KFZ: Kentucky Fried Zombies – 0 out of 5
Where do I even fucking begin? It’s not like I expected brilliance from a film called Kentucky Fried Zombies (also called Die-ner (Get It?), yeah, I get it but that doesn't change the fact it's not funny) but the end product was so awful that there is no way I can even have the remote sense of being polite in this review and it's so downright terrible that all those involved in the film should be forced to A) Pay anyone who’s seen it and refund their money plus give them another $10,000 for the mental anguish received and have the viewers' therapy bills reimburse and B) They should be banned and possibly jailed so they can never be allowed near a camera again.
|The face you'll make while watching KFZ...right before you explode in a murderous|
rage and destroy every lamp in your house...because the world should be dark
after watching this piece of shit.
KFZ is about a serial killer named Ken (Joshua Grote) who invaded a “kiss my grits” style diner where he immediate kills the cook and the only waitress working. Soon, an arguing couple comes in and he’s forced to pretend to be a waiter until he decides it's time to kill them too. Sadly, zombies start showing up and then the film really gets pointless as the story forces you to sit through boring, mundane and mind-numbing scenes that ultimately go nowhere until the film ends abruptly.
Alright, first up…the DVD box art to this one…
|Pictured: The only part of the movie that had some effort placed|
The art that is featured on that box looks better than the entire movie and secondly, it promises that it’s a mix of Pulp Fiction and Zombieland but it’s clear that whoever was the marketing wizard that came up with that tagline has never seen either film (like Bruce Willis' father's watch in Pulp Fiction, something is getting stuck up someone's ass but it's your dignity and it's being forcefully shoved up your anus by the production). Sure, it’s obvious from the shitty dialogue that the writer (who is also the director) thought he was writing brilliance as we are “treated” to a terrible (and long) monologue from the character of Ken that talks about humanity’s evolution. The lines are so full of themselves with such false superiority you would think a Redditor wrote the damn film and that the writer thinks he’s next Tarantino but, in reality, the end result was a laughably bad script that, and I’m guessing, probably read like a posting on a forum; filled with spelling errors and piss poor grammar (maybe even a diatribe about how Obama caused the Boston Marathon bombing but was, ultimately, removed from the final film). The dialogue would almost be funny (especially when you watch actor Joshua Grote perform them with such delusional grace) if the reality wasn’t so sad as it seems that the writer/director (who doesn’t deserve to have his name added to this review and I’ll just call him Satan—because asshole isn’t bad enough) wrote them and probably high fived himself for thinking he wrote something amazing, witty and funny...however, I don't believe that because I think something more malicious was at play here.
|Pictured: What some asshole thinks a mixing of Pulp Fiction and Zombieland|
looks like...I guess the mixing of the two is boring and out of focus.
Things only become more unbearable when the director tries to incorporate some backstory to our serial killer in a failed attempt at making him a person you can sympathize towards. This is done artistically through flashbacks that show Ken as a child but when I say artistically, I mean it is haphazardly edited in and then eventually forgotten about as the director decides to go back to a story that is wandering around like an Alzheimer’s patience in the middle of a large field.
|GAH! A zombie! No, wait...sorry.|
It’s almost insulting that the zombies on the box art look better than the half-assed zombies within the film. A couple of them are given some attention to make them look like decent walking dead but a majority of them are just smeared with some blood on a spot on their body (or two) and then they were allowed in front of the camera with someone saying, “Close enough.” This could be explained through budget restraints or laziness but I’m guessing, thanks to a shitty script that is soaked in delusions of grandeur, that the lazy make-up and lame looking zombies has to do with the fact that this entire production was done in an effort to cash in on the zombie craze with absolutely no respect for the history of the genre (and there's the malicious part I talked about earlier).
|A few blood smears equals zombies.|
|It needs to be noted that the director allowed this shot to remain|
in the film and, at no point said, "This is fucking ridiculous...
even by this movies sub-par standards."
|You can almost see the thought bubble of him saying he's the greatest actor|
Despite the fact this film was made in the last decade, the quality of the film looks like it was made on a camera produced prior to the 1970s and with film stock that, I can only assume, was composed completely of the tears of failed filmmakers with actual talent upset over the fact that their dreams aren’t coming true but, against all that is good and holy in the world, KFZ is produced. Seriously, the first cell phone to include a video recording camera would have produced a better looking film.
|The clarity is so sharp and defined.|
Then, as if to emphasize just how shoddy looking this movie is, the director decides that having shots that look decent, actually show what’s going on and are capable of remaining somewhat stationary in order to convince the audience that your cameraman is NOT working under duress (like, say, your director is holding your family hostage and pointing a gun at your dome) and thought these were all completely worthless for the production. Instead, he settled for pointless close-ups that show nothing (except maybe some ankles and shoulders), sequences where we have action occurring but the camera focuses on the blank canvases that is the actors’ faces rather than what they are doing (like a scene where a guy is trying to burn through some rope to escape being held against his will and we only know he’s doing this because he is saying he’s doing it while the camera remains on his girlfriend’s face) and having to deal with the fact that the director clearly didn’t own (or bother to rent) a tripod and every shot looks like the camera is in the hands of the elderly.
|So, the director's vision involved a scene with hand|
washing and the very act is obscured. It's art, clearly.
KFZ: Kentucky Fried Zombie, with its ridiculously pointless title that really has nothing to do with film (they could have at least killed one zombie with some chicken or a deep fryer), is, to put it simply, a shit film. There’s no story really to speak of, the actors are too annoying and painful to endure to call them bad actors (and calling them actors in any sense is insulting to even the worse actor to exist), the zombies are lazy and pointless and, despite advancements in technology, the film’s visual quality is vomit inducing. KFZ is just lazy filmmaking that makes a mockery of entertainment. The film crew can’t argue that they couldn’t get the financing because that won’t explain the fact that the story is shit and the fact it looks like the actors are there against their will (except Grote, he’s still jerking off and saying he’s the greatest actor of this generation).
|If anything, at least he can fall back on a career as a Bud Bundy impersonator.|
It’s obvious the writer/director Satan said, “Hey, people who like zombie movies are idiots and will watch anything. Let’s make a shitty one and wait for the checks to come rolling in.” So, in closing, Kentucky Fried Zombies is such a lame crap film, and on such a scale, that I can’t help but feel that the makers of this film are guilty of torture…torture most inhumane.