Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Amityville: Dollhouse

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

 


Amityville: Dollhouse – 1 out of 5

The 8th and final Amityville movie!!! Finally…well, finally in the fact it’s the last “official” sequel to the original film. I say “official” but there’s been an example of another company hording in on that sweet Amityville money and turned it into the cheapest thing one could do with a horror film…turn it into a “found footage” movie.

I'm no doctor but that kid is clearly dying from something.

Modeling itself after the last few films that involved turning non-scary objects into objects that were suppose to be scary but still remained in that non-scary realm, Amityville: Dollhouse tells the story of the newly married Bill and Claire Martin (Robin Thomas and Starr Andreeff—apparently Starr got her name when it was buy one, get one free on letters) move in together and attempt to get their children from previous marriages play nice—they could have learned something from The Bradys. Claire’s son; Jimmy, doesn’t like his new family and new surroundings while Bill’s son; Todd, is acting out in a typical teenage way. Not long after moving in, they find a dollhouse that looks like the infamous Amityville house and they give it to the daughter of the family; Jessica. Pretty soon the demons that inhabit the house (because it’s always demons inhabiting stupid objects in this franchise) start to work their dark magic by making the fireplace warm the house (the bastards!), having the zombie image of his father torment young Jimmy (seriously?), using a mutant bug to interrupt an attempted sex-fest Jimmy was going to have with his girlfriend (played by Lisa Robin Kelly from That 70’s Show—and yes, you get to see her nude) and filling Claire with the desire to get nasty with her new step-son (because it wouldn’t be an Amityville movie without some sort of incest undertones).

His intense stare towards his new stepmother doesn't help the situation.


Like the previous sequels, this movie isn’t scary in the least and the acting is pretty weak—albeit it’s better than most of it seen in the last films. However, the biggest downfall this movie has (I know, there’s a bigger downfall beyond the fact it involves a haunted Barbie’s Dream House) is the fact the story is just a mess. It’s like the writers didn’t know which horror film clichĂ© they were going to go for and decided to go from broke and fit as many in as possible in.

A large, exposed fireplace with a girl sitting dangerously close to the flames...
there's no way this could end badly in a horror film.


Those damn demons and their love of children's toys.
When the movie first starts, it’s shown that what the demons do in the dollhouse mirrors itself in the actual house but this takes a back seat until it’s convenient for the plot as the strange starts to impose itself without aid from it happening in the plaything. For example, Claire suddenly filled with the need to fill herself with her step-son or the zombie dad…how exactly was this represented in the dollhouse?  It isn't.  If the demons within the walls of the children’s toy was able to exerts its will on the house (like to get a woman’s loins all warm and toasty for a legally created son or somehow creating a zombie father) why did it have to do other things in the house (like making a fire in the fireplace) in order for its magic to work? The answer: Lazy writing.

"But my presence in this film makes tots sense."


Finally, like every sequel since the franchise went 3D, this movie ends in a bad joke.

And not this joke...although this thing is a joke.


And it’s not even a good joke that has much relevance to the film’s title or the film's centeral plot like they did with the one that had the evil mirror or the evil clock. The joke doesn’t even reference the dollhouse but rather makes a joke about how the character of Bill built the house for his family. Even the writers stopped caring about the plot device of the haunted dollhouse by the time the credits starts.

"It's my fault, my performance wasn't the strongest."


The Amityville franchise is one of the weakest horror franchises I’ve ever sat through. There’s no iconic bad guy like when horror films hit Elm Street or go to Camp Crystal Lake but rather they’re just weak ghost stories that get the Amityville title slapped on because, otherwise, people would notice how stupid they are. The only real saving grace this film has—and it’s the same one all the films have—and that’s it is easy to riff on. And in the end isn’t that what it is all about? Actually I don’t think it is but I’ll take what I can get.

1 comment:

  1. Ohhh!! I enjoyed so much your review (loved the sarcasm), i wasnt sure of watching the movie but now it´s sure that i wont.

    ReplyDelete

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