Zombiez – 1 out of 5
For reasons that are even a mystery to me, I stick to a very strict rating system with my reviews. As you know, my entertainment value from the movies I watch are judged from a 1 to 5 scale—1 being absolutely atrocious (although it may have value as a film to make fun of) and 5 being something just outright fucking awesome! I don’t do half points (no, 1.5 or 3.141592653) and I don’t give out zeroes. Although there have been times I’ve been tempted to give out a good ole goose egg to some films but I never do it…HOWEVER, I have never been so tempted to break my rating system than after watching the 2005 Direct-to-DVD video Zombiez (yes, they added a “z” at the end).
|A bigger mystery than the "z" at the end is the fact they felt the need to establish that|
this locale was 20 miles away from a working toilet...and it never comes into play in
**Warning: As hard as I will try, this movie was so bad there is literally no way that I can have even a small semblance of courtesy or kindness in this review. It’s going to get mean spirited and mean spirited fast!**
FUCK THIS MOVIE!!! Oops, it got mean spirited faster than I thought it would.
|"Aren't you going to compliment my scarf?"|
Let's get back on track.
|"Yeah, my scarf is clearly making this film."|
I’m going to do my best to try and give a synopsis to a film that, basically, had no story (and don’t even think for one god damn second they actually had a plot—I’m pretty sure the filmmakers thought the word “plot” is another word for taking a dump or probably a word that is even more foreign to them and frightens them like cavemen who just discovered fire—cowering in fear over the new, scary word while grunting at it furiously while one may build up enough courage to take a swipe at it)…So, the film centers on a girl named Josephine (Jenicia Garcia—like it really freakin’ matters if I mention the actress because who has really heard of her?) who finds out that there are kill hungry zombies out to get her. She’s first attacked at her work and, afterwards, seeks the warm embrace of her husband at home in order to forget the trauma. After stripping to her underpants in order to tell her hubby the horror that happened to her at work (yes, that happened and it made no sense), the zombies (or zombiez) kidnap her and her husband. Eventually she breaks free and the real meat of the story takes place as she goes on a mad spree to locate her husband—and by real meat of the story, I mean that the next portion of the film is a whole series of her running around being chased by people who are zombies only because you are told they are zombies.
|"Now that my clothes are off, I feel comfortable enough to confide in you the |
trauma I experienced today."
Eventually, Josephine finds her way back to her job (a majority of the chase takes place in some woods because the production could only film in an industrial park and a public park apparently) where she discovers that a man who calls himself The Dr. (played by Jackeem Sellers—but, once again, who cares who plays these parts because they literally have no development whatsoever to them and the only reason I know their names is because of IMDb—most of the movie I thought they were named The Girl and the Bad Guy). It seems The Dr. has unleashed the zombies out in the world (that’s right, they’re the Voodoo-type of zombie—or zombiez—not the undead kind, so they talk, taunt, constantly look at the camera, grab their dicks when running—or maybe they’re just trying to keep their pants up?—and act incredibly poorly) anyway, he unleashed these zombiez into the world in order to rule the streets. Oh, and there’s a twist at this point but you really can’t call it a twist considering it is barely in the film as it is—not to mention they only focus on this so-called twist for about 20 seconds before NEVER COMING BACK TO IT AGAIN!!! So, it now becomes time for Josephine to get her husband back from The Dr. (the reason The Dr. leaves him alive while killing all other people who comes his way is never explained…but not explaining anything is 90% of the film. The other 10% is watching Josephine run—leaving her ass the entire focus point—and very obvious plastic knives and weapons bought on wholesale from a Halloween Express).
|Yes, very convincing weapon.|
To put it simply, this is one of the worst films I have ever seen. If you make it through the entire film without slicing your wrists and giving up on the idea of ever finding beauty in this world again the producers should send you a check for $10,000 and then pay for your therapy. It is that bad. I would rather sit through Avatar again while someone continuously pokes me in the eye and twists my nipples (and, if you follow the blog, I HATE Avatar...strangely I'm okay on the eye poking and I'm on the fence for the nipple twisting). The only way to get through this mess of a film is to be high on marijuana that was grown on another planet and produces a high that actually creates a better film in your brain. You basically have to make fun of the film the entire running length or you’ll go mad and start throwing your own feces and pulling out your hair in the first 15 minutes.
|Here, enjoy a shot of a river...don't worry, it'll make sense when you read|
the next paragraph.
I’ve already explained the film barely has a story going for it and there isn’t a plot in sight. The movie just lazily jumps from chase sequence to chase sequence with no real motivation or explanation. Hell, there’s even a sequence where I guess Josephine crossed a river and this is only a guess because you don’t see it. Instead, you see a shot of a river and then it cuts to Josephine all wet, so we are left to assume (see, I told you the river shot would make sense). Even after the first zombie attack, Josephine is questioned by a cop but the officer handcuffs her to a truck while questioning her. The problem here is that we never see this. The
|They won't show us a cop car but they're kind enough to show this zombie|
eating this man's asshole.
Then you get to the copious amounts of continuity errors this film throws at you. It’s clear editing was about as complicated and foreign to the editor hired for this project as not being a date rapist is to a person belonging to a frat. A cat just walking on a keyboard while an editing program is open could accidentally edit a better film and probably create one with a more coherent and intelligent story. The most amusing continuity error has to belong to the underpants of the character Josephine. While this may make me look like a pervert, you can see that Josephine is wearing at least a half of dozen different pairs of underwear throughout the film. Mind you, the film’s story takes place over a single day and we see Josephine in her undergarments (because of the mysterious scene where she has to remove her clothes to tell her husband that she witness a man killed and eaten—but, then again, I tend to get fully nude when bad stuff happens to me, like when I got the wrong change at Subway the other day) and, because of that mysterious scene, it’s establish what style and color of underpants she is sporting. As I mentioned before, the chase scenes LOVED having Josephine’s ass dominate the shot and, thanks to a lack of a belt and the jeans she’s rocking, we constantly get glimpses of what is underneath—and it changes about every 10 minutes.
|"You're not getting another close-up on my ass, are you?"|
"No, of course not."
|I guess it's suppose to be gore but it looks more like|
his gut is taking a shit.
|So...yeah...these are suppose to be zombies.|
|Something tells me the eye patch guy brought his own eye patch.|
Then you have the atrocious acting—as if this film didn’t have enough problems going for it. It would be easy to pick on poor Jenicia Garcia as Josephine because she is terrible and seems physically impaired when it comes to an attempt at real human emotion but, the reality is, her part was mostly running, some very unconvincing fighting, a limp that comes and goes after she breaks her leg (it’s never actually established if she breaks her leg because that scene is just a confusing mess…like the rest of the film) and making sure her ass is pushed back enough when running to fog up the camera lens and possible crack the damn glass on the thing. So it’s no surprise that she can’t act for shit. The rest of the cast is filled with people who were either escaped mental patients who are too mystified by the fact there is a camera in front of them to even try (besides, they can’t stop looking at that sexy, sexy camera anyway) or people who either are friends with the director or have some blackmail materials on him and scammed their way into the production.
|"What's that, Mr. Director? Compliment the scarf some more?"|
The true top choice of bad acting this film has comes in the form of Jackeem Sellers as The Dr. Not only is there absolutely nothing established about this character before he arrives (and nothing really is established afterwards either) but Sellers performance is so laughably bad that it becomes the only reason to watch the film—even though doing so is risking death. It’s clear Sellers believes he is a legitimate threat in the film—despite, like the rest of the film, it’s never established that he is, indeed, any kind of threat. However, the humor comes from the fact that Sellers, most likely, has lived a sheltered life and is unfamiliar with how a threatening person is suppose to compose themselves. To Sellers, to be a frightening person means whispering all your lines (and they gave him way too many or were way, WAY too lenient on the allotment of improvisation going on-set) and always putting your hands out to the side.
|"I love you 'this much'--I mean, I'm 'this tough.'"|
|He's got one move and, dammit, he's going to get all the use out of it he can.|
|"I don't know what else to do with my arms!!!!"|
|Okay, it's just ridiculous now.|
Sellers, through his immensely bad acting, pretty much saved the film—but not in the way the production would have wanted him to. It’s obvious he believes he’s a very talented actor and thinks he’s a badass in his performance and, it’s in this false sense of superiority, that makes the film something to watch because it rewards the infinitely patient (possibly deranged) viewer for sticking around through this downright awful piece of shit. Granted, every single second of this film is mock-worthy but Sellers’ takes it to a whole new level with the hammiest performance this side of a community college drama department. Even Helena Bonham Carter found his acting to be a little heavy-handed as Sellers make William Shatner look downright dramatic and realistic.
And then this happens…
|"Goodness, I've been struck across the face by that woman's palm."|
|"Hopefully no harm has come to me...let me check. Yep, I'm alright...|
Now I shall check with the other hand."
|"Oh dear me, a fountain of blood has suddenly, and mysteriously, erupted|
from my mouth region."
|"It's almost like I had a mouth full of fake blood that I spit out unconvincingly|
while my hand had my mouth concealed."
I could figuratively go on forever about how truly, absolutely, indisputably terrible Zombiez is. Everything about this film either was done to below (far below) the bare minimum, phoned in or just abandoned outright. There is not a single thing that works in this film and if you are able to make it past 15 minutes of the terrible acting, bad editing, lack of story and plot and all around shit this movie craps out and expects zombie fans to ingest, than you are a borderline superhero who deserves a parade. A deaf, dumb and blind kid (even without immense pinball skills) could make a better and more coherent film.
|In case you're wondering, yes, that zombie is holding his dick while running.|
I’ve seen enough bad movies in my life to make me want to crawl into a hole and cry for days on end and, when I emerge, be filled with a desire to make a rocket and fly to a planet where I can start a new world free from bad filmmaking but this, this movie takes the cake and proceeds to rape it until it is no longer recognizable as the original cake-taking bad movie. I can say, without a doubt, this was the worst film I have ever seen…and I’ve sat through every Adam Sandler movie that has ever come out.