Friday, August 2, 2013

Sharknado

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. These reviews are not meant to be statements of facts or endorsements, I am just sharing my opinions and my perspective when watching the film and is not meant to reflect how these films should be viewed. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Try to deny Climate Change now!  Fucking sharknados are forming!




Sharknado – 2 out of 5

I imagine this film came to be after a meeting between the higher ups at SyFy and The Asylum. The head of the cable network who decided that their station needed pro wrestling, more ghost hunting shows hosted by assholes and that any series that is actually decent needs to be canceled, came busting out of his office after doing several lines of blow off the garbage encrusted ass of the homeless hooker that lives in the dumpster outside of the office and screamed at the head of The Asylum that his network was in desperate need of another shitty shark movie. The Asylum guy, after pounding down his seventh bottle of cough syrup, replied with, “It needs a tornado,” and than promptly vomited blood.

And with that faithful meeting, Sharknado was born.

I realize the title may be misleading but Sharknado is about some tornados…that contain sharks. I really wish there was more to the story but that, literally, is it.

Let’s not pull any punches here…Sharknado is god awful…but in all the right ways—The Asylum ways. If you’re not familiar with The Asylum, they are a film production company that specializes in shitty, Direct-to-DVD movies that are meant to resemble big budget films (“mockbusters,” as they call them) that are intended to confuse the uninformed and ignorant into buying and, along the way, they make shitty monster movies for SyFy—because SyFy just doesn’t give a fuck anymore (I blame the name change). So, The Asylum took the 200 dollars it cost to produce the film (most of it probably went to cocaine) and started to make a movie that is best described as the Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Home Game.


                                                                                                            SyFy/The Asylum
Wait a second...sharks...in a tornado?  There was no promise of this development
in the title.



Everything that makes The Asylum the awful production company they are is here: Shitty (REALLY shitty) production value, a lame premise that feels like it was stolen from a prepubescent boy’s doodles on his notebook, has been actors who haven’t accepted that they are destined for a life of “Where are they now?” shows and special effects that probably would have been more realistic if they just decided to not include them in the first place. And therein sits the ONLY reason to watch a film from SyFy and The Asylum because when you combine all these individually crappy components together, you get a giant heaping dose of crap that is really easy to make fun of and laugh at.


                                                                                                            SyFy/The Asylum
Wow!  It looks like Ian Ziering is actually surfing and is, in no way, a
really cheap looking shot.


Was Sharknado made to be a comedy? Doubtful. I think it’s more accurate that it was made for no other reason than to promote SyFy’s affinity for crappy, mock-worthy films and for The Asylum to keep polluting the world with their name. But can you really expect any less from this film when you realize it was written by a man named Thunder Levin—he, of course, is the screenwriting genius that gave us the eternal classic; Mutant Vampire Zombies from the ‘Hood!.


                                                                                                           SyFy/The Asylum
And people laughed at Batman's shark repellent.


Sharknado is a tailor made piece of crap that is great to watch with friends and spend the night mocking it and laughing at the absurd shit that fills its running length. Literally every flippin’ second of this film is something to make fun of. For example, Tara Reid is in it and she reaches new levels of bad acting that, until now, didn’t seem possible.


                                                                                                            SyFy/The Asylum
History books will write about her terrible performance.


Then you have Ian Ziering as the film’s “hero.” Ziering’s performance is one that it’s not hard to believe that he thinks Sharknado is his comeback role.  Ziering is pulling out every stop to make this his stand out role and, in doing so, is making the film even more mockable. It’s already laughably bad that his character’s name is Fin (which you totally know that Thunder Levin high-fived himself and thought he just made the wittiest thing in existence after writing it) but it’s clear that this character has a murder-boner for killing sharks. Even if a shark poses no threat to him or the people he is in charge of protecting, Fin will go out of his way to satisfy his killing-rage and kill some sharks like his parents were both gunned down by some Great Whites behind a movie theater. For example, some sharks fall in a pool and rather just let then die from the chlorine (which they would end up doing) he decides to pour gasoline in the pool and set that bitch on fire…and mysteriously, the pool explodes.


                                                                                                             SyFy/The Asylum
"I would stop to talk about how good I am in this role but I'm too busy killing sharks...
it's the only way I can achieve an erection anymore."


The numerous continuity errors are another factor that makes this film less of a bad shark movie and more of a bad shark comedy. Mathematicians have tried to calculate the number of continuity errors but have passed out from exhaustion. Water depths in the flooding streets of L.A. constantly change height and the weather goes from sunny and warm (and dry) to overcast, windy and a torrential down-pour. All this happens in seconds and happens A LOT—even better is the fact that the weather will be sunny and warm by the principle cast and then, only feet away where the special effects department phoned in their tornadoes, there is a hell-storm going on with a rain storm that is trying to re-enact a Biblical flood (seriously though, everything is always happening to the cast just off camera and not far away because, you know, production gets expensive). I would recommend a drinking game where you drink every time a continuity error strikes but you would be dead from alcohol poisoning in the first 30 seconds…if you can even keep up with the times you are suppose to drink.


                                                                                                             SyFy/The Asylum
In the next shot, the water level is higher than the car...after that, it's only as deep as the muffler.


I can’t even recommend the easiest drinking game this movie offers and that is to drink every time you see a reaction shot. Since it was clear this film was made by barely functioning retarded monkeys, this movie relies heavily on reaction shots because actually showing what’s going on is really hard and the filmmakers fell asleep when they taught that part in film school. Try and figure out what is going on half the time requires more brain-power than a person who  watches Sharknado because they think it’s an intense disaster film has bouncing around in their cranium.


                                                                                                             SyFy/The Asylum
"Shouldn't Sharknado have more...um...sharks in tornadoes, Mr. Director?"
"Fuck no.  *snorts cocaine*  Give me more reactions shots of them in the jeep and
spray them more with the hose!  This is my Citizen Kane...wait...when we're done filming
this, let's film Citizen Shark."


Things get even better when it’s clear that our fearless screenwriter; Thunder Levin, doesn’t really understand story or character as he haphazardly places a love story in the film but gets confused on who the girl should fall in love with. At first, she loves Fin (although you would never know it until it's actually uttered in dialogue because Levin follows the film rule of tell, don't show) but then falls for his son because Levin clearly dropped the second page of the script (read that as the stained napkin he wrote it on from Cousins subs dropped into a sewer grate) and just decided to rewrite that page and picked up another napkin.



                                                                                                           SyFy/The Asylum
When the effects budget ran out due to the production's incredibly high level
of cocaine consumption, the director just said, "Fuck It!" and cut to stock footage.
This movie retroactively made all of Ed Wood's works Oscar potential films.
 

And I just have to say it, there’s an actor in this movie named Jaason Simmons. Why the fuck did he add an extra “a” to his name? To stand out in Sharknado, that’s why!

SyFy and The Asylum really have outdone themselves with this film. In the past, when these two monsters of mediocre movies have collided, they’ve at least made futile attempts to have character, plot and story in their films (special effects and budgets, however, have never been attempted) and in this one, they just said, “Fuck it, let’s film. We’ll work out the kinks later.” Even though Levin is credited with writing the film, I am not entirely sure a script was even written (throwing my stained napkin theory out the window) and the crew just showed up on set and they made it up as they went along.


                                                                                                             SyFy/The Asylum
At this point, I just want to remind you that someone who probably ISN'T a 12
year old boy came up with this idea.


That HAS to be the case because it’s the only way that can explain why absolutely none of the characters in this film react to the sharks falling from the skies. I’m not kidding, the first shark tossed in the air by the weather comes crashing in Fin’s restaurant and, after killing it, not a single person reacts how any normal person would…that being screaming, “Did anyone else notice that a fucking shark just crashed through the window?” Instead, everyone reacts like this is an everyday occurrence. Seriously, never once does a character say, “Guys, isn’t it a little strange that a hurricane starting tossing sharks and now tornadoes are suddenly appearing filled with sharks?” Nope. Everyone is strangely okay with this act of Mother Nature’s vengeance and act like it’s nothing more than a minor inconvenience…unless you are Ian Ziering’s character, than you are just getting off on your chance to kill some sharks and achieve a full orgasm.


                                                                                                           SyFy/The Asylum
At this point, Fin is just killing sharks to compensate for other issues in his life.


Sharknado is entertaining only because it is that awful it becomes fun to watch (and the only reason it got a 2 and not a more deserving zero). The network and production company struck accidental gold thanks to the infinite supply of riffs that naturally spring from this Old Faithful film that spews an endless supply of mock. Celebrities took the ball and ran with it on Twitter by making fun of it to no end and, in doing so, made the film a huge success…a success that the men behind it are not realizing is, most likely, fleeting as they are now discussing releasing it in theaters (because who wouldn’t want to pay money for that piece of crap after watching it for free?) and a sequel where, at Comic-Con, they had a contest to name the movie. However, even though I believe the sequel will fail to create the sensation this one had, if it’s half as hilariously awful as this one, I will watch the fuck out of it!

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