Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Top 10 Best Movies I Reviewed of 2012

I got the bad out of the way first because it’s always best to get the bad news before the good. Like when your doctor tells you have 10 days to live but the really hot nurse with big tits wants to play with your penis for those 10 days—for the ladies, it’s like your doctor tells you that you only have 10 days to live but the hot nurse with a big dick, douche bag behavior and has a face like Channing Tatum wants to take you shopping, listen to you talk about your day and spend the rest of the time pleasuring you with his versatile tongue.

First up, the Honorable Mentions: The films that were great but not great enough to make the list…

Honorable Mentions

The Amazing Spider-man

Damn, did I hate all of Sam Raimi’s Spider-man films. The third one is so bad the producers warn that pregnant woman shouldn’t watch the film or birth defects and possible shitty film induced abortions may follow. Thankfully, the series was rebooted with a darker twist and a far better actor filling the role of Spidey and Peter Parker.

"Wheee, this is fun--even though I have no idea where the hell my web-line is sticking to!!!
Seriously, is it stuck to the clouds because I'm really fucking high up here."

Lake Mungo

This one deserved special mention because it was a “found footage” film that was actually scary. And I mean actually spine-tingling terror and not the cheap “Oh, the door slammed closed and made me jump” scare.

It looks like a group therapy session but trust me, this movie is scary as shit.

Noroi: The Curse

See Lake Mungo.

"That's nice, dear, but I asked you to draw a turtle."


A terrifically put together comedy about a dimwitted but kind-hearted hockey player portrayed by the only American Pie actor who gets work outside of American Pie movies.

Stifler on Ice!

Hobo with a Shotgun

This should get Honorable Mention just for the fact it delivers EXACTLY what the title says it will but the fact it was a great dark comedy helps too.

Also this movie has a shotgun attack to the dick.

Okay, now that the foreplay is out of the way, let’s get down to business…

The Top 10 Best Movies I Reviewed of 2012

#10 – Bernie

Not only is the story amazing (also it’s based on a true story) but Jack Black throws a curveball and shows that there’s more to him than a lot of spastic spinning and fat jokes. 

He's also presents and expensive lotions and soaps.

#9 – Prometheus

This movie got a lot of hate because of unanswered questions the movie left dangling in the wind like the belt to my robe when Jehovah’s Witnesses come to my door. Personally, I really enjoyed the film and the fact that the movie leaves with some mystery allowed me to utilize something people don’t get to use a lot nowadays…my imagination.

"Hey everybody, come check out this worm orgy."

#8 – Drive

Wait…this movie has the puss every woman thinks is the ideal man (despite the obvious dick moves he does) from The Notebook driving fast and kicking ass? Surely this can’t be real…oh but it is, Inner Monologue Displayed In Text Form…and don’t call me Shirley. Drive proves that Ryan Gosling is a badass ready to punch you in the face, fuck your girlfriend and steal your car—and you won’t mind because there was a killer soundtrack following him while he did it.

Gosling is, no doubt, looking to the horizon which is currently filling up with enough
women to block out the sun ready to jump his drive shaft.

#7 – Tucker & Dale vs. Evil

Quite possibly the best dark comedy I’ve ever seen, this movie about mistaken identity gone bad (as in teen slasher film bad) made for a laugh riot that I will be watching for the rest of my life. The film reaches near perfection levels as two hillbillies are mistaken for serial killers by a pack of dim-witted college students who, thanks to their own ineptitude, cause their own deaths while simultaneously giving credence to suspecting Tucker and Dale as the killers. Yeah, I know that sounds weird so see the damn movie and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

The newest trend:  Wood-chipper diving.

#6 – The Muppets

After Disney bought the rights to Jim Henson’s most famous creation, they literally did nothing with them—aside from some shitty Direct-to-DVD movies and a really shitty holiday special that acted as one giant propaganda film about how great the United States Postal Service was. Well, Jason Segel came in and changed that and wrote a great film about the Muppets reuniting that harkened back to the days where it was time to play the music and light the lights.

Animal has murder in his does that pig.

#5 – The Cabin in the Woods

The insanity that is Joss Whedon fans aside, the man has a haphazard track record for me (however, ask one of his fanboys and you would swear the man had a dick made of pure gold that ejaculated puppies). I was never impressed with his comics he wrote, I didn’t care for Buffy, while Firefly was a good show I didn’t care for it enough to want its return and his work on the Alien franchise is best left forgotten. However this work (and another, more epic one on this list) made me a fan of him as he and Drew Goddard wrote a film that was a fresh take on the whole “let’s go out to the creepy cabin my uncle owns in the middle of nowhere for some reason” horror genre to make a wickedly smart dark comedy. Humorous note: A Joss Whedon fanboy I know didn’t like it and blamed it entire on Goddard. That’s right, their level of worship is so deep, they will retcon reality for him.

Scary cabins in the woods are scientifically known for attracting cliche college types.

#4 – Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Pt. 1

The first of two Batman films to make the list, The Dark Knight Returns is an animated adaptation of arguably one of the best Batman books ever published. Faithful to the source material and continuing to prove that while Marvel may be kicking ass in the live action film department, they don’t have a leg to stand on compared to DC’s animated department.

Batman finds no joy in fireworks displays.

#3 – 21 Jump Street

If Tucker & Dale vs. Evil is the best dark comedy I watched in 2012, 21 Jump Street is the best regular (or light?) comedy I watched this year. Opting against a run-of-the-mill film adaptation of a bad 80s drama, this movie turns the story into a off-the-wall comedy that showcases the unlikely (and really well working) duo of Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum tearing up my laugh glad (it’s a real thing, Google it). Add in the fact there are great supporting roles and the way the jokes never, for a single second, stop coming, 21 Jump Street proved to be one of the best comedies I’ve ever seen.

By all logic and reason, these two should NOT be funny together but they are!

#2 – The Dark Knight Rises

2012 was the year of the comic adaptation. The Amazing Spider-man made me forget about the Web-Slinger jazz dancing and The Dark Knight Rises saw an epic close to Christopher Nolan’s epic Batman Trilogy. While it’s hard to outdo The Dark Knight (thanks to Heath Ledger’s amazing performance that still blows me away every time I watch it), The Dark Knight Rises sees a great conclusion (and possible new beginning) to the Cape Crusader and sees Tom Hardy make Bane a badass again…after Joel Schumacher decided to tear off the breaker’s mask, shit down his neck and turn him into a mentally challenge ape.

Tom Hardy's performance was so good, he almost altered the course of time and erased
all existence of Batman & Robin.

#1 – The Avengers

If you read my gushing review of this movie (I said it was better than sex) than you already guessed this would have topped my list at the end of the year. Pretty much solidifying that I would be a fan of the man (but not too crazed of a fan).  Joss Whedon, despite his obvious lack of work history in directing movies, was able to take the Marvel movie universe that was building for nearly a decade and craft it into arguably the best comic adaptation to ever be produced. When all other comic adapts were dark and gritty, Whedon made a world that was lively, bright and overall funny. He created a perfect balance that, despite all the star power in the film, made the team look exactly like that; a team, and not a Captain America and some other heroes or Tony Stark and friends. Even thought Mark Ruffalo stole the film as my favorite comic character The Hulk, the film was a perfect blend of action and humor with a tight story that will have me coming back for repeat viewings for the rest of my life. Shit, since I bought it on Blu-Ray, I’ve already watched it a dozen times and that doesn’t count the 5 times I saw it in the theater.

Pictured:  Better than sex.

There ya have it, my top ten movies I watched in 2012. At this point you are probably saying, “Why the fuck did I just waste my time reading this?” or “I feel like Googling some nurse porn after the description at the top.” Either way, I wish you a Happy New Year and I thank you for reading my blog and I’m excited to see what 2013 has in store for me for great movies!

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