Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Pink Panther 2

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic  And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews!

The Pink Panther 2 – 3 out of 5

In my review of the first Pink Panther (the remake,) I stated that while the film wasn’t the best example of a comedy out there and it couldn’t compare to the original films that starred Peter Sellers (before the crappy last ones that were made after he died and they used a double) I did find myself enjoying the film to an extent because I’m a HUGE fan of Steve Martin (he was one of those comics who inspired me to get on stage and make jokes about how I can’t get laid and the exact deal with airline food and the mystery held within that) and I’m a HUGE fan of the original films. I admitted that the remake didn’t hold a candle to the work Peter Sellers made (even though Sellers absolutely hated the films) and there was literally no way in all of what people hold holy could Martin be an adequate replacement in the iconic role of Inspector Clouseau. However, it’s clear that Martin was a huge fan of the originals and his enthusiasm for the role was very apparent so it was hard for me to completely hate the film. The same is said about the 2nd film here and I even think it was slightly more entertaining that the last one.

Points have to be given to the movie for the mustache alone.

A master thief simply referred to as The Tornado is off stealing some of the greatest national treasures the world has ever seen—including the Magna Carta, the Shroud of Turin, the Imperial Sword and the infamous Pink Panther diamond. To solve this crime, the Government of France creates an ultimate crime fighting force (referred to in the film as the Dream Team) that includes Inspector Pepperidge (Alfred Molina) from the UK, Vincenzo (Andy Garcia) from Italy, an gadget geek from Japan; Kenji (Yuki Matsuzaki), a criminologist from India; Sonia (Aishwarya Rai Bachchan) and, after being reassigned from a parking officer back to Inspector, Clouseau, as well as his partner Ponton (Jean Reno). The team are quick to jump all over Europe to find the culprit while Clouseau is dealing with his feelings for a coworker, getting lessons on being more PC (from Lily Tomlin) and getting into ridiculous slap-stick hi-jinks you expect from a Pink Panther film.

He's probably listening to LMFAO.  I'm kidding, his face would be melting if
he was listening to LMFAO.

This sequel to the remake isn’t the best comedy every produced and it is nowhere near the level that some of the classic Sellers’ films have brought to us but I didn’t find this film to be terrible either. Sure the gags and physical comedy isn’t as tight as something Blake Edwards would have crafted but it’s not like this was a non-stop sequences of nutshots or something like Daddy Day Care.

Okay...so there was a lot of lowbrow comedic moments.  Like this apparent
pie fight or end of a porno shoot.

Jeremy Irons shown here just releasing a large fart apparently.
There’s also a lot of star power at work in this film as you not only have Martin, Garcia, Reno and Molina but you also have an appearance by Jeremy Irons (who may or may not have been in the film as part of his plot to get some gold out from under John McClane’s nose), Lily Tomlin offering up some amusing scenes where she tries to bring the character of Clouseau into this more PC era (there’s a great reference to the old films as he is lectured about how he shouldn’t call those of Asian descent as our “little yellow friend”) and we see John Cleese replace Kevin Kline as Dreyfus—and who doesn’t love John Cleese? People who hate being happy, that’s who.

Seriously, who hates John Cleese?

Like the first film, it was obvious to me that Martin wasn’t trying to wear the shoes of Peter Sellers and try to play Clouseau the way we have come to know him but offer up his own perspective on the role. I admit that Martin’s Clouseau isn’t on par as Peter Sellers but I still found Martin very amusing in the role and found the film to be mildly enjoyable and decently entertaining even though nearly all other critics hated the film.

Serious 'stache.

The Pink Panther 2 isn’t a tremendous film and nowhere near the top-shelf quality that still entertains me like the old films do. However, I didn’t think it was as bad as others describe it. I never laughed hysterically out loud like I did when Kato and Clouseau destroyed the apartment all those times or when watching the cartoon-like action of Clouseau getting injured in ways that should kill mortal men but I still chuckled occasionally. While the hi-jinks (yes, I used that word twice in this review) isn’t as creative or as tightly engineered as the previous films they still are better than a lot of slapstick comedy produced nowadays (For example,it was better than the slapstick that was seen in every episode of Scrubs.  Be honest with yourself, while the show was funny all their physical comedy was just Zach Braff falling down). It’s not perfect but I did enjoy myself when watching it.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Nature Calls

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Nature Calls – 3 out of 5

Okay…so this movie is about some scouts that are not affiliated with but bare a non-copyright infringement likeness to the Boy Scouts. It would be easy to make a bunch of jokes about how the Boy Scouts don’t allow homosexuals into their organization but I’m above that. After all, they’re all about upholding strong Christian values…values like excluding and denying rights to homosexuals. It’s a bold move for an organization known for wearing ascots.

"Does everyone have their neckerchiefs?  Make sure to bring backups."

Nature Calls is about a pack of scouts lead by Randy (Patton Oswalt) who sees his entire pack back out of a camping trip to party at his brother’s (Johnny Knoxville) house because he’s having a party for his adopted son. Undeterred, Randy crashes the party and convinces all the kids to join him on the camping trip and he, essentially, kidnaps all the children and absconds with them to the woods in order to teach them how to be men (and that line sounds a lot creepier than it actually played out in the film). Randy’s brother quickly teams with his friend Gentry (Rob Riggle) and another concerned father (in his last role Patrice O’Neal) quickly seek out to find the kids.

No joke here.  We lost a funny, funny man.

Nature Calls is one of those comedies that never does anything truly wrong but never really gets everything 100% right either. On paper, the movie seems like it has the makings to be a potentially great comedy but it never really achieves that promise.

"Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville and I just suffered 3rd degree burns to the face...please
take me to the emergency room."

Patton Oswalt feels like he’s never fully utilized to his potential as the scout master Randy when it concerns his comedic and acting talent. Knoxville actually is quite good as the straight-man of the film as Randy’s brother Kirk and shows that he’s comes a long way from his days in Jackass and actually has some acting chops. Former SNL-cast member Darrell Hammond even shows up as an amusing park ranger in the film however all the film's amusing moments are not very strong or numerous in the film.

I'm not being mean here, Hammond, but I thought you were abducted by aliens.

The film is, at times, funny but never uproariously so. Despite the comedy power this film has very few of the stars are successful in making the weak jokes in the script work. Even with Oswalt terrific acting and Patrice O’Neal’s already established comedic prowess neither man is capable of really bringing anything of laughable note to the film’s running time. In fact, the only time I really had a hearty laugh was from Rob Riggle’s many ridiculous moments.

Ridiculous moments like those sunglasses...damn those are ridiculous!

Knoxville is getting that "if it wasn't for those meddlin' teenagers"
look in his eyes.
Nature Calls is a simple movie with a simple premise. It’s clear the film wasn’t out to be the next big comedy and that is not necessarily a bad thing. The film is far from horrible.  There are times when the film's story gets in a mess of complete incomprehension but never in a viewing-destroying way. Sure a lot of the jokes are in bad taste and more butthurt prone individuals will get offended but the movie is actually kinda good. While it isn’t the funniest comedy to exist it has its moments and is worth a single-shot viewing. 

The Master

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

The Master – 4 out of 5

Congratulations Joaquin Phoenix! Your performance in this film nearly made me forget about your failed Andy Kaufman-esque stunt…almost.

"Where's your bathroom?  That gas station tuna sandwich is not sitting well."

The Master tells the tale about a WWII Naval Veteran who is battling anger issues, alcohol abuse, sex addiction and trying to settle into a life outside the war. After being run out of every attempt at a normal post-war life, Freddie Quell (Joaquin Phoenix) stowaways on a ship that houses a charming religious leader to an organization called The Cause; Lancaster Dodd (Philip Seymour Hoffman). Dodd is quick to take in Quell and take a liking to him despite how uncomfortable he makes the rest of those involved in The Cause. Dodd works to quell Quell’s (see what I did there?) problems with booze, women and violence as he simultaneously tries to spread his teachings to the world even though his wife Peggy (Amy Adams) frequently expresses her doubt of Quell’s commitment to The Cause.

"Bitch, don't even."

One of the biggest things I enjoyed about this film was getting to see Joaquin to once again return to what he does best: Acting. There’s never been any doubt of Phoenix’s ability…that is until I’m Still Here came out and he made us all doubt his ability to act when he decided that growing a hipster beard and acting weird to try and prank the world with a mockumentary was somehow the same as him pretending to be Johnny Cash. After watching that film, I thought I would never see him go back to what brought him to the ball. That is until The Master came out.

"Sir, this is a department store.  You don't need to take your clothes off for the picture."

Phoenix is just amazing in his role as the tortured Quell and is mirrored by Hoffman in his cool and quite eerie character of Dodd. Both men carry the film well and keep the film’s story from dragging—and this movie has a LOAD of potential to drag as the story isn’t the vastest and the tone of the film is extremely heavy. Granted the film’s plot has some troubles as it tends to make some jumps within Quell’s story and I found myself at a few points wondering if I missed something but this didn’t happen too often and wasn’t a major distraction. It just required the viewer to be paying attention.

Pictured:  Hoffman stopping Phoenix from doing I'm Still Here 2:  Still Here-er.

Originally, his character was going to be called R. Lon Rullard.
One of aspects of the film I enjoyed the most was the parallels the film had to a very notable cult church. One that’s become quite famous in recent days thanks to many celebrities drinking the Kool-Aid and praying at the alter of L. Ron Hubbard and Lord Xenu—I’m speaking, of course, of Scientology. Hoffman’s slight resemblance to the crazy science fiction author and creator of the Church aside, much of The Cause’s teachings mirror that of Scientology—Xenu and thetans are mysteriously absent though. According to a legitimate and respected news source (read that as Wikipedia) some Scientologists within Hollywood requested that the film not be made because it made their church look crazy (the irony is clearly lost on them). That being said, I’m not a Scientologist but the film’s parallel to that nutso religion (I mean nutso in a nice way—please don’t sue me, Scientology) was one of the most interesting things about the film and was even able to overshadow Phoenix’s epic performance.

"Get your thetans check...all hail Xenu!"

Hey...sand boobs!
The Master is a strong, emotional story of a lost man trying to find solace in religion when he’s lost in the world he no longer knows and it’s played out with incredibly powerful performances from two men who have proven their abilities time and time again. And now praise needs to be given to me for making it through an entire review of a film called The Master without making a single masturbation joke! Yep, when I sat down to write this I thought to myself that I believed that I could whip it out and really crank out a great review without resorting to immature jokes that would ruin the payoff I worked so hard to climax to. Thanks, that’s it for me! Remember to tip your waitress!

A Late Quartet

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

A Late Quartet – 3 out of 5

Here’s a real, completely made-up recreation of how I came to watch A Late Quartet

Me: A Late Quartet?  I don’t think I will watch a movie about violinists.

A Late Quartet DVD: B-but Christopher Walken is in it.

Me: Really?

A Late Quartet DVD: Yes, really.

Me: …Really?

A Late Quartet DVD: Yep.

Me: Seriously?

A Late Quartet DVD: Serious like a heart attack, friend.

Me: I’m not your friend.

A Late Quartet DVD: But we could be friends.

Me: You got a point there.

A Late Quartet DVD: So, you wanna watch me?

Me: What were you about again?

A Late Quartet DVD: Doesn’t matter, Walken is in it.

Me: Excellent point. Let’s go, sentient talking DVD.

That really happened.

A Late Quartet tells the story of a famous quartet and the troubles they start to see in their musical and personal lives after spending all the years together playing. Peter, the cellist (Christopher Walken), sees the beginning stages of Parkinson’s start to develop, violinists Robert and Juliette (Philip Seymour Hoffman and Catherine Keener) see their marriage hit some major problems and fellow violinist Daniel (Mark Ivanir) starts to engage in a relationship with Robert and Juliette’s daughter; Alexandra (Imogen Poots). All this hits the metronome as their 25th anniversary hits and they're about to play a big concert for some raucous fans—or as raucous as classical music fans get.

Just look at them rock that shit.

On paper, A Late Quartet is a film I would normally have no interest in because I have no musical talent—that’s why I’m a comedian and also if a violin ever entered my hands I would be too busy using the bow as a lightsaber than trying to play the damn thing. It’s not that I’m not a classical music fan—far from it. However, being a movie nut my exposure to classical music mostly comes in the form of a film’s score and the fact that I’m not really the type who likes to get dressed up in a tux and go to the concert hall (because, let’s be honest, I would be yelling “FREEBIRD!!!” every time there was a single second of silence) so I had a slight bias when I first entered the film and thought I wouldn’t be able to connect with the characters in the film. It’s hard for a guy who gets on stage to make penis jokes find common ground with someone composing a tearful rendition of Beethoven’s fifth. He did a fifth, right? 

"'Freebird?'  Please stop calling me, Ron."

However, I found that I actually enjoyed the film as the drama of the musicians lives made for a great story that really created some great development for the quartet. Not to mention that Walken (whom I never thought would see as a cellist—a word that is spelled like it should be a label for a person who hates cells), Hoffman, Keener and Ivanir all play their roles extremely well.

"Is that man on the fifth floor mooning me?"

The movie, at times, can be boring, although, not enough to hurt the film but the one thing that annoyed me more than anything in the film was the character of Alexandra—okay, not the character but the actress playing her; Imogen Poots. While the story of her character sleeping with a member of her parents’ quartet and teacher was interesting and made for some great dramatic tension for the film’s story and characters within it, the real point that snapped the string on the violin (that counts as a instrument metaphor, right?) is the fact that Poots is a terrible actress with very little emotion and a awful—truly awful—American accent.

"It's your completely unconvincing accent that makes me want to have intercourse
with you in complete disregard to the feelings of my fellow quartet members."

Poots is a British-born actress who I’ve only seen in 28 Weeks Later (and she was good in it) but in this film she shows no real emotion with the exception of being sad in one scene, smiling in another and a pointless dance scene later. The rest of the time she kinda just shows up and does little with her character—however, the little she does is passable and wouldn’t have hurt the film…that is until she opens her mouth and speaks in the most unconvincing American accent I have ever heard. She literally sounds like a robot attempting to do an American accent and its only point of reference during its programming stage was a Speak and Spell. While this does seem like an insane complaint but the bad accent was so distracting it ended up harming the storyline that involved the character of Alexandra and Daniel and really destroyed all attempts at compelling storytelling since it looked like the violinist was in love with a robot that wore human skin.

"I now know why you cry but it is something I cannot do."

Overall, A Late Quartet is a decent movie that tells a great story and offers up some great classical music—and I never realized how those who perform with string instruments required some rocking head movements. Will I ever watch the film again? Probably not because the replay value for me isn’t there but the film was definitely well made and entertaining and it’s not every day I get to see Walken rock a cello.

His cover of "Iron Man" is pure art!


***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Argo – 5 out of 5

Boy…did that trailer look awesome. Shit, it should have won Best Picture for that trailer alone. However, great trailer and its use of one of the only Aerosmith songs I can stand aside this movie is amazing and quickly proves that Ben Affleck is not only a talented actor who has successfully been able to put Gigli behind him but is also an amazing director…actually, he’s been proving that with each and every film he’s directed and acted in for the last few years.

"Are you saying you doubted my talent...or my beard?"

Based on the true story of the Iran hostage situation of the late 70s/early 80s, Argo tells the story of 6 U.S. Embassy employees who were able to escape the building when militants stormed the building and hid in the home of the Canadian Ambassador. The CIA quickly needed to come up with an idea to get them out but they all sucked so they called in Tony Mendez (Affleck) to think outside the box during a time when thinking outside the box wasn’t an irritating cliché and parody fodder for a fast-food joint. Mendez, after watching Escape from the Planet of the Apes, comes up with the idea of getting the six out by pretending to be a film crew on a location scouting trip.

"Hello?  You'll have to speak up because I'm John Goodman and I can't hear you
over how awesome myself and Alan Arkin are."

Mendez gets the go-ahead from his superior in the CIA; Jack O’Donnell (Bryan Cranston—fill in your own meth jokes in this review because I’m not going to do any), and he seeks out famed make-up artist; John Chambers (John Goodman), and producer; Lester Siegel (Alan Arkin), to come up with the Sci-Fi film Argo that will act as their fake movie so they have the credentials to get in and get them out. However, the militants who stormed the embassy are quickly learning of the six escapees' location and it becomes a race against time to get out of Dodge before they are discovered and their cover blown.

Dammit...I am really fighting making a Heisenberg reference right now.

After watching this it’s no wonder it won this year’s Best Picture (althgouh why Affleck didn't win Best Director is still a mystery)—in fact, I’m actually surprised it didn’t just flat out steal the entire Oscars because the movie is nothing short of amazing. The story is incredible and tense, the acting is strikingly epic and all the technical work is as close to perfection as you can get.

Perfection is almost assured when you have John Goodman in the movie.

Granted the film took A LOT of liberties with the story in order to tell a very tense and dramatic film. However, this is just expected when films are based on an actual story because reality is rarely as amazing as movies show it to be…unless you’re a teenage girl on Facebook then movies are nowhere near as dramatic as real life. These liberties ended up making the film even more gut-wrenching as Affleck uses tremendous shots, insanely tight editing and sound use to make the film so intense that I found my heart racing, my palms sweating and my breath quickening as I was sucked completely into the film. I found myself ready to leap in the air waiting for the moment to cheer when the six got away and, as the impending doom of a possible capture built, I feared the film would end on a bad note—even thought I already knew they all got away.

The tie came undone due to Arkin's uncontainable talent.

Affleck’s performance as Mendez carried the film amazingly (and not just because he has a great beard in the film) but jaw-dropping performances were just saturated in this film. Cranston, who’s no stranger to frighteningly realistic acting, is great to watch but you also have Arkin and Goodman in roles that are able to bring both drama and some humor to the film.

Even that beard is acting the fuck out of its role.

"It's not a porn movie.  Why do you ask?  It's the ascot
isn't it?"
There is, from my experience, absolutely nothing wrong with this film. “But Ron, what about the horrible mustaches in this film?” Sorry quoted sentence that was meant to symbolize someone trying to find fault in something as stupid as era-accurate facial hair, but those mustaches only helped the film because it only made the film look even more accurate for the time period—shit, actors were even smoking in scenes like they did in the 70s. That attention to detail is hard to come by and even harder considering how people have tried to make it that if there is smoking in films it can only be done by villains and should automatically get an R-rating because smoking a cigarette is now worse than being Hitler in the eyes of some people. Not to mention that the way Affleck had the film…well…filmed gave the movie a grainer quality than most modern films to further sell the fact the film was taking place at a time when disco was entering its death rattle—and it worked.

Honestly, how can you hate on that 'stache?

Argo is one of those few films that I agreed with when the Academy sent their ruling from on high in Mount Olympus  Hollywood. The film was tense, dramatic, humorous, well acted, perfectly filmed and edited and just all-around awesome.

Bigfoot County

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Bigfoot County – 1 out of 5

There is now literally NOTHING that the “found footage” horror genre will not exploit. Even our large footed Sasquatch ally from the woods isn’t safe from the cheap gimmick.

Gah!  Bigfoot!

There’s nothing special going on with this movie. Three acting-challenged individuals set out to make a documentary about the mysterious big woods wanderer (because when hundreds of cryptozoologists and Angelfire website holders can’t find him, three nobodies can do it!). They hear about a 9-1-1 call where a man claims his dog was ripped in two by the beast and they make their way out to the town it originated from to find the man who made the call. A man named Travis (Sam Ayers) admits to being the man and claims he can take the three to see Bigfoot. They agree and when Travis abandons them in the woods they soon discover themselves lost in the woods and hunted by something lurking in the shadows.

"Yeah...Bigfoot killed my dog.  He also stole my wallet and took a dump in the pants
I currently am wearing."

Basically this film is a remake of The Blair Witch Project but instead of a witch the movie has Bigfoot and instead of creative and unique filmmaking it has heaps and heaps of crap and bad dialogue.

Nothing sells horror like static shots of people's feet.

First off, the writer/director decided to star in the film (Stephon Stewart) and not only is he guilty of having a pretentious name, he’s also guilty of a complete lack of creativity as he just gives his own name for the lead character and ops-out of the actual writing in the writing phase…unless, adding the word “fuck” to every other word in a sentence was in the script but me thinks it wasn’t.

"Okay...so I have an idea for a shitty movie that requires almost nothing on our part..."

One could easily make a drinking game of all the times the character use the word “fuck” as filler for their sentences but it would ultimately end in alcohol poisoning within minutes of the movie. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude and I have nothing against profanity (seriously, have you read my fucking blog?) but I have a problem with lazy writing. If I had a dollar for every time I was at an open mic and had to listen to a young comic stumble his way through a half-written joke who just adds “fuck” every other word because they forgot to feather out their set-up and punchline I would get to retire and never have to get on stage again or do another review.

It has the look of Paris Hilton's sex tape but not the same amount of scares.

Improv is hard—REALLY HARD! The quickest way to tell if someone is incapable of improv is to watch them freeze up when action is called. The second quickest is to hear how often they rely on the word “fuck” or “like” when trying to stammer out the simplest of sentences. That’s basically the entire film. Every line is “I was—ah, fucking—trying to—ah, fucking—” It gets old real quick and just makes the film look cheap—and the movie already looks cheap enough as it is.

The look of a woman trying to swallow pride because someone probably has some
dirt on her in order to get her in this piece of shit.

Even the actors in the film are trying to locate the story
and the scary parts.
I already hinted that this film had bad acting but I simply can’t put into words how bad the acting was. And the fact there was clearly no script also comes into play here as some sequences of the film start to play out like Stephon just said, “Okay, we need this basic scene and let’s go!” What follows is a sequence that becomes painfully long and ultimately ends up with something that did nothing to help the already weak story and ended up hurting the film by making it even worse. At that point I imagine Stephon raised his hands in the air, shouted in triumph and made a vague claim that he was making The Godfather of Bigfoot movies. Once again, I have to emphasize improvisation is very difficult and if you can’t do it and rely on it for the entire movie because writing scripts seems even more difficult for you the end result is going to be a movie so painfully bad that a trip to a dentist and getting a root canal that you don’t actually need seems totally rational and a great excuse to get out of watching the film—because the movie is so bad you are quick to forget that there is a “stop” button on your DVD player.

"I'm telling you it's only ten bucks.  The things I can do with this hand..."

Bad acting, shitty camera work (shitty being relative since it’s a “found footage” movie and they are not known for quality camera work so that shows how bad this one does it) and a painfully obvious fact there was no script but a small outline written on a cocktail napkin next to some doodles of boobs are all obvious but the film’s biggest failure comes in the lack of payoff and ending that should have just basically been Stephon Stewart standing in from of the camera spreading his buttcheeks and saying “Fuck you, you watched my shitty movie now watch me take a steaming shit on the camera for your wasted investment of money and time.”

This is nearly 65% of the film.

For the eight of you who are actually going to watch this movie—you are probably related to Stephon Stewart and are going to watch it against your will—and don’t want the film spoiled, I suggest you leave the review now. For the rest of you, scroll down because a major spoiler is going to happen…

Keep going….

Almost there…

How you doing? Okay?

Seriously, just about there…

Okay, I think I took this joke far enough…

Here’s the spoiler…BIGFOOT IS BARELY IN THE FILM!!! What the fuck?!? Oh, you’ll get a glimpse of him but the movie would rather have raping backwoods rednecks be the film’s antagonist than the mythic beast that dominates the fantasy’s of lonely cryptozoologists the world over. I normally don’t give away such a spoiler of such a magnitude but this movie was such a work of shit and was clearly made for the sole reason of trying to cash in on the “found footage” popularity that Stephon Stewart (who is basically just the Devil) shat out the crappiest film that twenty dollars, a few hours in a nature preserve and paying for dinner for the co-stars could buy (and judging by their performances, the dinner was the value menu at McDonald’s with a three dollar limit.)

This is, honestly, the best shot of a Bigfoot in the entire film.

Pure and utter shit is the best way I can describe Bigfoot County. The undeniable lack of creativity is so evident that the entire film becomes an argument that it wasn’t just a lack of creativity but Stephon himself slapped creativity in the face and as it hit the ground took a hot piss upon it. The film offers up no tension (unless you count a five minute scene of a guy stumbling around a cave and panting tension or watching the grass as the same man stumbles around also tension), gives no pay off, offers no real characters, no semblance of story, no plot to be seen—fuck it, all the film gives you is bad dialogue and a migraine. I hate to rant but this movie was so awful that I actually found myself saying that after sitting through Bigfoot County I could easily sit through the entire Twilight series and find it a more enjoyable experience than sitting through this crapfest. 

Silent Hill: Revelation

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Silent Hill: Revelation – 2 out of 5

The Silent Hill games are pretty awesome (and flipping scary). The first film, much to the surprise of everyone who’s ever seen a video game adapted to film, was actually pretty decent and very entertaining. Not surprisingly, a sequel was produced and, much less surprisingly, it was like most video game adaptations.

Did you see the first one? Because I don’t feel like recapping it…You didn’t see it? Fine…so, at the end of the film we see that Rose (Radha Mitchell) and her daughter (who she chased into the abandoned town of Silent Hill because of her daughter’s connection to a cult or some shit and how they killed a strange little girl) are still trapped in an alternate dimension (or some shit) that Silent Hill exists in. She was able to get her daughter to escape to her husband Harry (Sean Bean)—and that happens in this film so you’re now caught up (many elements of the first film were omitted for time).

"Is this one of those Flash Mobs?"

Years have passed and Harry and Rose’s daughter has grown up to be a socially awkward teenager. Well, this teenager; Heather (Adelaide Clemens), starts having strange visions of beasts that can only be described as milder Cenobites. She quickly learns that a cult (or some shit) in Silent Hill is trying to reclaim her—a cult (or some shit) lead by the evil Claudia Wolf (Carrie-Anne Moss). Of course, when your name is Claudia Wolf you pretty much are guaranteed to be evil. With the help of a follow teenager who looks like a reject from the Twilight franchise, Heather must travel to Silent Hill and try to end the darkness that infects the town.

Virginia Wolf wasn't available so the film settled for Claudia.

Revelation is a strange bird of a film (did I really just describe this film as a bird?). There are aspects of the film that work and work well but there are elements that just plain don’t. Then, the aspects that work have sub-aspects or variations of the aspect itself that flip from working to not working. Have I properly confused you yet?

Brace yourselves...a reference from Games of Thrones popularized by memes is coming.

For example, the movie has a great tone going for it and the visuals really do a great job of making the video game elements come to life. It really looks like you just jumped into the game itself (with some major improvements to the graphics, of course). However, there were times when the tone of the film went from being great and keeping with the standards set by the game franchise and the first film but then there were times when the tone just goes off the rails and looks more like Rob Zombie stepped in and took over as the odd monsters that filled the game and first film are suddenly replaced with leather-bound sadomasochists and Goth clowns. That idea, of course, is silly because if Rob Zombie actually took over his wife and her painfully obvious inability to act would end up playing all the roles. The film would constantly straddle the line of looking great and teetering on looking like a Direct-to-DVD release.

"I'm looking for Bella Swan..."

The 3D element of the film also felt painfully tacked on as it was clear (from the 2D version I watched) that the extra dimension wasn’t added to create depth like all the good 3D movies use it for but rather an excuse to have shit (or some shit) jump out the screen at you. I honestly believe that, at one point, one of the monsters had a paddle ball it bounces out at you.

The story too was also pretty weak and lacked the compelling and addicting elements that the games and the first film had in place. In fact, a majority of the story is just watching Heather wander around Silent Hill and encountering monsters…then repeat until final climax. Sure the film tries to bring some elements of surprise as it kinda/sort of digs deeper into the mythology established in the previous film but they always feel like they were thrown in out of obligation and were treated like they were just getting in the way of some hot monster action. There’s no real deep mystery like the first one and the cult (or some shit) lead by Claudia Wolf has no real threat level when compared to the rest of the ghouls in the film. This leads me to my next point...

My next point being that Malcolm McDowell will pretty much be in any movie
for the price of a double cheeseburger at McDonald's.

Was the cult (or some shit) really even necessary? In fact, there were times I even forgot they were an element of the film’s story as I would zone out watching Heather try to run away from another monster the film had thrown at her. Although the monsters are pretty cool and call back to the games. 

"Hi, Creepy Guys in Windows!  I'm here to save your town!"

"I stole this sword from Cloud Strife."
Overall, Silent Hill: Revelation wasn’t completely terrible but it didn’t really hit the mark either. The potential was there under the surface it just didn’t emerge. The film looks terrific (at points) and the monsters are cool (especially with Pyramid Head having a bigger, more of a character role than menacing presence in the film) however with a story that just feels half-assed and the film focusing more on gore and monsters rather than true creepiness like the first film, this sequel just ultimately feels like it doesn’t belong and rather than being a part of a franchise looks like a stand alone Direct-to-DVD adaptation that, thankfully, wasn’t directed by Uwe Boll.