Monday, November 5, 2012

What to Expect When You're Expecting

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!


What to Expect When You’re Expecting – 2 out of 5


So a comedy is adapted from an instructional book series about the trials of pregnancy? How can this NOT work? Actually, the simple presence of having a penis is how it doesn’t work for me.

Subtle movie...very subtle.


Without going into much detail (because I really don’t feel like giving a detailed synopsis) What to Expect When You’re Expecting is a story of various individuals—a few women getting babies from various sources like intercourse, adoption or mystic intervention and some men either dealing with being or becoming a father—and the movie follows their respected journeys. For some, the arrival of the diaper-fillers is something of a joy, others an inconvenience for their careers, a point of heartbreak or a cause for pants-wetting fear and/or insanity. All the stories are individualized but are connected to each other…mostly in the fact that they all seem to know each other.  Yeah, at first it seems the writers were going to be ambitious and have a story about seperate couples who are somehow tied together and then ended up saying, "Fuck it, they just are all related or just know each other." Then, in the end, they all find love or learn that babies are a blessing…or some typical romcom shit like that.

Also Dennis Quaid is in this because the check cleared.

Okay, Quaid is REALLY happy the check cleared.
Either that or he's going to eat Ben Falcone's face.
I’m not trying to sound cynical, jaded or a dick here about this movie but, the truth is, this film was NOT made with me in mind. In fact, my extremely paranoid brain tells me that there is the very real possibility that the producers sat down—possibly in a poorly lit secret room underneath a government building or library (and yes, they had to pull a certain book on the bookshelf in order to access the hidden tunnel to this room)—and stated, “Let’s make this movie WITHOUT Ron in mind.” Of course, I’m kidding (I’m not) but the reality is this movie was written, produced and distributed for those who have to carry the burden of not have male genitalia. I hesitate to use the term but this movie is a “chick flick. With that being said, my review is utterly unbalanced…making it Fox News worthy!

The small glimpse you get here down J-Lo's shirt is the only good thing she does
in this movie.

Don't tell me that she can't unlock her jaw and
swallow a man whole because I bet she can...
because she's a demon.
 
From a comedy perspective, What to Expect really wasn’t that funny. A majority of the jokes are about the pain involved in labor and the hardships of the adjustment to becoming a parent can be—the obligatory “You did this to you” rant the women in labor yells at her husband is predictably there. From beginning to end, the jokes thrown at you are nothing new and are often tiresome and recycled. However, this use of “by the books” pregnancy jokes are not helped by the fact you have Jennifer Lopez making her lack of effort very obvious and the fact you have to look at that hollowed-eyed demon that is commonly referred to in the human language as Cameron Diaz flopping her way around scene to scene. I seriously can’t be the only man in the world that finds her face frightening and her lack of acting ability nightmare educing. The only time the movie made me chuckle was seeing the stay-at-home dads sequences in the park with Rob Huebel, Thomas Lennon and Chris Rock. And when I say chuckle, I mean Chris Rock made me laugh once during those scenes.

Egads!!!  Men with strollers!  Clearly up is down in this parallel universe.

What to expect when watching What to Expect When You're
Expecting
...a pretty generic lady comedy.
The reality is I’m not the man to watch this movie. What to Expect When You’re Expecting wasnot written with 31 year old nerds in mind, so it’s hard to watch and review this one with an open mind. I can see the appeal that such a movie would have to the female gender (and maybe even a third gender we have yet to discover!) but, for me, it wasn’t a movie I needed to watch and will honestly never see again. However, this doesn’t change the fact it was created based on a glorified instruction book. Does this mean that "The Complete Idiot’s Guide to…" will be getting its own film franchise?

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