Saturday, August 11, 2012

Piranha 3DD

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Piranha 3DD - 2 out of 5

When Piranha 3D came out in 2010, I'm not going to lie, I was thoroughly entertained.  The movie was just about having fun.  It was the perfect balance of comedy and horror.  It didn't take itself too seriously but it didn't take itself too lightly either.  It was the right blend of wit, humor, boobs and blood.  They knew they were making a cheesy monster movie and they made the experience a fun one.

The same can not be said about its sequel...

After the events with the vicious, prehistoric and ravenous piranhas of the first film, Lake Victoria was left a wasteland after the lake was poisoned to kill the fish.  The town, marred by the event, was left empty as townspeople moved and tourism ended.  But since evil never dies, the piranhas found a way to move on to another venue through the use of underground rivers and lakes.  With a new feeding ground located, the piranha start to eat horny teenagers left and right--all of whom are somehow connected to a local waterpark owned by a man named Chet (David Koechner) and his stepdaughter; Maddy (Danielle Panabaker).  Desperate to make the park profitable, Chet opens up a new addition that's "Adult Only" complete with strippers for lifeguards.  In a further attempt to maximize profits, he drills into an underground lake and pumps the water into the park.  Then, as if destroying his attempts to make money, he hires David Hasselhoff to make an appearance at the re-opening.

Wait a second...there are killer piranhas in this movie?  I had no idea.

With a fertile ground of barely clothed co-eds (did you expect anything less from a movie called Piranha 3DD?), a washed up celebrity milking the tired gag of him making a joke of his career being a joke and three returning characters from the previous film, the piranha quickly go on a killing spree wave of destruction...even though in a waterpark, it would be incredibly easy to escape the beasties...think about it...Every time I'm at a waterpark (and I tend not to go to them often because a shirtless me is actually outlawed in all 50 states) I spend more time waiting in line outside the water than actually being in it.

Ving Rhames went uncredited in this one.  I wouldn't be surprised but he went
credited in the Day of the Dead remake.

Unlike the first film, 3DD lacked the fun element to make this an enjoyable movie.  It was more concerned with gratuitous boobs and bad jokes and so the rest of the film suffered.  Yes, it was mammaries galore in the last one but the film would have been fun without the topless scenes--this one, however, the gratuitous nudity is one of the only redeeming factors as the rest of the film is head scratching and a mess.  

"Hi, I'm Officer Pretty-Boy Douche Bag, what seems to be the problem here?"

Why head scratching?  It's hard to explain without spoilers but it's rare that any actions done by the characters in the movie makes sense--not that most motives make sense in blood bath monster movies but the actions in this one particularly boggle the mind...for example, the decision a kid makes to cut off his own penis when its bit by a piranha or the decision to have sex with one of the water jets near a waterslide while monstrous fishes attack en masse...hmmm, all these bad decisions involve male genitalia.

And there are big boobs in this movie, too?!?  The title gives no hint that this film
would contain either piranhas or Double D breasts.  What a curve ball.

There's no real story or plot going on in this movie as it haphazardly goes from one attack to the next.  It opens with Gary Busey--yeah, Gary Busey--as a backwoods farmer getting eaten and just jumps from one different attack to the next--even one that involves a piranha making its way up a woman's naughty hole.  Occasionally, some bits of story or chunks of character development shows up but these are quickly thrown aside for more blood or shots of juggs.  It was clear no time and effort was put into this to make it as fun as the last one and was just written over the course of twenty minutes and a venti coffee at the local Starbucks to capitalize on the free WiFi and the popularity of the first film.

Somehow being in Piranha 3DD makes Busey seem less crazy. did he survive the first one?  Teleportation?
Despite actually being filmed in 3D (the last one was rendered in post), the third dimension effects come off as cheap as the D-list and unknown celebrities that fill the cast.  In the first one, you had Adam Scott, Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O'Connell and even a cameo by Richard Dryfuss.  Sure this time you get Doc Brown returning along with Paul Scheer (who's character mysteriously disappears in the first one) and an uncredited Ving Rhames coming back but you still have to deal with a cast that's about as lifeless as their career.  In fact, the most convincing acting I saw in this one came from the extras pretending to find David Hasselhoff attractive.

This is the most life you get from the cast of unknowns...and it only lasted
half a frame.

"Marty?  Marty are you there?  This is heavy."
David Koechner (Champ from Anchorman) is Chet and Koechner is a very funny man but when the screenwriter is more concerned with writing scenes that involve tits rather than jokes (and when the scenes with jokes are written the concerned is gags that makes Dane Cook's material look almost George Carlinian), it's hard for a proven funnyman to do his work.  Even worse to sit through is having the tired gag of putting Hasselhoff in the film.  We all know his career is a joke but that joke about how his career is a joke has stopped being funny a long time ago, so please end it (also, Chuck Norris facts are not funny anymore either--not that I ever found them funny to begin with).  Sure, Hoff has a single moment that's amusing and is probably the only witty moment of the movie but you still have to spend an unneccessarily large amount of time dealing with bad Hasselhoff gags...including watching his own Double D's bounce in slow motion to the Baywatch theme. Koechner one of the strippers at this "Adult
Only" section?

The only real saving grace is the few moments Christopher Lloyd is in the movie.  Why are they good?  Great Scott, why would you ask such a stupid question?  He's Christopher "Fucking" Lloyd for crying out loud.

Someone just contradicted him and told them that where they are going they are
going to need roads.

The reality is I really wanted to like this movie.  I wanted the same experience I had with the last film.  I wanted an un-apologetic monster movie that poured on the blood and was uniquely funny and kept it in balance between the horror and the ha-ha.  This one spent more time loading in the boobies and making fun of itself with bland jokes.  While it was easy to overlook that the ending to the first film was overlooked/forgotten/retconned for this film but the lack of overall quality wasn't.  Like the last one, the ending is set up for more piranha mayhem in another sequel but please put some semblance of effort into it and make it a blast to watch.

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