Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Tombstone

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!  And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews!




Tombstone – 4 out of 5

It’s been awhile since I’ve watched this Western but the other day I was hankering for Western that had Kurt Russell with an epic mustache and the only real way to get that is to watch Tombstone.

Shown:  Epic.

Russell seen here doing his John Cusack impression.
This movie has been out long enough for you to know the story but if you are new to this planet or are getting to that age where Twilight no longer seems as deep or as intriguing as you once fooled yourself to believe the film is about the retired lawman legend; Wyatt Earp (Kurt Russell’s mustache), who tries to settle into a life of quietude in Tombstone, Arizona. I, myself, plan on retire to Gravemarker, Idaho. Earp soon realizes that the town is having issues with out-of-control gunmen and he’s forced out of retirement and forms a posse of his friends and family in order to serve up some justice on some criminals' asses. Justice served fresh with hot lead and a side order of badass.

"Hi, I'm the side order of badass..."


Like I said, it’s been a few years since I’ve seen this film and it’s just as awesome as I remember it; the awesome action, the fact it still makes me believe I could be a killer cowboy even though I’m weak and have never shot a gun in my life, the mustaches (yeah, this is going to be the over-used joke that I will run into the ground in this review), the dramatized historical story of it all and the gigantic cast that makes the film over-flowing with talent and all around galactic awesomeness!

If Bill Paxton is in a film it should be legally required for him to go on a
"Game over, man" rant.



"I think a damn dirty ape left something on my
upper lip."
Number one, this movie has a tremendous cast that makes lesser films crap their pants with fear when it enters the room. Not only is Kurt Russell here as the legend Wyatt Earp but you have Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday backing him up. They could have easily stopped there and the movie still would have been a great Western but they bring in Sam Elliot (a man who never stops being a cowboy), Bill Paxton, Powers Boothe, Michael Biehn, Jason Priestly (proving it’s possible for him to be in something manly and non-90210-ish...even though his role is kinda wimpy it's still manlier than anything else he's ever done), Stephen Land, Thomas Haden Church, Dana Delany, Billy Bob Thornton, Billy Zane, Terry O’Quinn, an actual distant relative of Wyatt Earp named…well…Wyatt Earp and, most importantly, Frank Stallone. Charlton Heston was even in this bitch. What was the casting call for this movie? “Alright…we need EVERYBODY! Especially Frank Stallone.”

The more coherent Stallone.

"This facial hair makes me bullet proof...also, my mustache
is capable of firing it's own bullets."
Like any film that tells a story that happened in history a lot of elements needed to be punched up to make the action ten times ballsier and the drama ten times heavier. Shit, even most stories we pass off as historical events have been told so many times that a lot of what we think really happened ends up being embellished to the point that a scriptwriter may as well have written our history books. However, I was thankful to learn after revisiting this one (yeah, sometimes I do research after I watch movies for these reviews in-between the porn hunting marathons I engage in after watching movies) was that the infamous scene where Wyatt Earp charges head-on into a firefight at a creek bed while the bad dudes fire at him and he DOESN’T TAKE A SINGLE HIT before he gets all Terminator on their backsides and guns them down was verified as to actually happening by those who were there.  That means the ones who got away fleed, pissed themselves and after hours of endless weeping were able to stammer out that Wyatt made Rambo look like a pussy (this is amazing since Rambo didn't exist when they said this). Sure, they could still be lying but to think that wasn’t the pipedream of a screenwriter but an actual part of history is just plain top-shelf awesome.

Bullets just naturally move out of Earp's way.


The only real downside I have about Tombstone is the fact that the cast is a little TOO big. Granted there were a lot of people involved in this real-life event but having so many recognizable actors and having so many characters coming in and out of the film with no real development is a mild hurt upon it but ultimately did nothing to destroy the enjoyment I get from this movie.
But look at all those 'staches...

"I think I travel back too far to father John Connor..."
Tombstone is just plain a great Western thats filled with spurs, six-shooters, manly facial hair and all around stellar awesomeness that I’m shocked my weak self can handle. It’s one of those films that can easily stand the test of time thanks to the Old West being such an iconic era in our country’s development as a nation and the acting and story only keep the movie fresh like healthy produce from a farmer’s market (Really, Ron? That was the best metaphor you could come up with? There’s that weak self I just told you about). In fact, it stands up so well I began to wonder why the hell I’m not watching this movie with more frequency. I also wondered why I don’t rock a really great mustache…it might help me strengthen up and stop being such a weakling.

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