Gymkata – 1 out of 5
When the government needs an operative who can kick ass in the most ridiculous fashion they turn to a…Olympic gymnast? What the fuck?
|"If I peaked out from behind the tree would it be easy for you guys to hit me?"|
|Important aspect of gymkata: Bright yellow pants.|
|"I'm glad they installed these pointless bars to aid me in my ridiculous martial arts."|
The story goes that the government wants to install a site in the small country of Parmistan (parmesan? No, Parmistan) for their “star wars” program (not the good Star Wars either). The problem is that they need to win at a dangerous game the country holds which they call “The Game” (they’re not good at naming things in Parmesan—I mean, Parmistan). Like any government agency would, they call upon a gymnast by the name of Jonathan Cabot to compete in “The Game.” Before he leaves, they give him training that uses martial arts and his ability to flip in the air, as well as to somehow create a cartoon sound effect when his body (or someone he strikes) hits the ground. Leading this training is the daughter of the leader of
|Could have done without this shot, movie.|
Cabot hits Parmistan and is ready for the games only to learn that the woman he, for some reason, loves is going to marry another, somehow, douchier man. No longer content to win the game so America can get a foothold in the country for their space defense program, Cabot is now playing for the hand of the woman he strangely loves (seriously, they never give any reason why he loves this girl—in fact, she doesn’t speak through most of the movie and despite the fact she wasn’t talking to him and was his teacher, he upped and kissed her for shits and giggles and because, seemingly, he’s a registered sex offender).
|That outfit is not helping his case...|
|They never explain the hawk...other than the obvious |
out-of-control budget that is implied by the inclusion of
|Photographic evidence of two extras almost being trampled by horses...while the other|
extras cheer on the atrocity.
Or the fact the film’s antagonist looks like he should be a bassist for a bad 80s hair metal band…
|"The earring only enhances my douche bag powers of evil."|
|"Does anyone know where the bathroom is? I am going |
Gymkata the hell out of a burrito that isn't sitting well."
Gymkata is a movie I’ve always been familiar with (and one referenced a lot in one of my all-time favorite shows; Mystery Science Theater 3000) but have never actually sat down to watch. It wasn’t until my tastes refined to the point where I have grown to love and actively seek out bad cinema did I feel the need to finally sit down and watch a weakling flail his way through a karate fight while possibly wearing a diaper under his sweatpants.
|He's totally wearing a diaper.|
And, I have to say that the experience was great. But not because the movie is awesome or anything but because it is so amazingly bad.