Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter – 3 out of 5
Boy, our 16th President sure had an interesting life! He had a beard, wore a ridiculous hat, hunted vampires and was assassinated by a male model when visiting the theater.
|But why male models?|
|Boy, the cash I would give to see that blown up by|
some sort of aliens from space on a national holiday.
|I suddenly have the urge to fight 7 evil exes...|
|"I hope someday my vampire killing exploits gets me|
on a Silver Dollar and not a Copper Penny."
|"I just woke up...let's film this shit!"|
Once you get beyond the absolutely silly concept (and let’s be honest, there’s no way we can take this one seriously and this is coming from a guy who thinks Planet of the Apes is a brilliant piece of Sci-fi), Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter isn’t a bad movie. The movie tells a decent fictionalized story of arguably one of the best presidents our country has had, albeit a very silly story. The film also does a tremendous job with creating a dark tone throughout the film and it is echoed through the overall presentation of the movie. However, this film did have a lot of set-backs that keep it from being a truly great action film and keeps it at bay in the “meh” realm of action films.
|Coming next...Thomas Jefferson: Zombie Slayer and William Taft: Donut Destroyer.|
First off, the film does a terrible job at making the vampires decent villains. While the vampires look cool, there’s very little menace to them and things aren’t helped when the granddaddy of all the vamps isn’t developed…well…at all. Adam (yeah, that’s the bad vamp’s name) is merely stated to be a badass of vampires but very little is SHOWN to make him a badass. Even in the film’s climax when Abe and Sam engage in their epic showdown, Adam kinda comes off as a puss and doesn’t do much other than kick out some 2x4’s on a wooden bridge.
|"I'm totally a really bad guy...I'll tell you again if it helps convince you."|
And speaking of wood…
This movie really likes exploding lumber. Anytime someone comes into contact with wood, even at mild speeds, the wood would explode into a million splinters to rain down on the action taking place. Seriously, if there was a fetish for such a thing (and with the invention of the internet, I almost guarantee there is), this would be the movie to watch to get your rocks off until you are sore and dehydrated.
|That is an orgy of exploding wood.|
Back to the vamps again…
The beginning of the film (when Abe shockingly finds out there are vampires and, actually, reacts quite calmly to such earth-shattering information) we learn that vampires are strong, fast and have the ability to make themselves invisible. Sounds pretty cool, right? Too bad the film failed to fully embrace and utilize this fact. The invisibility thing comes into play a few times but each time a blood-sucker goes see-through, they materialize directly in front of Abe or whoever is fighting them. They don’t, for the sake of argument, appear from behind or, being vampires and all, leap high in the air and rain death down from above.
|Lincoln apparently was friends with a McPoyle.|
This misuse of invisibility can be forgiven but the waste of their superhuman speed and strength being wasted can’t. How is it wasted? In the fact that it seems regular old humans can be just as strong and fast as they are if they really wanted to (so the question has to be asked: What exactly is the upside to being a vampire? Does blood taste that good?). For example, Abe literally cuts cleanly through a cut with his axe and, at one point, catches a horse thrown at him by a vampire. Okay, I may have exaggerated that last one a little and he caught a horse in the chest and rolled with the impact to end up riding the stead but that doesn’t change the fact that Abe clearly is from Krypton because the equestrian didn’t fucking crush him! This causes the film to have no real threat level to the vampires and leaves the film with a severe lack of dramatic tension. All heroes need to be weaker than their enemy—whether it be from sheer numbers or their own physical weaknesses—so when you’re hero is just as powerful as the vampires he’s hunting without their drawbacks (like an unquenchable thirst for human blood), what’s the point? The film is literally giving you reasons to NOT care about the outcome of the fight—but I guess that’s why they threw in the fact that the vampires sided with the Confederates to try and take over the country. And with that, the filmmakers clap their hands and say, “Problem solved!”
|"Allow me to catch this horse with my face!"|
|"Twirling the axe helps me kill the vampires faster."|
At the very least, they could have shown when the male model that is John Wilkes Booth assassinate him.