Sunday, September 30, 2012

Salvation Boulevard

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!


Salvation Boulevard - 2 out of 5


Salvation Boulevard is one of those movies I caught a trailer of before another movie I was watching and found myself saying, “That looks cool. I shall add thee to me Netflix queue.” (I really talk like that.)

"Dafuq?"


Salvation Boulevard is a crime thriller/ comedy about an evangelical pastor named Dan Day (Pierce Brosnan) who shares a drink with Richard Dawkins-like atheist author (only Americanized and lacking Dawkins’ sharp wit); Peter Blaylock (Ed Harris) and accidentally ends up shooting the man in the head, putting him in a coma.  Fearing for his reputation and his congregation’s perception of him, Day decides to make it look like a suicide attempt.  The problem is that the entire event was witnessed by the born again former deadhead follower of Day’s; Carl Vandermeer (Greg Kinnear).  Now Carl needs to prove his innocence to his family, the police, a Mexican crime lord who involves himself and his crazy fundamentalist friend who twice attempts to murder him.

Why's there a lower-case "t" behind James Bond?


The trailer for this one made the film look like a delightful sacrilegious romp that pokes fun at the insanity that is organized religion.  However, the end product ended up being a mildly amusing movie that’s loaded with potential if only it had some guts to push the envelope further.  The film ultimately felt like it wanted to show how crazy certain followers can be without actually being offensive to those types whatsoever.

I'm sure whatever Jennifer Connolly is looking at is funnier than this one.


Suddenly Dante's Peak doesn't seem like such a bad
decision...
The film achieves minor success at showing how faith impacts people all over the religious spectrum.  From the low-end in the form of the starry-eyed fan-girl, Pastor Dan obsessed wife of Carl; Gwen (Jennifer Connelly) to the psychotic, moments away from pipe bombing an abortion clinic nutcase friend of Carl’s; Jerry Hobson.  They even focus, partly, on those who are good without God or question the existence of the invisible wizard in the sky.  The film’s protagonist atheist; Peter Blaylock, sadly spends most of his time in a coma and isn’t able to showcase the flipside much (and that’s sad because Ed Harris could have really made the movie come to life with this performance) so the film kinda/sort of shows this off in Carl’s daughter; Angie (Isabelle Fuhrman) as we see her try to come to grips with the struggle her father is going through and the fact she’s being pushed into the church by her parents--mostly her mother.  The film also shows the religious apathetic approach in the form of a fellow former deadhead now turned campus security guard who sees a kinship in the wayward Carl; Honey Foster (Marisa Tomei).

"Hmmm...my hand smells like onions...and I don't even eat onions."


This aspect of the film worked to a certain extent but could have been feathered out more by showing some more moderate members of Pastor Dan’s congregation and have more screen time for Ed Harris but, ultimately, the film’s strongest aspect came in the form of the performances from the performers involved--especially from Jim Gaffigan (his character needed more screen time--maybe even a scene with Ed Harris).  However, strong acting wasn’t enough to save a movie that felt like a limp fish and wet loaves (religious humor!) 

Do your Hot Pocket joke, Jim!


The story isn’t compelling enough to warrant its placement in the thriller category and the jokes aren’t funny enough to be put with the comedies either.  The reality is that the envelope really could have been pushed further and the insanity that is evangelicals could have been exploited so much more to create a wonderful send up that could have mirrored Pierce Brosnan’s chaotic (good chaotic) performance but with a weak story and a handling of religious fanatics that can only be described as “walking on eggshells” makes Salvation Boulevard deliver poorly on the possibilities it contained.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

$9.99

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!


$9.99 - 4 out of 5


What if you could find meaning and happiness for only $9.99? That’s the basis for the 2008 Australian/Israeli stop-motion animated film--cleverly titled; $9.99.

Can claymation figures get lung cancer?

That kid is literally holding all the money I have in my
checking account right now.
Dave Peck is an unemployed 28 year old man living with his father who finds an ad for a booklet that promises the meaning of life for only nine bucks and change. As Dave leaps at this opportunity, stories of his neighbors in his apartment building begin to unfold, showing how everyone is trying to find their own meaning and their own happiness in a trying world. One story sees a couple break-up when marriage is discussed, another sees a lonely man find friendship with an angel and another sees Dave’s brother start a relationship with a model that has the potential to end badly for the man.




Wow...this clay man's house is better than mine!  Made of more solid material too.




There's clay boobies in this!  It simultaneously makes me
feel funny and ashamed.
$9.99 is a very deep, adult-oriented story told through a medium that is usually associated with children’s tales.  Very adult...there's actually nudity. Which is one of the reasons it works so well. The obvious dichotomy of these facts makes the bittersweet story provide a more massive impact as all the tales come to their conclusions. At its heart, the story is what drives $9.99 but with smooth animation and great voice acting from the likes of Geoffrey Rush and Anthony LaPaglia, the film becomes an impressive piece of work that rivals a lot of live action movies.

Looks like my job...when my boss isn't looking that is.


Would I buy a book that promises the meaning of life for nine dollars? No. Because chances are I won’t like the answer but I’d pay that money to watch $9.99 because this one is worth it. Besides, if I was out to try and find meaning in a meaningless existence, would I really spend my time sitting in my underpants watching movies in the dark and reviewing them on a blog few read? To answer my own question…yes, yes I would.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Avengers

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!


The Avengers – 5 out of 5



Avengers Assemble!
In 2008, Marvel Studios put into motion the most epic build up of comic book adaptations the world has ever seen with the release of Iron Man.  After the credits ran, nerds like myself were treated to a tease of what’s to come as Samuel L. Jackson makes a cameo as S.H.I.E.L.D. director Nick Fury and hints at the coming arrival of The Avengers.  Since then, The Hulk, Thor, a sequel for Iron Man and Captain America all got their releases and the anticipation of the Joss Whedon helmed film about Earth’s Mightiest Heroes built to levels that my mortal body was unable to handle.  I was overjoyed that it was coming but feared the build up would ultimately be a let down (comparable to the let down suffered by the few women in the world who’ve ever slept with me).  However, the day came and I hit the IMAX and sat down for something amazing.  How amazing is The Avengers?  I saw it in the theater 5 times and looked upon its release on Blu-Ray like it was a holiday.

Dat Iron Ass!


After the defeat he suffered at the hands of his brother, Thor, Loki found himself allied with an unseen Titan who offered him up an army, the Chitauri, for the purposes of invading Earth.  Loki sets his sights on the Cosmic Cube; the Tesseract--the same weapon coveted by the Red Skull--in order to bring his army descending on New York City.  Under the control of Loki, Dr. Selvig (Stellan Skarsgard) and Clint Barton a.k.a. Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) begin their work to use the Tesseract to open a gateway for the Chitauri to arrive.  Meanwhile, Director Nick Fury re-instates the now defunct Avengers Initiative, recruiting snarky Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) as Iron Man, the demi-God; Thor (Chris Hemsworth), the deadly and sexy spy; Natasha Romanoff a.k.a. Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), the boiling caldron of rage (and my favorite comic character) Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo) a.k.a. The Hulk and the Super Soldier lost from his time; Captain America (Chris Evans).  With egos and loyalties butting heads, can this ragtag team of deeply flawed heroes come together to save Earth from nearly assured destruction?

"That better not be motherfucking snakes on my motherfucking helicarrier!"


I’m a gigantic nerd and have been reading The Avengers since I started to read and I was absolutely blown away with the job Joss Whedon did with one of the greatest teams that have ever graced comics.  I’ve never been a huge Whedon fan (Whedon fans boys…I can hear you cocking your shotguns, relax, let me explain). Firefly was a good show but I never held it up to the level of obsession most do. I also never watched Buffy but that was more to do with the fact I can’t stand Sarah Michelle Gellar.  Also Whedon’s work in the comics was great but never did I feel it was at the level of worship that a lot of Whedon fanboys give it. However, his epic work on the script and at the helm of The Avengers has made me a Whedon fan boy. 

I tried to recreate this once in a field while holding a metal rod...all I remember is
convulsing on the ground and shitting my pants...and I barely remember that.


Since The Avengers arrived in theaters, I made a bold claim about the film and I stand by this claim…The Avengers is better than sex.  Shocking, I know.  Why is it, you ask?  Well, there’s the obvious fact that it’s more exciting and last longer than sex but at the end of the day, for me, getting to watch The Avengers is easier to do than get someone to have sex with me and, when all is said and done, The Avengers doesn’t tell me that it hates me for watching it…unlike the first girl I had sex with. Of course, I’m kidding--nothing is better than sex but making a claim like this just goes to illustrate how amazing the film was.

"This is my evil face!"


First off, Whedon respected all the characters involved and the source material.  No one Avenger is set above the rest and they are, throughout the entire film, a team.  No one character comes off as more important than the other. Sure, some may be scene stealers and others are movie stealers but, when you get down to it, the movie is very balanced--amazing considering all the talent crammed into it.

You've come a long way since National Lampoon's Senior Trip, Jeremy Renner.


Secondly, in a world where all comic adaptations are going darker, The Avengers proved that you can have a great, emotional and action packed comic book film without brooding.  This movie is light-hearted but never silly. It is very laugh out loud funny but it perfectly balances the humor with a tight story, character-driven plot and action that can make your eyeballs melt from the sheer magnitude of awesome it is pumping out.

"Did you guys see my helmet lying anywhere?"


Thirdly, the film gives you an epic villain.  Tom Hiddleston pulls out all stops as Loki and takes the character he established himself as in Thor and brings it to an all new level.  His performance is hypnotic and he legitimizes himself as a world-wide threat, especially when the portal opens and the Chitauri makes their way into our world.

Insert generic joke about the Hulk resembling a woman at a
shoe sale.



Fun Note:  My mother knows Ruffalo's father and wants
to date him.  End Fun Note.
Fourthly, each and every player on The Avengers brings their roles to the table in a big way…and then gives you more.  Downey continues to show that he was made to play Tony Stark, Evans makes me want to get up, pump my fist in the air and yell “USA!!!”, Hemsworth brings the boom as Thor and the emotion he shows as he must battle his beloved brother is poetry in motion, Johannson proves she’s more than just a nice rack as she kicks Chitauri ass, Renner shows Katniss and Legolas how it’s done with a bow and arrow and Ruffalo fills the shoes left by Ed Nortan as Banner in an amazing way. In fact, I’m not alone in thinking that Ruffalo steals the movie as the Hulk.  That's a lot for me to say because I LOVED Ed Norton as Banner in The Incredible Hulk.  And we can’t forget Clark Gregg as the loveable S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Phil Coulson.

Damn you, Agent Coulson for making tears come out of my face during this one.


Fifthly, the action is some of the best I’ve seen in any movie. The final forty-five minutes is an all out action fest with The Avengers versus Chitaui.  The action is not only face-punchingly awesome; Whedon delivers it in a smooth way, cutting effortlessly and majestically from hero to hero as they battle insurmountable odds. (Did I just use the word “majestically” to describe The Avengers? Fucking A right, I did!!!)

Banner traded in the purple pants for a purple shirt.  Upgrade!


And of course, there’s the tease for the build up to The Avengers 2…

I'm not going to lie...I lost my shit when I first saw this in the theaters.

The Avengers release into the theaters and its subsequent release on Blu-Ray are holidays for a dateless nerd like me.  We are living in a golden age of comic book adaptations.  Gone are the days of Batman & Robin and here are the days of The Dark Knight Rises and The Incredible Hulk.  As bold of a claim as I made about that The Avengers being better than sex, I have yet another bold claim to make…The Avengers is, in my opinion, the BEST comic book adaptation to date!  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the rest of my days in the darkness watching this one until I die of starvation.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!


Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter – 1 out of 5


Thanks to Twilight, every author, filmmaker and interpretive dancer thought by putting vampires in their works, they could instantly exploit the lamest flash-in-the-pan that’s existed since…well, since our society is built on lame, instantly famous pieces of work, you can take your pick on any number of things this vampire fetish resembles.  Well, in 2001, some Canadian “filmmakers” decided to create a vampire-themed “comedy/musical” called Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.


JCVH is about some vamps attacking lesbians in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada for the purposes of being able to walk in the daylight.  Why lesbians?  Because of immature writing is the true answer but the movie offers up a flimsy excuse for this.  Exactly like in real life (note: this is sarcasm), when lesbians are the victims of crime and/or injustice, the church gets involved and calls on Jesus Christ to kick some ass.  Once again, I implore you to note that comment was complete sarcasm because, in real life, when lesbians are the victims of injustice, it’s the church invoking the power of Christ to do this injustice.

Yep, this is suppose to be Jesus.


After cutting his hair (because a real looking wig is too expensive), getting his ears pierced for some reason and forgetting he’s wearing addidas the entire time and not sandals, our punk rock Jesus goes out and takes on the vampires…and atheists who start some shit after taking a break from eating some babies, with the help of a Mexican luchador named El Santo.  The reason for this pairing is never truly explained where it would make any real logical sense.

Jesus teaming with a wrestler isn't normal...but on meth it is.


Despite being made in 2001, the film’s quality is so piss poor that it looks like it was filmed in the early 70s.  Aside from a story built on a single bad joke that wasn’t funny to begin with, the film is plagued with terrible editing, awful acting and music that can only be described as torturous.

I see the entire population of Canada made it into the film.


JCVH is supposedly a “comedy/musical” but there was only one musical number--having extended, poorly done fight scenes to bad synth music doesn’t qualify as a song--and to call this one a comedy is to broaden the definition of comedy to unfair lengths.  And have no fear, hardcore Christians because there is literally nothing offensive in this sloppy execution of blasphemy.

Poor punk rocker/wannabe actor...he could only afford one goth-style white-
out contact lens.  Of course, he can always just lie and say two of them is too
mainstream for him.  Then becoming the only goth/punk rock/hipster the world
has ever seen.


Everyone involved in this movie looks like they were kicked off the set of Jackass for being too skeevy, or came fresh from the skatepark without showering or are in-between punk rock band gigs. (That’s why Jesus has to get his ears pierced, because the actor playing him is a ska-band reject)  The problem with this mohawk sporting, leather clad posse is the fact it makes the film even harder to take seriously--even from a comedy perspective.  Fred Phelps couldn’t possibly be offended by the Jesus jokes when the players involved make it look like some wayward and angst-ridden teens decided to make a movie with their parents’ camcorder and forget that a script is a needed thing.

I'm sure after smoking a bunch of meth, a priest with a mohawk is mildly amusing.
(Two meth references in two captions!  I just won Rev. Ron's Movie Reviews Bingo!)


Going into JCVH, I wasn’t expecting brilliance--I expected a bad, cheap movie.  And believe me, it’s cheap and it’s bad but it’s so bad, on every level, that I couldn’t even laugh at the terrible filmmaking because I started to feel bad for it.  Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is the Special Olympics of bad movies…you want to laugh at it because it’s failing miserably but you know it’s wrong to do so.  But at least the kids in the Special Olympics tried…you can’t say that about those involved with this one.

Friday, September 21, 2012

The Cabin in the Woods

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!


The Cabin in the Woods – 5 out of 5

Two minutes in and you already get a girl in her underpants!
Slasher films are very formulaic and rarely do we get ones that are truly unique and are capable of standing out in the crowd.  Oh, sure some have mindless gimmicks that try to fool you that it’s one-of-a-kind but, in the end, it’s still the same crap you’ve seen over and over again.  However, Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard have once again pooled their talents together to make one awesome, mind-blowing attack on the slasher genre in the amazing dark comedy The Cabin in the Woods.

Wait...are those Mormons?!?  If so, then this movie is scary!


Dammit, don't read that book...nothing good ever happens
from reading books in horror films
Five friends get together to spend the weekend in--you guessed it--a cabin in the woods. Quickly, as the night descends and the weird shit they’ve started to experience and discover in the creepy shack starts to culminate into a night of horror and survival.  Pretty standard crap going on here…until you take into consideration that the friends are being monitored and it seems the events unfolding are being orchestrated.



Yes, zombies are getting overplayed but they do their job in this one.


I wanted to see this one when it was in the theaters--and even more so after I saw the reviews it was getting--and after seeing it now on DVD, I really wish I took the time to see it because it was brilliant!

I smell an homage to Hellraiser...and cinnamon rolls.  Anyone else smell
cinnamon rolls?



Firefly fans will get a treat in this photo...
The fact the anchor to the film’s story is so creative and is a wonderful take on an ancient idea that’s mixed in with a tiresome genre that lacks any real depth made a movie experience that was both new and enjoyable...like the first time you have sex--still can't wait to see how that feels!  However, it’s hard to properly discuss the film without giving away spoilers but, I will say this…at one point, a unicorn shows up.  Unicorns are bad-ass!



Look at that!!!  It's a fucking unicorn!!!  Those things are fucking awesome!!!
It's a horse with a horn on it!  The Jedi of horses!  Another exclamation point!


Unicorns aside, the story is a nice twist on the usual “horny, drunk teenagers hit the woods and are attacked by some generic evil and die in a shower of blood and guts.”  The twist and humor is akin to other witty dark comedies like Tucker & Dale vs. Evil and Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon.  And to top it off, the satire of the genre is just plain top notch!

Is he Lewis Black-ing with his hands there?


Thor cut his hair...and lost his ability to call lightning.
With Whedon and Goddard delivering a rock-solid script, the cast seemed more than preparedto live up to the expectations.  Thor himself, Chris Hemsworth stars alongside Kristen Connolly, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz and Jesse Williams star as the doomed friends who hits up the cabin that looks like it was the stunt double for the cabin in the Evil Dead series.  Fran Kranz deserves special mention as the burnout character; Marty, the only guy who seems suspicious over the unusual events and Kranz performance is scene-stealing.  Rounding out the cast are two veterans of the acting game playing the two men who watch and, are possibly behind, what’s unfolding:  Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford.  Is there nothing Jenkins doesn’t rock in?

I loved his work in Army of Darkness.


I have no caption for this photo other than the fact
Jenkins look awesome in it.
It’s really difficult to properly sum up The Cabin in the Woods without revealing too much of the film’s story or its epic ending but all I can say is that the final product was funny, interesting and all around awesome.  Horror films rarely (less than 1% of the time) actually succeed in scaring me so I usually turn to them for a source of humor.  But when I get my mitts on a well crafted dark comedy, it makes all the hours wasted on failed attempts at making my skin crawl worth it and I become a happy boy.  In the end, that’s what The Cabin in the Woods provided…making me a happy boy!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Detention

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!


Detention - 4 out of 5

Oh detention...I know ye so well!  Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a bad kid, I just like to socialize and teachers hate that.  My memories of detention were nothing more than me catching up on homework or reading--nothing exciting or entertaining.  However, Detention is far better than the detention I was used to.

"I'm a Golden King of the World..."  I think I may have mixed up my movie
references in this caption.



This meta-comedy is nearly impossible to properly sum up because the movie's story is completely off-the-wall (in a good way).  It starts as a simple self-aware satire of a teen slasher movie like Scream (which is, itself, a satire of the horror genre) but goes off into new territory like it recieved a shot in the arm with a concoction of espresso, cocaine and pop culture references.  By the time the credits hit, the movie is just a shadow of its beginning self.  And, believe it or not, time travel, mutants, aliens and global destruction all somehow come into play in this one.

This movie LOVES the 90s.  More than VH1 has loved the 90s.


At first, the movie is hilarious, brilliant and annoying--all at the same time!  The witty use of breaking the fourth wall is brilliant but the fast, coke addict-like pace the movie has is nearly enough to give a person a seizure.  Furthermore, its obsession with cramming in as many references to the 90s as it can starts to wear thin, as thin as the unnatural Diablo Cody-style pretentious dialogue.

Are they in some sort of gigantic Iron Man suit?


Thankfully, I adjusted to the film's frantic pace, realized the 90s references have a purpose and the awful Cody-like dialogue was replaced with something more in-sync with the overall tone of the film.

Yeah, they try to pass her off as an unattractive, strange feminist character.
All she's missing is the large glasses and ponytail in order to achieve a win in
high school movie Bingo.


Really shocked he didn't ruin this movie.
Going into this movie, I had two reservations.  They came in the form of Josh Hutcherson and Dane Cook.  Hutcherson plays the high school hunk; Clapton Davis, who is desired by the ladies but mostly by the socially awkward student activist (yet, in typical high school film fashion, is still incredibly attractive despite how other characters claim otherwise); Riley Jones (Shanley Caswell).  Hutcherson is not a good actor.  There, I said it.  In fact, he's rarely even passable in his roles.  However, he shocked me in this one because Detention has to be the first time ever I've watched Hutcherson and said, "Wow, he didn't completely suck."  Then again, he did get a executive producer credit for this one and maybe that helped him try for once.

That's the same look on my face when I saw his performance in The Hunger Games.


Loud stand-up and joke thieving extraordinaire Dane Cook plays the high school's principal.  In case you haven't gauged it from my description of the man or the pot shots I've taken at Cook in other reviews, I'm not a fan of the guy.  He's terrible on stage and just as bad in front of the camera.  However, like Hutcherson, Cook didn't completely suck in this one and was, surprisingly, passable.

"I'M DRINKING COFFEE--HA HA HA...BLOW JOB!!!" is how Dane would
have described this still in his stand up routine.  Lay off him, he thinks loud = funny.


Detention is like Scott Pilgrim after a double-shot and a "whatever pills it can stuff down its gullet" type of film.  It's chaotic, strange and hard to handle at times but the end product is something so amazingly unique it's a film that you can't pass up.  Well, technically you could pass it up but...you know what I'm saying...leave me alone.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

BloodRayne

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

BloodRayne - 1 out of 5

Video game adaptations have a 99% success rate...success at sucking.  And with Uwe Boll as the director, that rate of sucking hits 100%--it's a sure bet the movie will be awful but, in the process, be fun to watch.

The look of a man who just realized he's in a Uwe Boll video game adaptation.


I'm not going to sit here and say I as a fan of the BloodRayne video games because I wasn't.  I played them and sure the second one was okay but did these games deserve movie treatments, especially since they barely registered as a franchise in the gaming world?  No, but they were made and I finally sat down to watch the first one.

Yeah...this is in it for some reason.


Rayne (Kristanna Loken) is a half-vampire/half-human rape spawn of the evil vampire Kagan (Ben Kingsley) who is building an army of vamps and some sell-out humans in order to pull a Bender and kill all humans--what a shitty severance package for the humans in Kagan's army!  Rayne teams with the vamp killing secret organization; The Brimstone Society, in order to stop him and finally understand her past and her place in the world as a mutt.

Remember...Kingsley once played Gandhi.


Going into this one, you are assured one thing...it'll be laughably bad because Uwe Boll, the Crown Prince of Laughably Bad Movies, is at the helm--however, shockingly, the man actually did make a good movie once (Rampage...seriously, check it out, it's amazing.)

Like a bat out of hell or a man who spent up his Fight Club money, Meat Loaf
is in this one.


Everything about this movie doesn't work.  The sets are cheesy, the costumes are cheap and look like they were purchased at a local Wal-mart on a clearance rack and every single actor is completely miscast.  No one is right for their roles.  Ben Kingsley looks like he's doing it for the paycheck, Kristanna Loken looks like she still doesn't understand what acting is and Michael Madsen (as the Brimstone agent; Vladimir) looks like he wandered onto the set in his own costume and is slightly drunk and/or operating on little sleep.  Also, Michelle Rodriguez is here playing the part she was typecast to play...only an overly independent latina gansta doesn't look right in a film that takes place in the 18th century.

Believe it or not, I know this man's nieces.  I even tried to date one of them.
I failed of course...


BloodRayne is awful.  The story is silly and bland (at the same time), the overall appearance looks like a Direct-to-DVD film (amusing since its two sequels went directly to DVD) and the action scenes are works of accidental comedic brilliance.  All the swords are blunt (and obviously so) and they look like they're made of plastic on the verge of snapping.  Watching the "stuntmen" (or grips that Boll most likely informed were now stuntmen) awkwardly handle these "weapons" and even wince as they sluggishly collide during the fight sequences instantly made this an enjoyable film to watch...albeit for the wrong reasons.  Who cares that Kristanna Loken shows off her boobies in a completely needless sex scene, the bad fight scenes make this movie!

Rodriguez aiming for the stars by playing the same character she plays in
EVERYTHING!!!


I didn't expect a good movie when I watched BloodRayne.  I expected a crappy movie that was so poorly written, poorly acted and poorly made that it would make me laugh and you know what?  It gave me that in spades!!!