Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Creep Van

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Or we can live in A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Creep Van – 1 out of 5

Ah, the horror genre…the only genre that proves it lost its dignity around the same time Hammer pants came into style.

The film takes place in Detroit.  If you forget that, don't worry because
the film will remind you every five minutes.

Contrary to what the title may hint at, Creep Van is not about a killer van (that would actually probably be fun to watch) but rather a creep who uses his van to murder people…and the van also has some gadgets installed within it to help him achieve that goal (because running people down with it or luring them in to gut them in the back is soooo yesterday). The film follows a young man named Campbell (Brian Kolodziej) who is without a car and just starting a job at a carwash. When the stress of not having a ride starts to get to him, he finds the Creep Van up for sale but, after making a call to the owner, quickly finds himself being stalked by the creep inside and all his loved ones are in danger. So he must team with a man who calls himself Swami Ted (don’t even ask) in order to stop the terror.

I said "don't ask."

This is as bad as movies can get here, people. First off, the film doesn’t quite know if it wants to be a horror film or a dark comedy as it starts with some lighthearted (but painfully unfunny) moments before it wanders around aimlessly for awhile like a drunk toddler who is just learning to walk and somehow, almost miraculously, ends up in the horror genre (which proves to be painfully not scary).

I admire the film's courage of having a drag queen be Campbell's love interest though.

I'm just going to assume that this is the director.
 The filmmakers behind this one clearly didn’t understand that having an idea scribbled on a beer stained cocktail napkin doesn’t actually constitute a script as not only is the film’s premise unbearably thin but there isn’t a semblance of plot anywhere to be seen. The film just wanders from death to death and to the character of Campbell at work having completely worthless conversations with his coworkers that ends with neither character development nor story elements. All scenes with Campbell feel tacked on as the director really just wanted to have scenes of people dying in ridiculously stupid fashions and relented only on having Campbell in the film because he couldn’t just throw him in towards the middle when the creep decides to make the man his next victim.

Is he raping the rape van?

"A creep in a van is stalking you?  My sweater vest and I
find that hard to believe."
 The longer this film goes, the less it begins to makes sense as every single interaction that takes place on screen looks like aliens doing bad impressions of the human race. Even worse are the ways the sequences for murder involving the van are haphazardly glued together. For example, a big breasted women is interested in buying the van—because apparently she wants to discourage men from looking at her like a piece of meat and a rape van is the exact thing to do it with. When she gets in the car, the creep, who’s decked out all in black and you can’t see his face (so maybe if you’re dumb enough to get into a vehicle that is most associated with pedophiles and rapist with a man who doesn’t speak and is in all black, you deserve what’s coming to you) and he activates a contraption that strangles her with the seatbelts and then slams a spike mallet in her head—the seatbelt thing seems a tad superfluous since you had the mallet thing the whole time.

"There's no way that owning a vehicle that has ample room for a matress in the back
could ever backfire in my plan to get men to stop looking at me as a sex object."

Or, another time that randomly jumps into the film, a hot bikini girl (and, I believe, she’s credited as such or similar) hears a song that can only be described as crap and walks up to the van to ask about said shitty song. She proceeds to get in the van—still wanting to know who sings it and not asking the person to shut off the only song in existence that makes anything from Nickelback sound epic—and then gets the door slammed on her face.  This level of quality and pointless setups to deaths is basically the entire film...and then some Campbell thrown in as well.

And Llyod Kaufman makes a cameo.  The man has been associated with more shitty
movies than Uwe Boll and Michael Bay combined.

Maybe this film takes place in an alternate reality where the stigmatism that comes from owning such a van doesn’t exist except the van is always referred to as a "rape van" after Campbell’s character sees it and decides that’s the van to own in order to solve his car issues and help him from the headaches of having to take the bus. This movie really hates public transportation as it paints owning a molest-o-van better than riding the city bus.

"Owning a vehicle that already comes with a restraining order that prevents me
from being near schools and playgrounds is just what I need to escape the living
hell that is public transportation."

Not surprisingly, this film has terrible acting and not much else needs to be said about that because it is the epitome of bad, B-movie acting.

"Looking is acting, right?"

Creep Van is a movie that needs to be shown in film schools in order to prevent potential filmmakers from making anything else like this. In fact, it should just be shown to anyone who has ever shown even the smallest interest in making films or even just has a passing interest in just viewing movies. There they can learn that things like plot, capable acting, character development and a solid story and premise are not things that are just a recommendation for films but rather a requirement.  They might also learn that just because your horror film has blood in it, it doesn't make it an actual scary movie.  I just have to assume that all these missing factors where in the 2nd Creep Van that got lost on the way to set.

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