Sunday, March 18, 2012

Saturn 3

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Saturn 3 - 1 out of 5

Do you like adventure and excitement in your science fiction film?  Do you like creative characters and action?  Do you like special effects and intricate stories?  Well, guess what?  You'll get none of these in the 1980 snorefest that is called Saturn 3.

I guess putting people on the ceiling is futuristic but if you spend too much time thinking
about this space station, you'll realize it would, in reality, be a complete mess
to navigate.  Look at the hallway in the background, some on the ground and some on the
ceiling.  How does that work?

In the future, Earth is overpopulated and a space station near Uranus--I'm kidding, it's near Saturn--is home to two scientist (played by Kirk Douglas and Farrah Fawcett) trying to make some food for the good Earthlings.  These two scientists enjoy the solitude of Saturn 3 and have grown quite attached to each other...until the arrival of an emotionally unbalanced man out for control of the station and the hand (well, more of the naughty bits) of Fawcett's character.  Using a human brain, the man creates a giant robot to help run the station and uses his own brain to help teach it--sadly, the robot absorbs the man's unbalanced nature as well.  Now it's a fight for survival as a poster girl and a man who looked old even then are out to battle the robot.

"Houston, the Michelin Man Brigade has arrived."

The tagline for this film should have been "In space, no one can hear you yawn," because this movie is boring.  Although, the lack of oxygen in space would make it impossible to actually yawn but you get the idea.  Basically everything you know about sci-fi films--action, intrigue, creativity for the future, character and story--are all tossed out the airlock in exchange for bad acting from all three actors, an incredibly nonthreatening and stupid looking robot and a story that moves at a snail's pace that ultimately goes nowhere.

"How can I get my pants higher?"

Fawcett proves that because your erect nipples made you famous, doesn't mean you can act--of course, she has proven that since her first acting job--and Douglas proves that in the early 80s, he was hitting his end of being a viable, sexy leading man.  Then, to keep the batting record at zero in the acting department, the execs felt Harvey Keitel (who plays the unstable man who makes the robot) had a too pronounced Brooklyn accent and had all his lines re-dubbed by Roy Dotrice--who seems to be doing his best William Shatner impression.  Okay, we all know Shatner is a terrible actor but he made a career of it and that's why we love him.

This is Harvey Keitel's serious face.

The film tries really hard to sell you on the idea that Fawcett and Douglas' characters are in love but it's not really selling--mostly because each actor is doing their best to make their performance look, at least, phoned in.  The most amusing part of it all seems to be Fawcett's character Alex seems completely devoted to Douglas' character of Adam but Adam looks like he couldn't care less.  I guess we can assume that Alex is in love because she's never seen another man and somehow believes geriatric man boobs is how real men are suppose to look. 

How can Alex keep her hands off those floppy, droopy things?

Then you have the robot...Whoever designed this thing and all the people on this film who thought this 'bot would be a terror and an adequate threat to our two leads better not be working anymore at anyplace that doesn't have golden arches.

In less civilized times, the designers of this robot would have been drawn
and quartered.

Finally, I said this movie's story moves at a snail's pace but, in reality, snails make better time--especially considering this movie ultimate ends up going nowhere at the end.  In fact, every scene in this film comes off as a nuisance to the screenwriter and director as each scene concludes with Alex and Adam putting on their PJs and going to their bedroom, preparing for a sleepover.  If I wanted to watch two people in their pajamas boring me with poorly constructed dialogue, I'll just pop in a cheap porn.  At least that movie will go somewhere...somewhere naughty.

Fawcett on her way to a poster shoot.  She's not to worried about her hair
because no one will look above her chest.

I can't remember how I stumbled upon this movie and what aspect of it made feel the need to watch it.  I believe I read about it while checking out some list a terrible sci-fi films and this was near the top but I can't be certain.  However, I am certain that this film, if not on a "Worst Sci-Fi Film List" needs to be because of its boring, go-nowhere story and terrible acting from all three stars.  However, when one of your stars hit fame for erect nipples, is it any wonder that attribute can't be transferred into acting talent?

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