Sunday, May 20, 2012

Battleship

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Battleship - 1 out of 5

You sunk my battleship...and faith in humanity alongside it.

Battleship.  A popular board game that entertained me as a child but never screamed out the potential to be a phoned-in generic popcorn action film.  But the elites in Hollywood's golden towers, under the belief that all people are stupid and will swallow the shitty entertainment that is shoved down our throats (and before you point it out that I actually shelled out cash to see it, let me remind you that someone has to take the bullet), hired two dudes to write the weakest script that the product placement money from Coke Zero could buy and made a story to a game that never actually had a story.  At least Clue had some backstory to its characters!

As if on a dare, Battleship brings in every action film cliche and it starts off with a bang on its story...an alien invasion--my favorite part of the game that never actually existed in the game.  Our world builds a big satellite to send a message to a planet much like our own and they respond...by invading and closing off Hawaii in a energy shield.  Navy ships trapped within the dome are forced to fight for their lives against an alien invader that looks suspiciously like Master Chief and the Orbital Drop Shock Troopers from the Halo franchise...and then you know the rest...and that's the last time the film makes any real sense.

Rihanna, please do me a favor:  NEVER ACT AGAIN!!!

When I walked into the theater to this one, I expected it to be bad--in fact, I kinda hoped it would be at least a decent, mediocre popcorn action film--but I wasn't prepared for how bad this film would get.  The film never truly explains (but hinted to) the motivation behind what the aliens are doing and, admittedly, isn't a bad thing but the problem is, the aliens seem to be mentally challenged as they flip-flop from being gentle to needlessly violent.  Okay, I get it movie, you want me to cheer for the humans and for mankind to win--oops, but therein lies the film's next mistake...not a single human character is worthy of being living as they are either completely lifeless (not surprising when the script is taken into consideration) or downright annoying to the point you actually hope that the aliens take out the entire planet.

What the hell are these things?  I don't know and the movie never tells you.
But when your movie is based on a board game, you can pretty much make
it up as you go along.

However, the worst aspect of this film is the fact that it is filled with plotholes and a lack of established rules.  For example, when the aliens invade, our man-made weapons seem to be no match for them but by the time the third act comes around, a single 50 caliber gun can take out an entire ship.  Even more annoying is the fact that these aliens are capable of creating a giant force-field that can encapsulate all the islands of Hawaii but are incapable of giving their ships (which also seem the lack the ability to fly and "hop" around the ocean) simple shields.  Hell the aliens in Independence Day had shields and it became a major plot point for the heroes to overcome--but detail such as that would be too much intelligence for a movie like Battleship to put out.

Calling your agent now isn't going to get you out of this one.

This movie is just a sloppy mess.  B-stories are added as the aliens send their death-machines (that look like the unholy offspring of a Decepticon and Sonic the Hedgehog) to the islands to wreak havoc and destruction but are completely forgotten about.  Even the only viable name attached to this film (Liam Neeson) gets forgotten about a lot and the movie will haphazardly return to him as if the director said, "FUCK, I forgot about Neeson."  There there's apparently the fact that it only requires the same five people to do every single thing inside a Destroyer.  Oh, there are other people on that ship but when the shit hits the fan, we apparently need Rihanna to be both the gunner and a member of a strike team to take out Master Chief who was able to get onboard. 

Liam is trying to figure why he's in this movie.  That makes two of us.

Then there's the acting...if you ever want to see a collection of actors all phoning in their roles, this is the movie to see it.  Either there was a slow gas leak on every set or every single actor took this role for a paycheck because the acting is just unbearable.  Even Neeson, a man known for his acting chops, decided to say fuck all to trying and, seemingly, just read his lines and walked off set to get his paycheck.

This is the most life you'll see out of any of the actors in this one.

But is any of this surprising?  Not really but kinda.  I knew it was going to be bad but not on the level that keeps me from accurately being able to bring it into words.  This movie was so bad that it actually was offensive.  The lack of any seeming attempt at making a comprehensible story or a plot that didn't have dozens of threads hanging off the side or parts missing is enough to make a person mad because someone actually got paid to write this!!!  Or how about this for offensive:  The Pentagon pulled itself out of The Avengers because they felt the movie was "too far fetch" but they openly admit and pride themselves on actually using the real Navy in this piece of shit.  That's right, superheroes saving the world in what is the best movie of the summer is way too out there but aliens invading Hawaii with no real motivation to do so is real down to Earth.

When the credits rolled, I was appalled by the idea that some producers and Hollywood fat cats watched the end product and said, "yeah, it's a piece of crap but people are too stupid to notice."  Then, imagine my disgust as I walked out of the theater hearing people say it was great.  I began to question our specie's survival if an alien force actually invaded because if we're not smart enough to see the shortcomings of a bad, cliche summer action film, how can we hope to stop a race that is smart enough to travel the cosmos?  I also started to wonder if my body could handle the amount of illegal narcotics needed to be able to find some sort of enjoyed in this awful film.  This summer will be hard pressed to put out a movie that can top how bad Battleship was.  The only good thing about this film is the fact that it gives me hope I can finally sell my script that turns the body-rubbing, inappropriate-touching game of Twister into a romantic comedy.  "Right hand blue, left hand love!"

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