Saturday, May 19, 2012

Apocalypse: Caught in the Eye of the Storm

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Apocalypse:  Caught in the Eye of the Storm - 1 out of 5

A friend of mine sent me this video this last week and asked me to review this gem because he doubted his strength to sit through it.  Take a look at this trailer and pay close attention to the lyrics of the annoying rambling song that is played the entire time...especially pay close attention at around the :28 second mark...
 

First off...WOW...second...did you hear the use of the word retarded?  "The retarded will run for their shelters..." is what the song says and right off the bat, you know you are dealing with bat-shit crazy people who made this movie.  This fact is cemented when you realize that the producers of this film also made the Left Behind series.  There's no speculation that this is a piece of Christian propaganda and not actually a film but that doesn't mean it will be bad.  Hell Reefer Madness was produced by a church group and was a Christian propaganda film to stop the use of that sweet evil cannabis.  If anything, Apocalypse:  Caught in the Eye of the Storm has two things going for it:  It has a needlessly long and grandiose title for a film so short on talent and technical wonder and since it's a Christian Bible-humping movie you know it's going to be hilarious!

The lavish set design truly makes this movie.  This is suppose to be the Pentagon...
the floral drapes to the left really sell the attention to detail.

The film centers around two reporters who seem to be seeing the end of times come as war comes to Israel before ultimately morphing into a world nuclear war.  Just as the bombs are dropping and all seems lost, a man claiming to be the true messiah takes away the nukes and people start disappearing as the rapture hits...and the reporters find themselves...sigh...left behind (come on producers, is the rapture the only thing you know how to make?).  The world starts worshiping this man as the new prophet and the reporters start doing some research and discover, thanks to that handy dandy Bible, that he's actually the *sarcastic shock* the Anti-Christ!  They try to warn the world but everyone loves the new messiah and won't listen to what passes for reason to a Christian (that reason being an ancient book of fairy-tales) but, of course, in the end the entire world sees God's light.

So...when the rapture hits, your clothes will be left not in a heap, but a nicely folded pile.

No doubt you've sensed my heavy (and obvious) sarcasm through my summary of the film and that has to do with the fact I'm an atheist.  I don't buy into the idea of an invisible wizard in the sky who lives in an alternate dimension and will send you to a burning place of fire and smoke if you don't obey his every command...but he loves you!  But the sarcasm not only comes from my set of ideas but also from the ideas that this movie sets forth.  Mainly the idea that all people are completely incapable of thinking for themselves and are so desperate to believe in anything that they'll fall for everything.  That's right, every single solitary person (except the reporters) are mindless drones incapable of thinking for themselves and can easily be persuaded to follow whatever they are told to follow.  During the film's "climax" (I put it in quotes because this movie fails at making anything gripping or suspenseful in any way) the entire world is convinced of how they were wrong by a video of a guy reading the Bible.  That's right, a guy reading the Bible convinces the entire world they were wrong about worshiping this false messiah and even convinces those of other religions that they were wrong.  So, the idea that the filmmakers believe that the entire world is filled with brainless morons is something I found offensive--but simultaneously funny.  I would like to believe that Christians watching this film would also be offended by the filmmaker's belief that all people are stupid.  I mean, there were some Christians saying that Harold Camping was crazy when he wrongly predicted the rapture for the third (or fifth, who knows how many times that guy was wrong) time and there are those who scoff every time someone says he's the reincarnated form of Jesus.

The filmmakers claimed that they filmed on several continents...
I guess using a green screen in your basement counts.

And speaking of funny...the acting is hysterical.  Especially the performance of the male reporter Bronson Pearl (come on, that's a porn star's name) by Richard Nester.  He's suppose to play a field investigator but as you watch him deliver the goings-on of the war to end all wars, you would start to wonder why on Earth he got the job in the first place because he actually seems excited to report on death and destruction.  But to attack this single actor for his bad acting is unfair since everyone in this film is just awful...and awfully funny with their attempts at acting.

Nester just gave up and started to just read the script as the cameras rolled.

However, predictably bad acting aside, there was one thing that trumped all with the amusing factors of this film above all else and that is the overuse of stock footage.  In fact, this movie is 90% stock footage with narration over the top.  I believe that the ministry who made this film hit the library and started pulling random footage and built the movie around that.  There was so much stock footage in this film that Ed Wood's corpse reanimated itself, busted into my place, took a seat next to me as I watched it and said, "Whoa movie, pull back on the use of stock footage."  (For those of you unaware of Ed Wood, the celebrated worst director of all time, he was known for using a lot of stock footage but this movie has used more stock footage per second in this single film than Wood used in his entire career.)

One of the uses of stock footage...the man narrating this clip says that the helicopter crashed
after the pilot inside disappeared.  If you look closely (actually, if you just look normal) you can
clearly see he's still in it.  Oops.

Going into this movie, there were a lot of variables I was expecting...Mainly the bad acting, lame story, bad technical aspects like editing, awful Christian rock filling every second of the film mixed along with an air of superiority.  But it is in all these things that makes the film amusing to watch.  It's easy to sit and make fun of it but this movie is so bad and so full of itself that you don't even need to...you can just laugh at it as is!  Apocalypse:  Caught in the Eye of the Storm is awful but funny.  It's terrible but entertaining for all the reasons that were not intended by the filmmakers.  Sure the Bible belt probably loves this movie and this is probably one of Kirk Cameron's few movies he jerks off to but for the rest of us...this movie is just hilarious!

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