Snow White and the Huntsman - 2 out of 5
|Charlize Theron stabbing while straddling on top of a person:|
How I Would Like to Die for a thousand, Alex!
|And here's Stewart's Happy Face...or Hungry Face--Fuck, I don't know with|
We all know the story of Snow White...the Evil Queen wants Snow's heart because she is the fairest in the land and Snow gets help from some singing dwarfs (I mean Little People, gots to be PC here!) before her handsome (there's that word again) prince comes and saves the day after Snow eats some bad fruit. Well, this version tweeks that idea a little...
Snow White is destined to be the most beautiful creature to ever exist. So beautiful that nature itself bows to her (yet they cast Kristen Stewart, for some reason). Well, after her mother dies, the evil tempest Ravenna (Charlize Theron) worms her way into the King's heart and kills him in order to claim the throne before locking Snow White in a tower for the rest of her days. The land falls to her tyranny and all comes to darkness...until Snow escapes. Ravenna orders a huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) to find her but he ultimately joins her and protects her. After coming across--what's a good number?--seven dwarfs, they learn of her lineage and, despite that Kristen Stewart is Snow White, the armies of the good guys rally behind her to stop Ravenna.
|Thrill as Kristen Stewart jumps...eight feet...into water.|
Even though that cold fish of an actor Stewart is in this movie (seriously, how does she get roles? Does she work cheap or is blackmail involved?) this movie showed some promise. The film's stylized universe and dark undertones gave the film potential to be a Snow White tale I could actually enjoy...sadly, this potential is wasted under a barrage of clumsy storytelling, a lack of a coherent plot and...well, Stewart being there.
|Come on, Stewart! Even in a battle scene you can't stop that "I smell vinegar" face?|
I understand that movies are a work of fiction and when we all sit down to one, there is an unspoken agreement that certain elements of reality must be suspended. Physics, sounds in the vacuum of space, Tom Cruise as a German officer with an American accent, a giant shark jumping on the back of a boat--all these things we accept as "reality" when in a film but trying to fool us that Kristen Stewart is somehow the "fairest of them all" when compared to Charlize Theron? There's only so far my belief can be suspended, guys. We all know Stewart is the epitome of terrible acting, so why on earth does she get roles? We will never know but I can only hope that someone was fired for thinking that an audience would accept her as Snow White. However, I will say it was adorable watching her attempt to make one of those momentous speeches that's meant to rally the troops to certain death. Not unexpectedly she fails at it but it was adorable to watch her try.
|Nick Frost as a dwarf...he seems lost without Simon Pegg next to him.|
|Ian McShane has been Blackbeard and now a dwarf...|
I hope he plays a pregnant woman next!
|"Put the dwarfs in the sewer," Michael Bay's heeded advice for this film.|
Then there's Hemsworth as the Huntsman...while, on the surface, Chris Hemsworth does a great job in the role, his character is one giant pussy, to put it mildly. The trailer sold this character as a bad-ass (he's even getting a spin-off film) and as a protector of Snow White but he actually spends most of his time getting his ass handed to him and is a laughing stock. The only question I have to ask is: Why? What did this provide to the film? It didn't provide comic relief.
|I'm 90% sure Hemsworth is making fun of Stewart's one facial expression here.|
|Um...I had a dream about this once.|
|Dammit...even on fire she's the sexiest women in existence!|
In the end, Snow White and the Huntsman had the potential to be a good movie but with a terrible casting choice (really, really, REALLY terrible) for the main role and clumsy storytelling ended up hurting this film bad. However, it did leave me one question: WHY THE FUCK DO CASTING DIRECTORS CAST KRISTEN STEWART IN MOVIES WHEN WE ALL CAN'T STAND HER?!?!