Creep Van – 1 out of 5
Ah, the horror genre…the only genre that proves it lost its dignity around the same time Hammer pants came into style.
|The film takes place in Detroit. If you forget that, don't worry because|
the film will remind you every five minutes.
Contrary to what the title may hint at, Creep Van is not about a killer van (that would actually probably be fun to watch) but rather a creep who uses his van to murder people…and the van also has some gadgets installed within it to help him achieve that goal (because running people down with it or luring them in to gut them in the back is soooo yesterday). The film follows a young man named Campbell (Brian Kolodziej) who is without a car and just starting a job at a carwash. When the stress of not having a ride starts to get to him, he finds the Creep Van up for sale but, after making a call to the owner, quickly finds himself being stalked by the creep inside and all his loved ones are in danger. So he must team with a man who calls himself Swami Ted (don’t even ask) in order to stop the terror.
|I said "don't ask."|
This is as bad as movies can get here, people. First off, the film doesn’t quite know if it wants to be a horror film or a dark comedy as it starts with some lighthearted (but painfully unfunny) moments before it wanders around aimlessly for awhile like a drunk toddler who is just learning to walk and somehow, almost miraculously, ends up in the horror genre (which proves to be painfully not scary).
|I admire the film's courage of having a drag queen be Campbell's love interest though.|
|I'm just going to assume that this is the director.|
|Is he raping the rape van?|
|"A creep in a van is stalking you? My sweater vest and I|
find that hard to believe."
|"There's no way that owning a vehicle that has ample room for a matress in the back|
could ever backfire in my plan to get men to stop looking at me as a sex object."
Or, another time that randomly jumps into the film, a hot bikini girl (and, I believe, she’s credited as such or similar) hears a song that can only be described as crap and walks up to the van to ask about said shitty song. She proceeds to get in the van—still wanting to know who sings it and not asking the person to shut off the only song in existence that makes anything from Nickelback sound epic—and then gets the door slammed on her face. This level of quality and pointless setups to deaths is basically the entire film...and then some Campbell thrown in as well.
|And Llyod Kaufman makes a cameo. The man has been associated with more shitty|
movies than Uwe Boll and Michael Bay combined.
Maybe this film takes place in an alternate reality where the stigmatism that comes from owning such a van doesn’t exist except the van is always referred to as a "rape van" after Campbell’s character sees it and decides that’s the van to own in order to solve his car issues and help him from the headaches of having to take the bus. This movie really hates public transportation as it paints owning a molest-o-van better than riding the city bus.
|"Owning a vehicle that already comes with a restraining order that prevents me|
from being near schools and playgrounds is just what I need to escape the living
hell that is public transportation."
Not surprisingly, this film has terrible acting and not much else needs to be said about that because it is the epitome of bad, B-movie acting.
|"Looking is acting, right?"|
Creep Van is a movie that needs to be shown in film schools in order to prevent potential filmmakers from making anything else like this. In fact, it should just be shown to anyone who has ever shown even the smallest interest in making films or even just has a passing interest in just viewing movies. There they can learn that things like plot, capable acting, character development and a solid story and premise are not things that are just a recommendation for films but rather a requirement. They might also learn that just because your horror film has blood in it, it doesn't make it an actual scary movie. I just have to assume that all these missing factors where in the 2nd Creep Van that got lost on the way to set.