Jack the Giant Slayer – 4 out of 5
We all know the story of Jack, those magic beans, a beanstalk and a giant. Hell, I’m pretty sure I once lived it after I got some magic beans from a crazy old man and, after they fell into the ground, I found myself on a journey into the clouds to do battle with a giant who clearly had a problem with his olfactory glands because he kept saying I smelled like an Englishman but I don’t remember stinking of dry, intelligent wit and bowler hats/umbrella combos. However, this event came at a time when I was really into hallucinogens so it may never actually happened at all.
|"Hey, what happens if we drop a penny from up here? Or spit on someone?|
What about if I take a leak on them? I'm asking...for a friend...who is also on the 'stalk."
|"'Giant Slayer?' That's what I call my penis. Yes, I am|
fully aware that the nickname only makes sense if I
spend all my time sexing taller women."
|Really fabulous hair.|
Despite the overall mixed feelings the critics gave this film (or had for this film I guess, since it was feelings and all), I found I really enjoyed this Bryan Singer directed tale. A lot of critics cited that the film’s story was flat and familiar but, that was what I liked about it. Jack’s tale with the beanstalk is just ingrained in the brains of so many people that I think its story is passed genetically from parent to child. Granted, the film didn’t have much depth with its story and it wasn’t very complicated but I didn’t find it bad in any sense of the word. It was a fairy tale and fairy tales are never overly complicated. Overall, the story was just a fun romp and it was kinda cool to see Jack and the giants hit the big screen.
|"Oh no...he isn't wearing anything underneath his loincloth."|
And speaking of the giants…
|Apparently Glenn Danzig played one of the giants.|
|Imagine if they made an anime version of this movie...|
Just look at the size of those vines and weep in
|Eh, he doesn't look that special for being the lead giant...|
|SWEET SEAGULL EATING A CHEESESTICK!!! Gollum is growing out of |
|The answer to my Tucci question is "never."|
There is never a time when he's not enjoyable.
|I would be okay with living under a monarchy that had Ian McShane as king.|
|"Quickly, my giant bretheren. Let's leave a giant|
flaming bag on the castle's doorstep."
|Treebeard, no! Those giants are monsters!|
Jack the Giant Slayer is just a fun, fantasy action popcorn movie that is great to just turn on and tune out to. I didn’t watch this movie for intricate plot points, subtle character development or a deep, thought-provoking story—I watched it for a beanstalk and giants who want to start a fight with the little guys…Ewan’s hair was just a bonus. In the end, I just found the movie to be fun and entertaining and I’m definitely going to be watching this one again. I suppose I could have ended this review with one of those giant rhyme-things...let's see...um...Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum, I...um...really like this movie. Okay, I won't be trying that again.
|I need to say it again; that hair is just amazing!|