Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Blubberella

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movies I'm watching!  Or you can sit with me and lose hope for humanity because Uwe Boll is allowed to make movies.


Blubberella – 1 out of 5


This movie is Uwe Boll doing a parody of one of his other “serious” films (I put “serious” in quotations because, let’s face it, does anyone take his movie seriously?). Blubberella is, pretty much, a shot-for-shot satire of Boll’s third BloodRayne film; BloodRayne: The Third Reich. The very idea that Boll is making fun of himself is a joke in and of itself due to the fact that even when he tries to make a normal, non-comedy film it turns out to be an unintentional comedy (except Rampage, that movie was a fluke. Someone else clearly made it and Boll slapped his name on it. That’s the only explanation I can come up with to explain why that movie was really good). Did you ever see Uwe Boll’s other attempts at comedy? Like his adaptation of the downright awful and gratuitous for the sole reason of being gratuitous video game; Postal? Uwe Boll doesn’t do comedies well…then again; he doesn’t do action, horror, drama or really anything well.


"She's fat.  Dat's comedy." - Uwe Boll.


An overweight half-vampire/half-human creatively named Blubberella (yeah, you can pretty much see the quality of humor you’re going to get from this one from the title alone) is out to kill Nazis and eat a lot (because when a person is fat that means all they do is eat). Blubberella (Lindsay Hollister, who co-wrote the movie with Boll) is joined by Nathaniel Gregor (Brendan Fletcher); a sexually confused premature ejaculating freedom fighter, and the painfully annoying gay stereotype; Vadge (William Belli, who was another co-writer). Together they are out to defeat The Commandant (Michael Paré) who accidentally became a vampire after fighting Blubberella and the evil (or about as evil as Uwe Boll is capable of writing and as evil as Clint Howard is able to play—so, it’s more embarrassing than anything) Doctor Mangler.

The most amazing thing about this movie is the fact it took four—COUNT ‘EM, FOUR!—writers to make this steaming pile of cancerous slime. Boll, Belli, Hollister and Michael Christopher all worked together to write this film and the end result is just three jokes that are beaten until you no longer recognize the horse and some lame pop culture references that are hack for even the worst night club middle aged comic and were already pushing their expiration date when the film came out in 2011.


"Why aren't you smiling?  My check cleared."


Basically, the entire film is fat and gay jokes. Blubberella is always eating or saying that even the most limited amount of physical activity is too much to handle and the character of Vadge is just a bad caricature of a homosexual who’s only presence in the film is to be catty, limp-wristed, obsessed with fashion/cross-dressing, and is one giant bitch to Blubberella saying nothing but abusive things about her weight. Vadge is basically what Conservatives think gays are and, if more than a few dozen people saw this movie, could easily do damage to the gay rights movement. Thankfully, Uwe Boll is allergic to commercial success (and quality) so the majority of the world will never have to see this truly awful and painfully unfunny homosexual stereotype.

I’m not trying to say how someone should make a comedy but if the only jokes you have in your film involves a fat girl over and over again remind the audience of her weight problem, a gay man acting in a way that only homophobes think gays act, using swear words as punch lines, and having the mentality of a 12 year old in regards to sexual situations and sexually explicit words isn’t actually comedy or humor. They are exactly what people who don’t know what’s funny (possibly are foreign to laughing as well) and/or are simpletons with the worst sense of humor to ever exist. There’s a way to make each and every single one of these instances work in a comedy but when you’re not funny to begin with (I’m looking at you four writers of Blubberella) and have no understanding of set-up and punch line or even a slight consideration of what satire is your movie is going to fail like, say, Uwe Boll doing a video game adaptation—oops, forgot for a second that Boll did this movie. So, no matter what he wrote, the film was doomed to be a giant piece of crap because the man is clearly an alien who doesn’t understand filmmaking, story, plot, dialogue, acting, comedy, drama, horror, suspense—shit, he pretty much doesn’t understand anything (except Rampage—damn you, Boll for somehow making that into a great movie).


"It's funny because he's un faggot." - Uwe Boll


Oh…and did I mention the Black Face utilized in this film?


Really?


Seriously, you really went there twice?



Unless I’m mistaken, I think this movie was intentionally trying to make itself completely unwatchable.


Yes...that is Uwe Boll as Hitler.  Seems fitting. 

Yep, Boll was actually trying to make the worst comedy to ever exist. And to even call it a comedy is to define the word so loosely that it no longer has any meaning. I’m not saying the film is offensive because the jokes are so bad that it’s hard to actually be upset about them. What is offensive, however, is the fact this film was even made and that there was a waste of cash that could have gone to feeding the hungry or towards a cure for cancer but it went to this instead.


"It's funny because she's fat so she always eats." - Uwe Boll


Yes, this review is one giant rant but lazy filmmaking should never be excused. Like Ian Malcolm says in Jurassic Park and I’m about to paraphrase, “You’re so busy trying to show that you could you never stopped to think if you should.” That’s the mentality that Uwe Boll needs to take each and every time he makes a movie. Putting aside the theory he intentionally fucks up his movie for the tax breaks in his native land, Boll needs to sit down and think hard before he starts any movie and think, “Is this going to be another piece of failure I’m going to make. Is this going to be another movie I’m going to be mocked for making? Is this another typical phoned-in Uwe Boll movie that reeks of a lack of creativity and imagination and all-around sound filmmaking?” Or instead, just stop making movies, Boll. It’s clear you can’t do it (Rampage is the exception, not the rule) and you are making the medium a giant joke more intensely and far more rapidly than Michael Bay is.


Even kissing seems evil and unholy when filmed by Uwe Boll.


I tried to think of who exactly this film was made for. It wasn’t drunks or stoners because this movie can sober them up in a heartbeat. It wasn’t for beings with bad taste in films because even they could see this is crap and then turn around and put Avatar back on. It wasn’t for the immature because even the jokes in this film are too lowbrow for them. It’s not for the depressed because they could watch this movie and realize their life could be much, much worse (they could have work on or been in this movie, for instance). Even the criminally insane couldn’t be the desired audience for this film because if they watched it, they would immediately confess to their crimes and actively work for their rehabilitation. The only thing I can think of is that Uwe Boll was doing a service for people who specialize in torture and made this film for them to play for their victims…but even that seems way too cruel.


Many of the actors were torture victims in this film.  Clint Howard has traces
of extras' blood on his costume.


To recap, Blubberella is everything that is wrong about movie-making. The acting is atrocious (another note, Uwe Boll: To really sell a joke, the acting needs to look real otherwise it becomes bad slapstick that is more annoying than funny), the story wasn’t funny to begin with, there’s absolutely no plot, just a string of sequences loosely placed together in order to utter out the next fat/gay joke that is barely a joke to begin with, the humor is sophomoric at best and a crime against humanity at worse—literally every single facet of this film doesn’t work and actively creates a painful viewing experience. I couldn’t even bring myself to riff on the film because it was so pathetic it would be like making fun of a dying animal…not to mention I was too busy trying to not give up on all that is good or trying to slit my wrists because suicide seemed like a more acceptable way out than to simply hit STOP on my DVD player. In the end, this movie is just plain awful…or, basically, a typical Uwe Boll film.

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