Transmorphers – 0 out of 5
I laughed at Transmorphers when I first saw it on the New Release wall of my local Family Video. I shook my finger at it and said, with a good chuckle, “Oh The Asylum, is there no limit to your blatant lack of creativity and out-right intellectual property theft?” I then proceeded to moon-walk away (which I’m known to do in public) from the video and never gave it a second thought…until now.
|Is that a giant penis complete with testicles? Are we sure that Michael Bay|
didn't direct this one, too?
Transmorphers is about our world being overrun by robots that are
|But before the reclaiming of Earth happens...something else must happen...|
the something else is shit.
I’m not entirely sure why I, out of nowhere, decided to watch Transmorphers. Maybe it’s because I was incredibly depressed or the fact I really wanted to laugh at an absurd, poorly made film (amazingly, watching ANYTHING from The Asylum can result from either feeling) but, regardless, I felt the need to watch their sorry excuse for a Transformers “mockbuster.”
Before I ended up hitting play on the DVD menu, I took a moment to reflect (and not on how my life has sunk so low that I was watching a film from The Asylum) and think about the expectations I had for the film. I knew the movie was going to have shitty special effects, a script that was probably nothing more than “robots come, man fight them,” and some of the shittiest acting people who are held at gun point can make. However, I actually believed that there was the real possibility that this film could have been better than the movie it was ripping off.
|He's smirking because the director told him they would make this shot look good|
in post. The director got him good.
Let me preface that thought…I don’t hate the original Michael Bay Transformers film (the two sequels, however, are crimes against entertainment)—I only hate any scene that has any flesh and blood characters. All the scenes with the Autobots and Decepticons are decent and entertaining. That being said, the film isn’t really that great and really showed a sneak peak at the depths of human sorrow Bay was about to drag your childhood memories through. And, because Bay is just a terrible film maker that believes huge balls of fire is equal to character development and actual story, I thought there may have been a very slight chance the film could have been better than the one they were ripping off (that’s the Holy Grail there for The Asylum).
I was wrong…
|About as wrong as this poor girl's decision to do this movie.|
Transmorphers is so bad that it actually makes Revenge of the Fallen and that third Transformers film that syncs up with a Pink Floyd album (or some shit like that) look good by comparison. Everything you know and can’t stand (and find absolutely hilarious) about a film from The Asylum is here. The special effects look worse than what some people are crafting with off-the-shelf software for views on YouTube for free (unless you count payment as endless racist comments), the acting is what you would expect if you paid a person in free mints you stole from a hotel lobby and are now covered in lint because the director kept them in his pockets and the movie is filled with ridiculously large plots holes.
|"Quick, fire your novelty cigarette lighters at them!"|
First off, the special effects: There are only two types of Transmorphers in the film (because designing more would have been expensive) and they look less convincing than a boss battle on any given Nintendo 64 game. You know all the effort they put into how the Transformers transformed in Michael Bay’s movies? Yeah, The Asylum just said, “fuck it,” and half-asses that element like they were trying to win a half-assed contest. But don’t worry, they work around this by BARELY SHOWING THE TRANSMORPHERS THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FILM!
|Come for the big robots, leave because you see very few big robots.|
Next up, the acting: It’s clear this film had no script attached to it and the “writer” had no idea what he wanted his characters to be so he allowed the actors to make it up on the fly. Since it’s clear this was the approach, it explains why you have an entire cast of characters trying to be the über-cool badass figure that plays by their own rules and will stop at nothing to be the hero (it has to be the cast because I can't believe the script for this one was anything more than a sentence or two and I'm pretty sure neither of the sentences had any character descriptions in them). They all do everything they can to spit out as many pseudo-military, ultra-lame one-liners as they can (lines like “go, go, go,” “move people,” and “let’s light ‘em up.”) in order to try (and fail) to create an illusion that they are “tough as nails.” I’m pretty sure too that half of the cast brought their own sunglasses to the set in order to really push the “I’m tough” delusion (production already supplied the leather jackets). At least this is the only explanation I can think of why a little redheaded girl with a soft voice that is completely miscast as the leader of the remnants of the human society is narrowing her brow and trying, adorably, to be a rock-solid military leader or why every male figure in the film is trying to craft their own Dark Knight voice and can only deliver lines with their heads tilted slightly to the side (a.k.a. the anti-hero angle).
|Having your head up at a straight angle is for villains, man!|
Then you have the rest of the film’s problems like how the hell can a civilization that has been living under ground for the last five centuries (I know the only fan in existence of this film is dying to comment with the correction of "four centuries") and have been hunted by giant robots actually invent and manufacturer advance weapons without the means of being able to harvest the raw materials they need for them? Or how on earth they are able to manufacturer a leather jacket for each member of this broken civilization? Of course, that last part I think has to do with the fact that the production stumbled upon a leather warehouse going out of business.
|"I'm going to frown and furrow the shit out of my face to show what a badass I am!"|
Then you have the poorly edited sound in this film as the movie will throw lines at you while action is occurring (albeit off screen…because showing the action gets expensive and the director is having a hard enough time trying to control a cast of actors that all want to be Snake Plisskens and Han Solos)—anyway, the characters are saying something and it could be important (but, knowing this film, it’s probably not) but I had no idea what they were saying as the noise of the battle (that I remind you, is not being shown) is drowning them out. But, knowing The Asylum, the characters were just saying how you were just raped out of your time and money and there's nothing you can do about it.
|Imagine The Asylum is the redhead and the blond is the poor sap who paid to |
I didn’t expect brilliance from Transmorphers (just the reality that it could have been better than anything Michael Bay shits out—by the way, what he shits out is explosions). I expected a film so poorly made that the only reason any money is spent on seeing it is due to confused elderly buying the film thinking it’s the “better one” (“better” being a relative term there) for their grand kids or guys like me who really love shitty movies because they are the best form of comedy out there (although I would say that even if that is your intention with this film, DON’T spend a single dime on getting your hands on it. We can’t encourage The Asylum here, people). Transmorphers does its job well…its job of being a shitty movie that should only exist to be mocked. However, it does get to the point that it is so bad that I could no longer find it funny and I just wanted it to end.