Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Dream House

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Dream House - 2 out of 5

Everyone has their own dream house, admit you do.  Some want a place on the beach or a large farm to grow whatever crop they choose--be it legal or not--and some want to live on the moon.  I'm not so ambitious as the last.  I'm a simple man with simple pleasures.  The home I want isn't a mansion or made of glass or contains a dumbwaiter (let's face it, those things are cool).  Nope.  All I want is a house made of LEGOS.  Everything from the windows to the front door to the lawn and shrubbery, made of the greatest toy ever invented.  But alas, this will never come to pass due to the fact I can't afford the massive amounts of building blocks needed and I'm sure there's some building codes I will be violating living in a house made of toys.  Sadly, Dream House is not about a home made of LEGOS.  It probably would have made the film better if it was, though.

The look on Craig's face when he saw how much he was getting paid for Cowboys & Aliens.

Dream House is about a man (Daniel Craig) who moves into what they consider to be their "dream house" (even though it isn't made of LEGOS) in a seemingly perfect neighborhood.  Soon after the boxes are empty and the house is ready to become a home, they find themselves terrorized by the locals as it seems this house has a history where a husband murdered his entire family.  But things aren't what they seem as the husband/father/Daniel Craig goes on a journey of unraveling the mystery that is lurking in the walls of the home...of course, not LITERALLY in the walls, you get what I'm saying.

Don't worry ladies, the movie found a way to make Daniel Craig shirtless.

The biggest problem with Dream House and the reason beyond the fact it's not about a house made of LEGOS is the fact it is ridiculously predictable.  I kid you not that I guessed the film's twist before the opening credits finished.  The movie is that "by-the-books cliche twist making" that its supposed surprise isn't that much of a surprise.  Even the film's great cinematography and look isn't enough to save it from the sorry excuse for a twist in the film's story.  This twist is so bad, I almost wished for one of M. Night Shyamalan's weak twists to show up.  Maybe having the house made of LEGOS the entire time?

Better start learning to act soon, Watts, because
a day will come when your looks will fade and you can
no longer get parts because you're hot.
Sure Daniel Craig is good in it but the man's a good actor.  I'll be honest, I have a bit of a man crush on the guy and want to be him.  He's loved by the ladies and respected by the men.  He's this generation's Steve McQueen.  But even having the best James Bond (don't hate me for saying that James Bond fanboys) at the front of this film isn't enough to hid the lack of surprise as the plot unravels.  And it doesn't help the fact that Rachel Weisz plays Craig's wife and she is about as warm and lively as a dead fish.  Naomi Watts is in it too but since when has anyone cared about Watts being in a movie since the lesbo scene in Mudholland Dr.?  In fact, the dangerous close levels to bestiality we got in Peter Jackson's horrible King Kong has written me off to Watts entirely.

This is the most energy you get from Weisz in the ENTIRE film.

In the end, the biggest detractor to Dream House is the grossly predictable route the film takes.  Every step in the plot and story is seen coming miles away and the events unfolding in every scene is even clearer to can probably see those coming hundreds of miles away.  Sometimes having an obvious ending in a film that is suppose to surprise us can be forgiven with great acting, storytelling and atmosphere like Scorsese did in Shutter Island but this one only has Daniel Craig trying to carry this film on his...broad...strong shoulders.  (Seriously, why can't I be half as hot and half as cool as Craig?!?)  Even with his abilities, Craig can't carry this stinker to be worth giving a shot if the house in the film was made of LEGOS...

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