Monday, October 22, 2012

Deer Crossing

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Deer Crossing – 1 out of 5

Since I started this blog, I’ve been receiving requests for movie reviews left and right (possible up and down, as well) and, because this blog is both my duty and my curse, I take every single request--because I’m that great of a guy.  Well, this weekend my buddy recommended a Direct-to-DVD B-movie horror film that came out this year called Deer Crossing.  Since, like I said, I take all requests, I bumped this one to the top of my list because it’s October and I’ve been watching a lot of horror films to gear up for Halloween.

The look of a man who just put something in your drink.

Deer Crossing is about a demonic deer crossing sign that is out to kill those responsible for running it down with a car--kidding. Actually, the title of film has nothing to do with the actually story--it’s just an element of the plot that is used for the film’s title in order to try and give this movie some creativity cred like more popular (and better made) movies.  The story is about a woman who leaves with her son to spend some time with her mother-in-law while her husband is busy doing some doctor stuff (because he’s going to be a doctor hence doing the doctor stuff).  On their way, they get into an accident thanks to some deer crossing (eh?) the road.  Assumed dead, 8 years go by and the good doctor receives a mysterious phone call from someone claiming to be his son so he hires a retired detective to see if his wife and son are still alive after all this time.

Why is that doctor attacking the zombie?

Deer Crossing is a hard movie to watch and the story is even harder to comprehend.  No, not because it’s complicated in anyway but because the editing is atrocious!  It’s hard to follow what’s going on when the movie looks like the film stock was massacred by an enraged ape with a dull hatchet.

This is about the most emotion you get from the detective character.

Somewhere, a community college drama department is
missing their set builder.
And I believe it goes without saying that the acting is just absolutely terrible.  With its title, the fact it’s Direct-to-DVD and the film’s story is enough to tell you that it will feature a host of unknowns who will all overact (or underact) the shit out of their craft in the false belief that this will be their big break…and you get that! In fact, it’s one of the best parts of the movie.  There’s a particular scene I really enjoyed where a drug dealer is shaking down a guy who owes him money and the guy getting the shake down isn’t even looking him in the eye but rather someone on the crew just over the actor’s shoulder, possibly a good looking key grip.  In fact, the acting is so bad, it actually has an impact on the film's story as the movie's only real twist and reveal loses all dramatic effect thanks to the dead fish style acting the players take to this movie.  Did they get paid in cheese sandwiches to get this deadpan performance?

Oh gawd!  That's the missing kid?  Kill it with fire!

Interestingly though, this movie somehow wrangled Ernie Hudson (Ghostbusters) and Doug Bradley (Pinhead) into this movie.  Far more interestingly is the fact that Bradley is actually trying in this movie and Hudson looks more like he just wandered on set and said, “I’m here, let’s do this in one take so I can go to the bank and cash my royalty checks I still get from Ghostbusters.”  And when you look at the overall quality of the film, it’s clear that a majority of the film’s budget went towards getting these two in the movie.

"Boy, I can't wait for Ghostbusters 3 to start filming...I need the work."

Deer Crossing is a terrible film.  The acting is awful, the editing is a mess and the story is far, far, far from being scary, interesting or thrilling.  However, like all bad movies, it’s in these complaints that makes the film fun to watch.  This is another one of those movies you pop in when some friends are around, crack open some cold refreshments, rip open bags of salted snacks and being riffing on the film and laughing the night away…and this movie has a lot of ripe material to poke fun at. Hell, you don’t even need friends because you can entertain yourself. That’s what I did! Dammit…I just made myself look pathetic by saying I was making fun of a movie by myself.

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