Helldriver -3 out of 5
I always tip my hat to the Japanese and their really fucked up movies. Even the strangest film that Hollywood will churn out in the States is incapable of holding a candle to the truly “What the FUCK?” caliber that Japan shoots out on a regular basis. And they never get more out-there than their zombie films.
|This is the closest thing I could find in the entire film that resembled a shot|
of normalcy. There's probably a headless zombie humping a matchbox
car just out of shot just waiting to jump into view.
|When you hear the phrase "Zombie Queen, universally|
this is what we all pictured. Admit it.
With the country being overwhelmed, the government puts up a wall that extends from shore to shore with the remnants of human society on one side and space-spawned nefarious freaks on the other. During these sad times for the survivors, the government locates Kika—who was frozen in an amber-like substance thanks to the meteor (and yes, you read that one correctly, too)—and wishes to use her to kill the “zombie queen,” Kika’s mother. So, they equip her with a motor on her chest to replace her heart and arm her with a chainsaw sword—yes, a chainsaw sword, anyone who just read that just went through puberty and if you already went through puberty you just went through mega-puberty and your voice is even deeper, your chest hairier and a porn star mustache that will be the envy of all porn star mustaches just spontaneously erupted above your upper lip. To the ladies, I'm sorry you read that and hope you can now cope with your 'stache and hairy chest...the deep voice might be kind of sexy though.
|You'll need that extra puberty in order to witness the zombie-car without|
I really enjoy watching Japanese zombie movies but like heroin and eating cake there has to be some limits because if I watch them too often I could overdose—or gain weight and get diabetes (I’m kinda confused on my metaphor here). Japanese zombie movies are fun to watch because they are all the joys of having a drug trip without the withdrawal at the end—I’ll be honest, the craving to watch another when one is finished isn’t that strong, so while they are fun to experience, they are not addicting in my world. The biggest problem I have with them, and this applies to any Japanese movie that firmly plants itself in the “What the hell did I just watch?” category (like Battlefield Baseball, Tokyo Gore Police and RoboGeisha) is that while they open up with a whole host of strange sights and unique storytelling as they show us something that we’ll never have here in the States, by the time they come to their end, their novelty wears off and the strangeness stops being fresh and exciting and they become grating and annoying to watch as it feels like they are just pulling at straws trying to come up with the next strange thing.
|For extra fun, watch it with the subtitles turned off and try to keep your head|
from exploding with the barrage of insane imagery.
However, for the most part, Helldriver didn’t have that. While the film did keep getting weirder and more “Seriously, what the fuck am I watching?” as it progressed (like the movie culminates with the Zombie Queen creating a battle-mech-like structure out of her zombie army), it never gets too strange…and “too strange” is a phrase I don’t think has ever been uttered on the set of a Japanese film…or any of their entertainment experiences like video games and cartoons. And, of course, I need to qualify that "too strange" is a relative term here.
|For some reason, this seems like it would be normal in Japan.|
|Kika finds no joy in killing zombies with a |
chainsaw sword. Making her the only person in existence
to feel that way.
|If only we all had an exploding sky behind us to make us look cool.|
|Yes, she's swinging a zombie fetus but she looks|
so happy doing it!
|If you listen closely, you can hear my groan of annoyance over this zombie's|
overacting. Yes, it was so bad that my voice was permanently burned to the film's
|Pyramid-head's cousin; Half-Moon-Head, in his first|
|Yes, this really happened.|