Lincoln – 5 out of 5
Lincoln has become one of the country’s most known Presidents of all time. His image is graced on the penny, some of that fancy paper money (I pay for everything is stolen Spanish treasure and sexual favors, not cash) and his ugly mug is forever carved into a mountain in a state that is only visited because of said mountain. Also he fought vampires and went on to have an excellent adventure with Wild Stallions.
|Damn...these fashions need to come back.|
|This is what the Civil War looked like? I pictured more|
slapping and hadoukens.
|Mr. Spielberg also overlooked the fact Lincoln clearly invented the "bed head" look.|
Lincoln tells the story of our 17th president; Abe (Daniel Day-Lewis), as he tries to pass the 13th Amendment and completely eliminate slavery in the country and help to continue to inspire country music for the rest of our country’s existence and making sure that there will always be a smug, racist asshole who thinks he did something charitable and deserves credit for this move. The film follows the process of getting the votes needed to see this horrible reality of our past to an end, bring an conclusion to the war and get the country on the way to healing itself.
|"Well, the country ain't going to heal itself. Lincoln up in dis bitch." - he |
said moments before simultaneously inventing and then dropping the mic.
|The smoke says "mysterious" but the tie says "available|
for kid's parties."
|Look at those glasses (lay off, I'm fighting off a desire to make a Bill & Ted caption).|
Other than the film’s attention to detail of making the movie look like the time period, the cast is one of the strongest aspects the film has going for it. Daniel Day-Lewis is captivating as Lincoln (even though we don’t get to see him slay some vampire ass) and Sally Field matched him step-for-step in the performance department as Abe’s better half; Mary Todd Lincoln. The rest of the film is filled with some of the best-of-the-best money can buy with the Hollywood elite as you have Tommy Lee Jones killing it as the Radical (and not radical in the TMNT sense) Republican (and not in the Radical Republican sense that is true today—read that as Fox News crazy) Thaddeus Stevens. You also have David Strathairn as Secretary of State William Seward and Joseph “There’s No Part I Can’t Kill It In” Gordon-Levitt as Honest Abe’s son; Robert, really bringing their best to the movie.
|Shown: JGL preparing to murder yet another role.|
|"Can we bribe them with even more epic facial hair?"|
|"Yay! We're going to the circus!"|
|"I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was too busy being Southern|
and hoping they invent Toby Keith one day."
|Bruce McGill, shown here, was in another presidential picture...|
with far less dignifying results.
Of course, like any historical drama, there are some inaccuracies thrown in. Hell, I even threw in my own inaccuracy within this review as an Easter Egg and you if you can find it you can leave a comment and win nothing except my admiration, respect and love because you are actually reading my review and paying somewhat close attention. As I’ve explained in other historical bio-pics and bio-dramas (but not Bio-Domes), historical inaccuracies are pretty much a given and liberties for the sake of drama are just something that comes with the territory (like Argo; great movie but most of it was just playing with history). It could be worse, it could be a book by Bill O'Reilly about Honest Abe that is basically all fiction. Liberties are just an expected part of any historical film done usually to increase tension and drama. I mean it’s not like Steven Spielberg is doing something as audacious or as egotistical as giving out free copies of the DVD to schools in order to educate students—oh fuck, he is doing exactly that.
|"Now let's not talk badly about Mr. Spielberg, Rev. Ron. We would hate for you to|
disappear and end up in a dump like all those Atari E.T. video games."
|"Stop staring at me, can't you see I've been stabbed in both|
shouders by American flags?"
|There he goes...off to help Bill & Ted pass history...|
(I have a problem...I'm addicted to Bill & Ted references)