Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Haywire

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Haywire - 3 out of 5

Haywire could have been a great spy thriller if it wasn't for a single fatal flaw...

As spy movies go, Haywire doesn't venture far from the cliche as it is about a top shelf soldier of fortune for hire that goes on a revenge streak after she is set up to die on what was suppose to be an easy mission but was pretty obviously from the get-go a mission meant to end in her own demise.  That's right, I said her.  I guess that was the hook that director Steven Soderbergh (director of Contagion, The Informant! and the Ocean's films as well as a lover of amber-colored light dominating his films) was looking for in order to hide the fact that, as far as the spy/revenge/soldier of fortune movies go, it's not very inventive or creative.

Why does McGregor look younger in every movie he makes?
Is he Benjamin Button-ing on us?

Antonio Banderas...a man who's voice has the magical
power to make women's panties disappear.
However, Soderbergh is a very talented director and makes the film look like your typical 70s spy classic with its hip presentation and use of music and setting.  However, he gives it an added flair of slick and well choreographed fight scenes that makes the movie give the potential to be a decent action film.  Not to mention the film (like all Soderbergh films) is filled with an amazing cast of talent that include Michael Angarano, Michael Douglas, Antonio Banderas, Bill Paxton, Ewan McGregor and Michael Fassbender.  However, despite the concept of filling his films with incredible amounts of talented individuals, it seems that Soderbergh may have done this to once again attempt to blind the audience to the film's shortcomings.  Or, more accurate, shortcoming.

How 'bought Fassbender in that suit, huh?  What's the matter?  Your Magneto costume
at the cleaners?  (Okay, all the captions can't be gems now.)

I said this movie has one fatal flaw that keeps it from being truly decent and that flaw comes in the form of fitness model and female mixed martial arts fighter Gina Carano taking the film's lead as the wannabe female Jason Bourne.  What's the flaw, you probably ask?  Carano can't act to save her life.  Granted during the fight scenes she comes off as a legitimate bad-ass ready to take some names with the butt-kickings she is delivering but eventually the fight scenes end and story has to take over and in the story comes dialogue and in the dialogue comes Carano's true weakness:  Her utter and complete inability to deliver a decent line.  How bad is her acting?  Let me put it this way...Channing Tatum is in this film and when these two share a scene, Carano's short comings make Tatum look like he's Oscar worthy in his lazy, medicated-style of performance.  

Yes, Carano makes Tatum look almost Shakespearean in his performance.

I had the same reaction after 1 minute of Carano's
acting.  I feel your pain, Angarano.
Does this come as any surprise?  Carano isn't an actress despite what her resume may say. She's just a pretty face that legions upon legions of horny men on the internet have raised high on the dais of mediocre fame and, since our culture is ass-backwards, we believe that because someone is easy on the eyes and arousing to the genitals, we instantly (and foolishly) tell ourselves that this person is terrific in any endeavor they try their hand at...and we're too busy hiding our erections to stop and tell these people they the can't do everything.  Carano is not to blame for her bad acting (but is to blame for how bad this film is) because it's not her fault she doesn't know she can't act.  Blame society  who (ironically was taught through movies and TV) believes that if one is beautiful, than one can do pretty much anything despite not having the talent to do something from the start.

We've all been there...captivated by a beautiful person and we foolish tell them they are
good at something they are clearly not.

Haywire has a story that has been told before and has been told better.  Sure Soderbergh's presentation is nice to look at and, from a technical aspect, the film is well put together.  However, the unbearable performance of Carano is enough to take me out of the film every time she fails to deliver even the simplest of lines.  Even the combined might of putting Paxton, Douglas, McGregor, Fassbender, Banderas and Angarano into a blender, hitting puree and pouring the sweet mixture over this film isn't enough to cover Carano's momentum killing lack of talent.  The only thing this movie really showcases well is that just because you're pretty, doesn't mean you can act.

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