Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!


Beyond the Valley of the Dolls – 1 out of 5


We all know Roger Ebert. He’s that pompous ass of a movie critic who arrogantly (and honestly) believes that his opinions on movies are beyond opinions and actually facts that should be held by all people. I don’t have any evidence to back up this claim but if you read his reviews and look at his punchable face on the cover of his book…
Tell me that's not a face that screams "I'm an ass..."

…it’s easy to assume the man is a complete narcissistic ass who quickly forgets that movies are here for our entertainment and our opinions on them can greatly differ. I always try to keep that in mind when I write my reviews and I’m always up front that everything is expressed from my perspective. Reading an Ebert review sounds more like he’s TELLING you what to like and dislike rather than inform someone what HE didn’t like or enjoyed. Also, he hated The Usual Suspects…who hates that movie? Maybe the ending was too confusing for him.

If this guy pouts any harder his face is going to slip off his chin.


Like a lot of critics, Ebert is just mad at the industry who burned him--don’t worry, I’m not that type…I’m just a guy who really loves movies and can’t get a date due to my crippling unattractive features so I decided to start a blog where I review whatever I’m watching--but, for those who didn’t know it, Roger Ebert attempted to write a film in 1970. Ebert teamed with one of his favorite directors, the King of the Skin Flicks; Russ Meyer (the fact Ebert calls Meyer’s boobfest films some of the best ever made should call into question his credentials as a man who thinks his opinion are better than yours). These two came together like a venereal disease with a host to create Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.

That's a duo that shouldn't be allowed within 500 feet of a playground...

The movie even has a disclaimer saying it's NOT a
sequel...
Originally intended to be a sequel to Valley of the Dolls, the film juggled through pre-production hell and ultimately, and I’m sure some money exchanged hands; Ebert got his mitts on the opportunity to write the film. What follows is a tale of a young rock group travelling to Hollywood and discovering a world of sex, drugs and other deplorably fun activities thanks to the oddly Shakespearian big shot who calls himself Z-Man. Also, Strawberry Alarm Clock is in it and they might have a legitimate case as to why their career went nowhere. The movie is a chaotic story that feels fueled by cocaine that sees the girls in the band play with men’s hearts (and other organs) and ultimately culminates in a “WTF” ending—odd since WTF wasn’t a phrase used in 1970 but it fits how the movie comes flying off the rails in the last 20 minutes.

There's a reason you're one hit wonders, Strawberry Alarm Clock...it's called
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.


Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is bad…which is why it went on to become a cult film. (Rarely do the good ones reach cult status) If you ever read interviews with Ebert on the film, he likes to spin yarns of bullshit about how the movie is a satire of the overindulgence and sinful decadence that was Hollywood during the era but, the reality is, the movie was just an excuse to get actresses’ tops off. The movie offers no real substance or character development; just moving from party scene to party scene so more tits can be crammed in…meanwhile I’m picturing Ebert in a dark corner on set pulling at his pants.

This is Z-Man...kids, never be friends with a guy who calls himself Z-man.

I wish I could be that happy when I got handed a huge cup
of coffee...or soup or whatever the fuck she is being
handed.
As you can tell, I didn’t enjoy Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. The movie didn’t resonate with me because, I’m assuming, I was sober. No illicit drugs were running through my veins and although there were some great bodacious tatas bouncing around 90% of the movie, gratuitous nudity does little for me without a story that is, at the very least, mildly engaging and entertaining. The only real saving grace this film had for me was the fact that Ebert wrote it and, I imagine, while sitting in his tighty whities in the dark at his typewriter and when he typed the words “The End,” he jumped in the air and yelled, “I’m the greatest writer in the world, you can all suck it!” As long as you have that image in your head and remember that Ebert is a pretentious clown who thinks he knows what makes a good movie while watching this, you’ll laugh your ass off because Ebert literally believes that this film is what a film should be.

1 comment:

  1. i first saw this movie at my grandmothers house when i was 15. it came on Showtime or Cinemax during the wee hours, and everyone in the house was asleep. i found the movie sexy and ridiculous in the most amusing way. the technicolor was intoxicating and the costumes and lingo were dated but extremely fun. now i'm nearly 32 and somehow enjoy it just as much as i did 17 years ago. that was the start of my adoration for Russ Meyer and his work.

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