Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Project X (2012)

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Project X (2012) - 1 out of 5

No, this isn't the Matthew Broderick 80s movie with monkeys...nope.  This is a film about a bunch of douche bags throwing a douche bag party filled with other douche bags doing douche bag things that only a douche bag would find cool/fun.  Not surprisingly, only a douche bag could find this movie entertaining.  If you have a good head on your shoulders and are a somewhat decent person, you'll loathe every millisecond of this movie but if Axe body spray is your shower, Monster Energy Drink is your champagne, roofies are considered a key ingredient to a perfect date and you say things like "crush it," you'll love this piece of shit.

No monkeys...but a flying dog?

Because it's easier to make a "found footage" film than to actual put effort into things like screenplays, it was decided--after many beers and other illicit drugs, I assume--to make a party film (very loosely based on an actual party in Australia) about a trio of unlikeable characters throwing a get-together in the guise of a birthday party.  It was decided--probably after several lines of blow off a tranny hooker's ass--that this movie should be filmed documentary style like the douche bags who are polluting this already deplorable movie are filming it.  What follows is a film that contains about 10 minutes of actual content and a hour and a half of montages of sweaty kids drinking, doing drugs, having sex, destroying public property, yelling misogynistic/racist/homophobic obscenities and other retched acts this movie tries to convince you is "cool"...and only the douchiest of the douches would actually agree.

Stay at a distance and flip the movie the bird...that sums up my feelings about Project X.

From the very start of the movie, the film's King Douche (Costa) sets the stage for the lower-than-the-bottom-of-the-barrel standards as his first words out of his mouth is talking about "getting pussy" and "getting his dick wet."  After that, the film never redeems itself and things only get worse and worse.

Seriously, if this guy doesn't make you want to abandon all hope for the world...

A part of me wants to believe that the fault of this and complete absence of any likeable/decent/entertaining or ethical characters comes from the fact that the screenwriters Matt Drake and Michael Bacall skipped that day in their writers class that would have educated them on the concept of a protagonist but more likely, they are just complete douche bags themselves and think that acting like a chauvinistic potential date rapist is somehow the way a person is supposed to act. 

Because when I sit down to watch a movie, I want to watch a bunch of shitty, sweaty
kids trying to date rape women.  That's my entertainment.

I'm not a violent person but never have I wished for the death of a character more than the main three teenagers who take up this film--none more than the Overlord Douche Costa who I wished was hit by a car in the film...for no reason at all, a car hitting him would have jumped up my score of this movie to a 5.  However, as his rape-like facade began to become more prominent in the film, I began to feel that death was too good for this vile character.  Seriously, I can't think of a villain within any movie that is worse than this trio of garbage.  Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars seems like a sweetheart and a fun, kind hearted man when compared to just Costa.

Wait...the Batman villain Firefly showed up?

Now you're probably saying, "Ron, these guys were just teenagers and they made a mistake.  Didn't you screw up royal as a kid?"  To answer that:  No, I didn't.  One, I don't find that treating women like objects to fornicate with and forget 10 minutes later and destroying public property to be cool and in high school, I was more interesting in playing D&D.   But the problem with this arugument is the fact the trio never learns their lesson...another important aspect of writing a story that the screenwriters missed in their writers course.  These kids do shitty things and feel good about doing said shitty stuff.

Seriously, this fictional character should have died to make this a somewhat watchable movie.

There's no substance to this film.  No story, no moral, no real conflict, no climax, no character, no nothing.  It's just douche bags treating women like sex toys, taking drugs like candy, downing beers like it's about to be outlawed and basically acting like future Fox News viewing conservatives who will later deny these activities while they use their daddy's influence to get them into a college they are too stupid to attend.

Wait...are...are they dead?!?  YES!!!  No wait...they're only high...and stupid.

After feeling like my eyes and brain was raped by what could easily be argued is the worst film I've ever sat through, I nearly lost all hope in humanity because only a truly sick, evil person would let such an awful movie loose on the world...and an even sicker person would enjoy it.  The only thing that let me sleep that night was the hope that all actors, producers and individuals who worked on this project would never be allowed to EVER be around the creation of a movie again...but then I heard they plan on producing a sequel.  Needless to say, I've begun to build a rocket because I no longer want to live on this planet. 

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