Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter – 1 out of 5
Thanks to Twilight, every author, filmmaker and interpretive dancer thought by putting vampires in their works, they could instantly exploit the lamest flash-in-the-pan that’s existed since…well, since our society is built on lame, instantly famous pieces of work, you can take your pick on any number of things this vampire fetish resembles. Well, in 2001, some Canadian “filmmakers” decided to create a vampire-themed “comedy/musical” called Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.
JCVH is about some vamps attacking lesbians in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada for the purposes of being able to walk in the daylight. Why lesbians? Because of immature writing is the true answer but the movie offers up a flimsy excuse for this. Exactly like in real life (note: this is sarcasm), when lesbians are the victims of crime and/or injustice, the church gets involved and calls on Jesus Christ to kick some ass. Once again, I implore you to note that comment was complete sarcasm because, in real life, when lesbians are the victims of injustice, it’s the church invoking the power of Christ to do this injustice.
|Yep, this is suppose to be Jesus.|
After cutting his hair (because a real looking wig is too expensive), getting his ears pierced for some reason and forgetting he’s wearing addidas the entire time and not sandals, our punk rock Jesus goes out and takes on the vampires…and atheists who start some shit after taking a break from eating some babies, with the help of a Mexican luchador named El Santo. The reason for this pairing is never truly explained where it would make any real logical sense.
|Jesus teaming with a wrestler isn't normal...but on meth it is.|
Despite being made in 2001, the film’s quality is so piss poor that it looks like it was filmed in the early 70s. Aside from a story built on a single bad joke that wasn’t funny to begin with, the film is plagued with terrible editing, awful acting and music that can only be described as torturous.
|I see the entire population of Canada made it into the film.|
JCVH is supposedly a “comedy/musical” but there was only one musical number--having extended, poorly done fight scenes to bad synth music doesn’t qualify as a song--and to call this one a comedy is to broaden the definition of comedy to unfair lengths. And have no fear, hardcore Christians because there is literally nothing offensive in this sloppy execution of blasphemy.
|Poor punk rocker/wannabe actor...he could only afford one goth-style white-|
out contact lens. Of course, he can always just lie and say two of them is too
mainstream for him. Then becoming the only goth/punk rock/hipster the world
has ever seen.
Everyone involved in this movie looks like they were kicked off the set of Jackass for being too skeevy, or came fresh from the skatepark without showering or are in-between punk rock band gigs. (That’s why Jesus has to get his ears pierced, because the actor playing him is a ska-band reject) The problem with this mohawk sporting, leather clad posse is the fact it makes the film even harder to take seriously--even from a comedy perspective. Fred Phelps couldn’t possibly be offended by the Jesus jokes when the players involved make it look like some wayward and angst-ridden teens decided to make a movie with their parents’ camcorder and forget that a script is a needed thing.
|I'm sure after smoking a bunch of meth, a priest with a mohawk is mildly amusing.|
(Two meth references in two captions! I just won Rev. Ron's Movie Reviews Bingo!)
Going into JCVH, I wasn’t expecting brilliance--I expected a bad, cheap movie. And believe me, it’s cheap and it’s bad but it’s so bad, on every level, that I couldn’t even laugh at the terrible filmmaking because I started to feel bad for it. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is the Special Olympics of bad movies…you want to laugh at it because it’s failing miserably but you know it’s wrong to do so. But at least the kids in the Special Olympics tried…you can’t say that about those involved with this one.