Monday, January 21, 2013

Amityville: A New Generation

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!




Amityville: A New Generation – 1 out of 5

Number 7…this is the seventh film in the Amityville franchise and the seventh one of them that isn’t scary at all—that’s quite a record it has going on. So, to recap: There was the first one that was a classic that offered me up a single spooky moment and James Brolin looking like a Muppet that was later remade starring Ryan Reynolds’ abs, the second one was actually a prequel that tells of the murders that happened in the infamous house caused by demons, a third one that began the string of doing away with continuity and went into the third dimension, the fourth one that involved a haunted lamp from the house on 112 Ocean Avenue and began the tradition of making non-scary items remain non-frightening, the fifth one did away with the house and made a new house and was an Amityville film in name only and then there was the sixth one that had to do with a haunted clock (I SAID CLOCK!!!) and was just one giant build up to a bad clock pun at the end of the film. Not to be outdone by the crap from the past, Amityville: A New Generation deals with…*sigh* a haunted mirror.

And the same stock footage of the house makes its required cameo.


Keyes Terry (Ross Partridge—I include his name like you really know who he is) is a photographer living in a building that apparently is housing only artists and is desperately trying to make it as a photographer—this character would later commit suicide when Instagram was invented. One day, while taking a photo of a homeless man he is offered a very ornate, demon-themed mirror by the very homeless man he photographed. He quickly learns—through Locke from Lost (Terry O’Quinn)—that the mirror once resided in the Amityville house and is now possessed by his estranged father who murdered his family with a shotgun on Thanksgiving and, in turn, created another reason to hate the holidays. Now he either has to defeat the mirror (in hand-to-hand combat so he’s screwed) or he’ll end up as his dad.

And when I say "end up like his dad" I mean he will feed you the "I just put something
in your drink" stare.


Like every film in the Amityville series, this movie is just a walking talking joke that offers up nothing scary but plenty of fodder to make jokes about. This is even more apparent when you realize the working title was Amityville 1993: The Image of Evil. Yes, like the sixth film, they wanted to include the year it was released because…actually, that reason is never made clear but as if they are adding salt and lemon juice to the gigantic wound watching these movies leaves on you, they add a terrible pun to the title. Thankfully, they abandoned that idea for a more ambiguous title and one that sounds like a book for the elderly who are trying to be hip and cool by engaging in youthful activities.

Was there ever a point in time when Terry O'Quinn had a full head of hair?


I don’t know what is more disheartening: The fact that this is the 7th film in the series or the fact that people exist in this world that are getting paid to write bad horror films that try to make lamps, clocks and mirrors evil objects—yet we turn our noses and laugh at the idea of a horror film about an evil bong but some people take the Amityville movies seriously. Actually, the fact this film was written and produced becomes a fact that borders on offensive when you realize, like the last one, was just an hour and a half long excuse in order to shit out a poorly conceived pithy line about mirrors. Yes, like the last one, the movie literally flips you the bird and mocks you for wasting your time and money on it for a bad joke.

Kinda like what J.J. Abrams did with viewers all over the world with Lost.



Like each and every Amityville before this one, the only good quality about A New Generation is the fact it is easy to make fun of.



For example, clearly the movie is going for the lucrative Super Soaker
merchandising tie-in and product placement.

I mean like really easy.

The shorts alone...



There’s nothing scary about the film—nothing! Look at the mirror for Christ’s sake.
"Hmmm...seems legit and it looks like it comes with a poor man's version of
Uncle Jesse.  I'll take your mirror, Crazy Homeless Man."



Are we, the viewers supposed to believe that someone in their upper-middle class family home had a mirror with demons and ghouls carved all over it near the dining room table next to framed pictures of the kids at Disneyland? Or how about the fact that the Keyes character willing takes a demonic looking mirror from a homeless man? Would you even take a non-demonic looking mirror from a homeless person? Or even a homed person? Maybe a regular looking mirror that hid a demon surprise might have made for a better, more convincing horror film—what the hell am I saying? Of course, it wouldn’t have. I guess, in the end, Amityville: A New Generation is just a movie that is more about laughing at the moronic story and plot points than it is at making you scared—so, it’s like all other Amityville movies.

2 comments:

  1. Thanks for review, it was excellent and very informative.
    thank you :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading! Glad you enjoyed it.

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