Wednesday, February 1, 2012

2-Headed Shark Attack

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

2-Headed Shark Attack - 1 out of 5

I make it no secret that I love low-budget, direct-to-DVD pieces of crap production companies try to pass off as films.  There's a charm to the bad acting, stupid storylines and low production value that makes me laugh harder than a majority of comedies that exist in the world.  But sometimes these B-movies promise stupidity and don't deliver because they fly right past funny horrible and land in terrible horrible (trust me, there's a difference).  And as much promise 2-Headed Shark Attack gives within its title to be funny crap on a level once never to believe existed, the movie turns out to be just...well...crap.

Well, at least it delivers on its promise of giving us a shark with two heads.

When I went to Redbox to pick this one up, I wasn't expecting Jaws or a well made monster movie, in fact, all I wanted was a junky movie I could make fun of by myself in my penguin pajama pants, eating jalapeno chips while drinking Mt. Dew and keeping my feet warm in my Perry the Platypus slippers--nothing sad or uncool about this scenario at all.  The movie was made by The Asylum and they are the kings of shit.  However, the majority of their films are the terrible horrible movies I mentioned earlier like Paranormal Entity, Vampires vs Zombies, and Snakes on a Train (yeah, they make a lot of films that rip off money making movies).  However, occasionally they make a movie that is so bad, it hits the funny horrible mark like Mega Piranha.  But 2-Headed Shark Attack ended up being exactly like their two other shark-themed films; Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus.  Each film promised stupidity on a level that would keep you laughing from the reality that someone ponied up the dough to make them and adding past C-list celebs in the films like Urkel and Debbie Gibson to the cast only made the lining seem even silver-er, a ripe fruit that would explode with hilarity and cover you in the delicious juices of crap that will make you laugh--BUT, both these films proved to be busts as they were more embarrassing than funny.  Each film recycled its shots over and over again in an effort to draw out the story to a feature length that I found my ability to rip on the film exhausted and I just wanted it to end.  This is the same result that occurred with the latest release from The Asylum.

Well, I'm not worried about this 2-headed shark, it's a freak of nature.  I mean look
at its teeth...it's so inbred they're rubber.

2-Headed Shark Attack is about--well, I think that is obvious but the details of the story are such:  A group of college students are out for a semester at sea with the brother of the guy from Sliders and a former Playboy model when suddenly a freak of nature attacks the boat.  The freak, you ask?  It's a two-headed shark!  With the boat damage, they luckily find an island (technically an atoll) and head there to find scrap metal to fix the boat (because they would totally find that on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean).  Then the atoll starts sinking and the shark is ready for dinner!

I never thought I would say this but...Brooke Hogan's acting makes Shia LaBeouf and
Sam Worthington look almost like Oscar-worthy actors.

Like The Asylum's other shark films, this movie is an hour and half long compilation of the same shots done over and over again.  Reaction shots and CG footage of the shark are spliced together and seemingly thrown in a loop.  This becomes a huge distraction as scenes of the shark killing someone will be edited into the film before the character's official death actually happens.  You heard that right...there is a sequence in the film that is so poorly edited together that we get to see the character die before he actually dies.

Even Charlie O'Connell is dumbfounded he agreed to this movie.

Then, as if this wasn't embarrassing enough, the film's cast is filled with the worst actors they could afford.  Jerry O'Connell's brother stars as the captain of the boat and spends more time during the film looking like he's about to pass out from exposure than look like he's trying to do a movie.  Then, as if Charlie O'Connell's presence wasn't deep enough into the Z-list barrel, they decide to cast Hulk Hogan's daughter, Brooke.  The best way I can describe her acting...let's just say I spent the entire film cheering for the shark to eat her.  In fact, the cast is so full of both unlikeable characters and bad acting that there isn't a single character who's demise I wasn't wishing for.  Was the purpose of the film to make me cheer for the shark?  But with the shark's shitty CG, I couldn't even cheer for it very long.  "But Ron, you said a Playboy model was in it...surely, that must have some redeeming qualities."  Yes, a Playboy model was in it but it was Carmen Electra and she's 90% recycled plastics, so I don't find her that attractive and her acting skills are as phony as her boobies...and don't call me Shirley.

Are we still operating on the illusion that this woman is beautiful?

I can't believe I'm going to say this but I actually wanted 2-Headed Shark Attack to be worse.  If it was worse, there would be a possibility that there would be more meat to be laughed at would and stuffed into this roast of a film.  If there was more going on in this film, I probably could have been able to better make fun of it and have a good time watching it but what was given to us was barely passably bad--I mean, it's obvious the producers and filmmakers did just enough so it would pass as a movie and could be released to get some cash out of the deal and, in doing so, made the film more embarrassing than a fun piece of junk to chuckle at.  2-Headed Shark Attack is like watching a clown urinate in its pants, you want to laugh but it's not funny and just sad to sit through.

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