Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Big Tits Zombie

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Or we can fights some zombies...after taking off our clothes for money.




Big Tits Zombie – 1 out of 5

Yes, that’s the actual title of the film and no I did not start reviewing porno films for my blog. Besides, if I did review porn my reviews would all read, “Got through 5 minutes before I was all sweaty and needed a nap.” Instead this is a Japanese film…which, somehow, explains everything.


This movie taught me that strip clubs in Japan are boring but have far less
C-section scars per stripper than America.


Big Tits Zombie is a 2010 Japanese fantasy film based on a Manga book originally titled The Big Tits Dragon (and that's an even more mysterious title when you see the film). The film follows a group of strippers who are forced to battle some zombies—because apparently zombies and strippers go together like peanut butter and jelly or watching Big Tits Zombie and a feeling of utter self-loathing. The movie sees a woman named Lena Jodo (played by Japanese adult film star and nude model Sora Aoi) join a small strip club that resides next to a condemned building that was once a promising spa resort that’s ultimate failure forced the man who owned it, and his family, to commit suicide.

One day in the green room of the strip club where the strippers spend their time arguing and telling ghost stories (you know, typical stripper stuff), they find a secret hallway to the abandoned building and find a room dedicated to the occult with the Book of the Dead in there. Soon after, zombies emerge and start attacking and, before long, Lena and Ginko (another stripper that often fought with Lena—and yes, the fights led to them ripping each other’s shirts off) are left alone to stop the zombies while fellow stripper Maria uses the book to take control of the shuffling undead and make them her army. Meanwhile, not a single zombie with moderate to large sized breasts are seen the entire time.


I guess Samurai Zombie is an okay replacement for a zombie with big tits.


I’ll be honest, I only watched this film for the title—and not because the title has the word “tits” in it (okay, maybe a little) but the fact that a film with such a title was actually released on the world was the bigger reason for me to watch it and, with such a title, I knew the level of quality was going to be on the “what the fuck” level and that it was going to be a shitty film with bad acting, bad special effects and a story that got lost on the way to production (I know, you’re not suppose to judge something by it’s title but would you buy roses if they were called Fat Ass Crack Buds? Point made.)…and all my expectations were given to me in spades…and then some stuff I wasn’t prepared for even though I knew this was a Japanese film the entire time.


You're not even going to hide the strings are you?



Yes, I said zombie sushi.
Japan does weird better than anyone else in their media. Their games are strange but fun and their movies are really out-there. BTZ (I’m going to call it that for now on because I feel like a perv typing “tits” over and over again) is no different. This movie, after a pretty boring and uneventful open, quickly takes a drastic left turn to weirdsville as we get treated to a zombie with tentacles (thankfully the anime tentacle sex never started…although they were frighteningly close), zombie sushi and even…I’m still trying to convince myself I actually saw this…a fire-breathing zombie vagina.

As expected, the acting in this film was just as bad as the production value. The film looked like it was recorded on a camera phone—an older camera phone—and it just overall looks muddy. The budget was also painfully obvious to be non-existent as we see the same ten zombies over and over again and you get to witness at least three of them die four or five times.


You would think that the zombie with the top hat toward the right would have
played a bigger part but you would be wrong...and disappointed like me.


As far as the acting, I realized that the girls were cast for their appearance (and for the fact some would get naked) but it wasn’t till after I watched it that I found out that some of the cast was filled with actual adult film stars so…yeah…that explains the bad acting.


Pictured:  Acting.


Okay, I didn’t expect big things (breast pun not intended there) from the film. With a title like Big Tits Zombie I expected crap (and maybe some boobs) and it gave me that. However, the film was so bad that it was hard to make fun of and the weird elements were too unevenly distributed in the running length that it lacked the whole “what the hell” charm that a lot of Japanese films contain…and I still won’t forgive it for not having a zombie with large tits in it. Sure, those who’ve seen it could argue that there, in fact, was a zombie with large breasts at the end but I was hoping that a BTZ would have been the film’s antagonist and would have been some sort of monster the strippers would have had to battle...oh well. A man can dream can’t he…expect for the fact those dreams are now haunted by a fire-belching demon vagina.




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