Beyond the Valley of the Dolls – 1 out of 5
We all know Roger Ebert. He’s that pompous ass of a movie critic who arrogantly (and honestly) believes that his opinions on movies are beyond opinions and actually facts that should be held by all people. I don’t have any evidence to back up this claim but if you read his reviews and look at his punchable face on the cover of his book…
|Tell me that's not a face that screams "I'm an ass..."|
…it’s easy to assume the man is a complete narcissistic ass who quickly forgets that movies are here for our entertainment and our opinions on them can greatly differ. I always try to keep that in mind when I write my reviews and I’m always up front that everything is expressed from my perspective. Reading an Ebert review sounds more like he’s TELLING you what to like and dislike rather than inform someone what HE didn’t like or enjoyed. Also, he hated The Usual Suspects…who hates that movie? Maybe the ending was too confusing for him.
|If this guy pouts any harder his face is going to slip off his chin.|
Like a lot of critics, Ebert is just mad at the industry who burned him--don’t worry, I’m not that type…I’m just a guy who really loves movies and can’t get a date due to my crippling unattractive features so I decided to start a blog where I review whatever I’m watching--but, for those who didn’t know it, Roger Ebert attempted to write a film in 1970. Ebert teamed with one of his favorite directors, the King of the Skin Flicks; Russ Meyer (the fact Ebert calls Meyer’s boobfest films some of the best ever made should call into question his credentials as a man who thinks his opinion are better than yours). These two came together like a venereal disease with a host to create Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.
|That's a duo that shouldn't be allowed within 500 feet of a playground...|
|The movie even has a disclaimer saying it's NOT a|
|There's a reason you're one hit wonders, Strawberry Alarm Clock...it's called|
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is bad…which is why it went on to become a cult film. (Rarely do the good ones reach cult status) If you ever read interviews with Ebert on the film, he likes to spin yarns of bullshit about how the movie is a satire of the overindulgence and sinful decadence that was Hollywood during the era but, the reality is, the movie was just an excuse to get actresses’ tops off. The movie offers no real substance or character development; just moving from party scene to party scene so more tits can be crammed in…meanwhile I’m picturing Ebert in a dark corner on set pulling at his pants.
|This is Z-Man...kids, never be friends with a guy who calls himself Z-man.|
|I wish I could be that happy when I got handed a huge cup|
of coffee...or soup or whatever the fuck she is being