Captain America II: Death Too Soon – 1 out of 5
On my blog, I’ve been watching a lot of older Marvel movies before they decided that money, effort and actually respecting the source material was probably something they should do with their properties—or as I define it as; the era when Marvel clearly didn’t give a fuck and thought their readers were so brain dead that as long as you put the name of the character and/or book somewhere in the film the viewers would watch it and accept the destruction of their beloved characters…and, like my unnecessarily long definition of this time period, it went on for a long, long time. Giving us such unintentionally hilarious treasures like the Captain America film that proceeded this one, Dr. Strange giving up mysticism for a lost look and a porn star mustache, another Captain America movie from the 90s (which I will review in time), Dolph Lundgren punishing it up as himself pretending to be The Punisher and let’s not forget that this era extended all the way until Daredevil (although the Director’s Cut is pretty damn good), two Fantastic Four movies, Spider-man going Emo and taking a break from jazz dancing to cry on Sandman’s shoulder and Nic Cage as Ghost Rider…oh, and…*shutter* Ang Lee’s Hulk.
Taking off not long after the first film that completely obliterated all that was interesting and wholesome about the Captain America character, Death Too Soon sees Steve Rogers (Reb Brown) doing what he is known for…painting portraits of old people by the beach—wait, WHAT THE FUCK?!? Seriously?
|"This is so much better than having a good backstory and fighting Red Skull."|
|Realize this: At some point a person looked at Lee and|
said, "Yes, that's my Miguel."
|"Just let me draw some boobies here on this picture of Captain America...|
and now my evil plan is complete."
Like the previous film, the major crime that occurs to this one is that they changed everything good (and interesting) about Captain America. Rather than be a veteran frozen in ice, he remains the whimsical surfer who is a little too hippie for a superhero that was disgustingly established in the last film. However, even worse than his attitude of less punching/more painting, is the fact he is a hero in name only because he pretty much does jack shit to stop the terrorists.
|"Just reach into my bad of used needles and venomous scorpions, Billy."|
|Captain America nearly crippled all credibility that bikers|
had with his motorcycle.
|"Who needs friends or protecting the country when you have oil paints|
and a beautiful sunset to capture?"
However, even at this point, this version of Captain America proves to be a lame duck because when it comes time to fight the villain, it just ends up being a complete waste of time. Before the scuffle starts, Miguel gets doused with his own rapid-aging juice and starts to get old. So, he does what any fifth grader would do in a fight, he lunges at him and the two enter into a warm embrace. Capt. then knocks him to the ground with all the grace of a fat man on roller-skates and Miguel dies.
|"Come here, ya big lug!"|
|Whoa...let's leave these two alone.|
THAT’S IT! For that, Capt. is called the hero?!? Taking down a man who is aging years in only seconds gives him everything short of a national parade?!? I almost wished this film could be Lucas-ed and have Iron Man digitally put in so he could fly in and blast a rocket up Capt.’s backside and fire his ass back to WWII so he can finally turn into the hero that he’s suppose to be.
|"Isn't there a guy who uses these things to be a real hero?"|
The rest of the film is filled with the exact same things as the other Marvel movies that came out during this time like bad acting, awful special effects, a very extremely weak story with very little plot in sight and production value that probably could be measured in cents, not dollars—except this time Capt.’s costume entered unforeseen levels of lame.
|Suddenly, the Bat Nipples no longer look so ridiculous.|
|Those evil bastards!!! Actually, judging by this version|
of Captain America, he probably thought it was an improvement
and then thanked the henchmen for it.
|His motorcycle has a hang glider attachment? Shark Repellent spray on Batman's|
utility belt no longer seems that stupid.
|This outfit even made Toby Keith hate America.|
|Seriously, there's too much fucking painting in this movie!!!|