Monday, January 31, 2011

The Office Season 6

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

The Office Season 6 - 4 out of 5

A great movie once said that a light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long.

No truer words could sum up The Office as this season marks the beginning of the end of one of the funniest shows on television.

While the dip in writing and humor was not drastic, this season lost some of the charm and laughs that captured my heart in other seasons. While the show is still funny, I found myself laughing out loud far less than any other season I've watched. In fact, most of my laughs were just chuckles. Why is this? The problem is not one thing but a few things that have caused this. Number 1) No show can last forever. Inevitably there will be a time when a show's golden age will come crashing down. The Office has yet to crash but with Steve Carell leaving this year, the ship is very close to the iceberg and will be sinking soon. Number 2) Some of the characters, for me, have run their course. Mainly, Dwight Schrute. Now the character Rainn Wilson has crafted still has his moments but he's become so blatantly predictable with his humor, that (at least for me) he's become more of an annoyance than someone who once made me laugh so hard. And finally, Number 3) an addition of a new character that can't hold her own with the rest of the cast. In season 5, a new receptionist was added to the cast as changes with Pam's character took her away from the desk. Until now, Ellie Kemper had been a background character offering up mildly amusing moments here and there but as they tried to push her character towards a relationship with the Nard-Dog (Ed Helms) we got to see quite a few episodes surround her and her character (and her acting abilities) aren't enough to carry the episode. So these episodes would go on to have very little in the amusement department. This is an even bigger insult as another character was added and little was done with him. Zach Woods is an incredibly funny actor and was completely underutilized this entire season. If you don't think he's capable of being funny, check him out in the hilarious movie, In the Loop.

Now, these complaints aside, this show is still great. Steve Carell is still funny as hell as Michael Scott and his mean spirited relationship with Toby will keep me coming back for more until Carell leaves this year. Jim and Pam are still as sweet as ever and their relationship is still addicting as heroin to watch and this season also gave us a great guest star--one of the best actress ever; Kathy Bates. She was so good as her character, I really wanted to see more of her and Steve Carell sharing scenes.

The bottom line is this: All complaints aside, this show is still funny. But it's important for us to enjoy it now because come season 8 (and you can quote me on this) it WILL be the last season. You want to know how I know? Remember when the majority of the cast left Scrubs and the writers decided to keep going? What happened? The show didn't even make it an entire season before it was canceled. Well, the writers have decided they are going to push on with The Office after Carell leaves.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Oscar

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Oscar - 4 out of 5

Fast pace comedy that requires perfect timing and hitting marks that would make William Tell jealous is very difficult and very few comedians are able to perfectly achieve it. Off the top of my head, Brain Donors is one of the best films that showcases this difficult art but I am now able to add another one to my list. The Sly Stallone headed film Oscar.

I'm still trying to figure out why I never heard of this movie before because it is that funny as the comedy comes at you fast and furious (and there are no cars or Vin Diesel involved with the fast and furious elements of this movie). The cast is fantastic as Stallone (who's not normally known for comedic roles--also this was made before his face looked like a melted piece of plastic) is supported by the likes of Don Ameche, Tim Curry, Marisa Tomei, Chazz Palminteri, Peter Riegert and Red Foreman himself; Kurtwood Smith. All these actors (and more) come together in an amazing dance of comedy as they bounce the jokes off each other rapid fire--AND NO ONE MISSES A BEAT! Two men who deserve extra special praise are the Finucci brothers played by lawyer turned T-Rex dinner; Martin Ferrero and Kent Brockman himself; Harry Shearer. These two are just plain hysterical!

This movie is extremely well put together and comes together like a piece of art where everything from the acting, characters, story, camera work and comedy all work together in perfect harmony.

Suicide Girls Must Die!

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Suicide Girls Must Die! - 1 out of 5

What happens when you take some marginally famous internet girls and let them rip off the movie April Fool's Day? Why you get Suicide Girls Must Die!, that's what you get. Honestly, me giving this a 1 out of 5 is being generous but I don't allow scores of zero on my rating meter.

First off, let me get something off my chest about the Suicide Girls. They sit on their throne of faux-punk clothes and pseudo-hipster mentalities screaming that they are "breaking the rules" and "pushing the boundaries" of what society claims to be sexy. Alright, let me tell you this, girls: You are not. As much as you claim you are a breeding ground of non-conformity, you are exactly that: A large group of conformists. You all dress, act, walk and talk the same. You all are dressed in hip-hugging jeans with studded belts, low cut tank tops and some sort of designer hoodie with skulls or some Ed Hardy design on them. You all do your makeup the same and dye your hair before spending hours on it to make it look like you are NOT trying to style it. You say that your models are different than any other girl who flashes her tits on the internet but the reality is, the only difference between you and them is the fact you have tattoos and piercings. All the suicide girls are still skinny and all have perfect skin and complexion. Stop acting like those desperate high school girls who think they're unique (and they never are) and just be honest with us. You are a bunch of chicks who understand that if you flash some skin, you can use your womanly ways to make money.

Okay, that being said, let's get to my review of what is possibly the most painful movie I've ever sat through. This movie is so bad, the thought of taking my own life was actually preferable than getting up and taking the DVD out of my player. That's right, the Suicide Girls actually made me want to commit suicide. I don't know if it was the terrible acting or the fact the movie is a complete rip off (seriously, see April Fool's Day, it's a great movie and much better than this piece of shit) but this film has ABSOLUTELY NO REDEEMING QUALITIES. None. Zero. Nada. Whenever I watch a movie, I try to find something good in it but there was nothing.

The acting is an atrocity, the film is sloppily put together and the execution of the story is haphazard at best. The film follows a group of the SG girls as they travel out to Maine to do a calendar shoot, all the while filming it like it's a reality show. The whole time the film is trying to tell a story (and failing miserably at) there are inter-cut montage sequences of the girls getting their pictures taken with horrible music playing over it. These scenes do NOTHING but pan out the film and stretch it to an hour and a half (and that time already feels like an eternity to spend with these no talent hacks). Now, like every wannabe punk and hipster in the world, they will always be the first to tell you that society hates them because they are supposed outsiders and, because this movie was written by a collection of these types, the film is constantly trying to push this theory on the viewer. But, believe it or not, this silliness actually ended up creating an unintentionally funny sequence as the girls arrive in Maine and are harassed by some of the locals who lovingly call them 'whores.' The girls then reply with the idea that because they are tattooed and pierced they must have sex for money. Immediately following this scene, the girls get ready for their first photo shoot and are fretting over what to wear. Three girls then reply with, "dress slutty." Yes, tattooed, pierced and a complete bunch of fucking idiots.

The only people I can recommend this movie to are people who are already fans of the Suicide Girls. Since they are already fans, they are probably already diluted enough to actually believe that this abortion of a film was good. The other group who could probably get something out of watching this movie is young boys who just discovered masturbation. There's plenty of nudity in this film for their adolescent minds to blow their wad over but if you've actually slept with a woman either once or you still are, the nudity is nothing you can't already find on the internet and NOT have to suffer through bad acting and terrible story telling in order to see it. The very fact this movie was made makes me weep because the money spent could have gone to something better, like buying dinner for some homeless people or just plain burning it for the warmth the fire cascading off the bills would provide. If you value your sanity, DO NOT watch this film.

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III - 1 out of 5

In the fictional world where the Texas Chainsaw Massacre takes place, it seems that 65% of the residents of the state have desires to become cannibals, 15% are the possibly food for the cannibals, another 15% are innocent people we really don't get to see in the movies and the final 5% are the law enforcement officers that seem to be extremely ignorant and unable to catch string of killings that all center around a certain building (in this film, they all start at a gas station) and all start on the same stretch of highway.

The beginning of this completely unwarranted sequel informs us that the original family is dead and that the facade of Leatherface is actually an alternate personality. Now, it seems, the spirit or whatever the filmmakers is trying to tell us that Leatherface is, has now taken over another family and draped his dead skin mask upon another mentally retarded gorilla who can expertly wield a chainsaw. Which, of course, led me to believe that nearly everyone in the state of Texas wants to be a cannibal.

The film sticks true to every horror film cliche you can think of. A young couple on a road trip finds themselves running for their lives from some homicidal group of people and, of course, the unwitting hero also shows up--you know, the guy who had other plans but is now forced to do the right thing. Now, I don't know if it's because the cliches are just so predictable or the fact the film is a genuine piece of shit but nothing in this film works. Every attempt at horror, story, and acting fail. They even fail at making children scary. And let's face it, kids are FUCKING scary in horror movies. Have a kid in a dress sing "la la la la la laaaa" and let the nightmares begin. However, as the child makes its appearance and attempts to be scary, her line of dialogue is "Yakkity Yak, don't talk back." Really, film? That is what you went with. You took a promise of having a scary kid moment and turned it into a joke.

The only real thing this film offers is seeing a young Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) and showing us how even the most pretty and talented actors have to pay their dues in utter pieces of dog shit. (Yes, I said Viggo is pretty. I'm heterosexual but secure in it enough to admit when a man is good looking and Viggo is a good looking man.)

Overall, the original film, while being groundbreaking for the genre of horror films, never really deserved a franchise and, if the sequel wasn't proof enough, this sequel was definitely the concrete evidence. However, Hollywood is deaf, dumb and blind as this evidence was further proven in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, the remake and then the prequel to the remake (which, in reality, seemed more like a remake of a remake). In the end, this film fails to entertain--even on an ironic level as the bar it sets is so low, I actually found myself unable to make fun of it because the movie was just THAT pathetic.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

The American

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

The American - 4 out of 5

Never in my life did I think there could be a movie about an assassin that lacked action but then came The American. If you walk into this film expecting an action-fest, you will be sorely disappointed. However, if you walk in expecting an incredibly well made film about an American hitman and the pain and suffering he must endure on his journey to his last mission, you will be pleasantly surprised.

At its heart, this film is a piece of art perfectly crafted with its editing, camera work, music, story and acting. Never have I seen a film so perfectly use so little dialogue and silence to push its story. Due to this technique, and the heavy emphasis on character, when the few action sequences take place, they become more meaningful and momentous to the story. And, on top of it, when you have the incredibly talented George Clooney as the star, you are pretty much guaranteed from the get go that this film will be great. Honestly, I could watch this man eat a bowl of cereal and think he does in well.

The only thing that kept this film from achieving a 5 is that the story is very heavy and that results in a lack of repeated viewing for me. Although I enjoyed the film and really got into the unfolding action of Clooney's character, I just can't find myself being able to pop it in my DVD player again in the near future. Also, and this is an EXTREMELY minor complaint, the film's subtitles are very small and difficult to read. But that really didn't hurt its rating.

Once again, George Clooney proves that he is one of the most talented actors in the world and that he knows what makes a good movie as he seems impervious when picking scripts (we'll all ignore Batman & Robin. He's done enough good films for us all to forgive him for that one.) If you are a fan of well written and made films or a Clooney fan like I am, definitely give The American a shot.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Saw: The Final Chapter

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Saw: The Final Chapter - 2 out of 5

I'm not going to lie, the Saw franchise is a guilty pleasure of mine. I know that's strange because, if you read my reviews, I am very harsh when it comes to horror films and I've openly admitted that I'm not a fan of gore porn due to its lack of quality writing and acting. However, there is a uniqueness to the Saw films (I hesitate to use the word 'charm'). The first film genuinely scared me and the 2nd and 3rd were complete and utter crap. However, 4, 5, and 6 were entertaining to me. They weren't scary and many of the traps made me feel uncomfortable because, let's face it, the death scenes are harsh to watch but they entertained me. The character of Jigsaw is fascinating and the choices he makes his victims chose from are very interesting and thought provoking. So, when it was announced the series was coming to an end with a 3D film, I was intrigued. (Now let's just hope that they decide against rebooting the series like they claim they want to.)

Too bad it turned out to be disappointing.

The entertainment value I saw in the last three films is gone and replacing it is something that looks like a direct-to-DVD SyFy original. Despite the blood and guts, the film's quality is just plain terrible and looks cheap. On top of this, the film fails to bring in a decent lead actor as they turn to the now unrecognizable since his plastic surgery Sean Patrick Flanery--who should, in my opinion, never be allowed to be on film again after the abortion of a film The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day came out. (Yeah I know he didn't write it but he was involved with it as an actor and people must pay for that crime against cinema) Flanery is flat and lifeless as a charlatan trying to make it big off the wave of disorder Jigsaw created. But Flanery's inability to be convincing is paled in comparison to, what I can only describe as the poor man's Christian Bale without the passion; Chad Donella. Watching this guy act is almost like being in one of Jigsaw's traps. Every scene he was in, I was fumbling around to find the tape left by Jigsaw in my place and figure out why I was being put through this torture and how I was suppose to get out.

And then there is the ending. If you've seen the other Saw films, you can pretty much call the ending from the very beginning seconds of the film. Yep, the series has become that formulaic in its 7 movie. However, this is nothing new to the horror film genre.

Other than some unique traps (the opening one is really cool) the film's only real saving grace is the fact that sweet Wesley himself, Cary Elwes returns to reprise his role as Dr. Lawrence Gordon. Sadly, that really is the film's only highlight. Overall, unless you are a fan of the Saw franchise, you have no real reason to watch this movie.

Red

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Red - 4 out of 5

Here's a recipe for a great popcorn action film:

Take one piece badass Bruce Willis, put in a liberal shake of John Malkovich as a paranoid gun nut, stir in a very talented, very attractive atheist; Helen Mirren, a pinch of Karl Urban, a dash of the greatest narrator next to David Attenborough; Morgan Freeman, some of the original Hannibal Lector to spice things up; Brian Cox, a sprinkling of Richard Dreyfuss, simmer with some over-the-top action and hard-rocking music and you have yourself a good time.

Red, based on a comic book series from DC, is just a straight up good time film that won't win any awards but will keep you entertain. The acting is great, the camera work is really good and, despite a couple slow scenes, the film does a good job of keeping your attention and keeping you entertained. The only real complaint for me comes in the form of Mary-Louise Parker but that has to do with the fact that I am just plain not a fan of her. I don't find her convincing at all and find her to be more of a hindrance than asset to any film or show she is involved in. However, the strong performances by everyone around her makes her very easy to ignore. Especially Malkovich. It's clear that he really liked this project because he doesn't seem to be phoning in his role like he's done with many of his projects over the last couple of years.

All in all, Red is a really fun action film that is really good for sitting around--alone or with friends--and just vegging out.

True Blood Season 2

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

True Blood Season 2 - 4 out of 5

After sitting through the extremely mediocre first season about the small city of Bon Temps and their adventures with non-sparkling vampires, I never thought I would say this but the 2nd season was a vast improvement. Many of the complaints I had have been improved...however, not all of them.

The story was far more interesting and engaging than before and much of the really bad acting has also shaped up. However, it still hasn't improved enough to be able to join the greats that HBO continuously puts on TV. Unless some major changes happen, True Blood will go down as the worst show the epic cable network has ever aired.

What needs to be improved?

Much of the writing needs work. Although this season had a better story than the last, this season had a side-story that, while interesting, was ended abruptly and probably should have been its own season. The show also suffers in its writing department when it comes to character development and its own mythology. A couple times this season, new vampire abilities get thrown in haphazardly and feel like the A.D.D. style writing that is usually only seen in a Harry Potter story. However, the writing isn't so bad it takes you out of the show. What DOES take you out of the show is the terrible acting by several actors.

In the previous season, Ryan Kwanten (Jason Stackhouse) was one of the actors who hurt the show because of his inability to be convincing. However, this season made him a large focus and he definitely rose to the challenge. Another pleasant change this season was the change to Rutina Wesley's character. No longer is she the generic, "I'm black and hate all white people" sassy girl but an actual character with depth. However, her acting DIDN'T improve. But one of the biggest changes that NEEDS to happen to this show is either paying for acting lessons or the complete removal of Anna Paquin. Thankfully, she dialed back her over-the-top (annoyingly so) southern belle routine but her inability to deliver a convincing emotion has yet to see any work. Her acting and delivery is so bad, she instantly takes me out of every scene she is in--even when she shares them with the show's best actors: Stephen Moyer (Bill Compton), Sam Trammell (Sam Merlotte) and Alexander Skarsgard (Eric Northman). If this show is going to equal all the other great shows HBO has put on the air, Paquin either needs to work EXTREMELY hard or be replaced. And honestly, she is so bad, I wouldn't mind a new Sookie Stackhouse.

Now, I know I sound scathing in this review but the reality is, I like True Blood. Granted I don't think it's great but I don't find it terrible either. Sure every time a vampire uses their power of extreme speed I laugh because it looks ridiculous but the show is just entertaining enough for me to keep watching and that says a lot because I HATE vampires.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Buried

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Buried - 4 out of 5

One of the most FUCKING INTENSE movies I have ever seen!

That sums up Buried with Ryan Reynolds. Maybe it's because I'm claustrophobic or maybe because the film does such an amazing job of putting you in the place of the character but this movie had my heart racing from beginning to end.

Reynolds plays a contract worker who is kidnapped while working in Iraq and buried underground for a ransom. The premise is simple and so is the terror the film delivers. The entire movie is spent in the wooden coffin and director Rodrigo Cortes does an amazing job of putting the viewer into the shoes of this unfortunate man as the tight camera angles, amazing use of darkness and lighting, tight editing and great music really puts the viewer on edge. But the intensity doesn't stop with the technical aspects of the film, Reynolds really goes all out and is unbelievably convincing and you stop thinking of him as Hal Jordan, Wade Wilson or Van Wilder and you see him as this poor guy doomed to be buried beneath the sand and, in more than one occasion in the film, brought me to the brink of tears over his plight. Even more amazing was Cortes' commentary made about what a man's life is worth to the money-humping large corporations that run the world and put Reynold's character's life on the line to begin with.

And don't get me started on one of the most fantastic endings I've seen in a movie.

Honestly, this film was just plain fantastic and, if I could bring myself to watch it again (my heart is still racing and my palms are still sweaty while I write this review) I would have given this movie a 5 but because the movie was so emotionally heavy and scarier than 99% of the horror films that have ever existed, it will probably be awhile before I watch it again. If you felt crap stranded films like Frozen, Open Water or Thirst are good (they're not, for your information. I'm sorry if you think they are but they're utter crap) watch this film and you'll shit your pants as it delivers thrills and chills that will have you on the edge of your seat.

Devil

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Devil - 1 out of 5

Dear M. Night Shyamalan...please stop writing, producing, or directing films. It is clear that your previous films like The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Signs were all flukes. Bits of lucky gems that were able to get you a career so you were able to provide mediocre entertainment with other films like The Village and Lady in the Water. However, despite your clear decent into mediocrity, you decided to push your luck and you created the nearly cancer-inducing crap films The Happening and The Last Airbender. And, despite the nearly negative Tomato-meter reading you received with the horrible adaptation of the cult-adored Nickelodeon cartoon, you decided to write another crappy film. However, you saved us by not directing it but you didn't save us from this piece of shit called Devil being released on society.

Unlike the fictional character the film is named after (screw you, I'm an atheist and the devil is not real), this film isn't in anyway evil or frightening. I'm more scared of stubbing my toe walking to my bed after I turn off the light at night. Like all of Shyamalan's attempts (his few good movies are not considered attempts) this movie is plagued with his usual cliches that have now become incredibly predictable to the point that I, as a viewer, am far too jaded to get any amount of joy from the film--even ironically as this film is so boring I can't even get the energy to make fun of it. And in case you're wondering, yes there is an extremely disappointed and obvious attempt at a twist at the end.

To make matters worse, this film makes no attempt at having endearing characters or even decent actors to portray them. Every character is a cardboard cut-out there to just take up space. We have the young attractive cop, a black man just trying to make it in life, the attractive bad boy, the young hot girl, the old sassy woman, a pervert yuppie, and a superstitious man who seems crazy but was right all along. Yep, that was them. In fact, I'm not even sure if they even had names.

From the very beginning of this movie, it seems like ShyamaICan'tMakeMoviesAnymore is actually TRYING to get you to forget this film as it is just slapped together haphazardly like everyone from the director to the actors to, and I'm just guessing here, but the Kraft Services people weren't trying. It was like someone threw up on some film and said, "Send this shit out to theaters. People paid to watch that piece of crap Paranormal Activity, they'll pay to see another piece of shit by the idiot who made the 'I see dead people' film." Now here's a pun to end this review...Devil should have been exorcised.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Horror Show (House III)

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

The Horror Show (House III) - 1 out of 5

I'm starting to wonder if I should give up on the horror genre because it seems that 99% of the films within the category is complete and utter, recycled crap. Same scares, same story, same inability to hire decent actors or write a passable script. Yep, The Horror Show is a perfect example of the junk that Hollywood spits out and tries to scare us with.

The Horror Show a.k.a House III doesn't actually have any connection to the House franchise. The movie was meant to be a stand alone horror film but the producers decided to rename it for non-U.S. markets. This act forced the producers of what was SUPPOSE to be the third House movie to rename it to House IV. There, I just gave you a history lesson on a movie that really doesn't deserve this long of a review.

This horror film is your cliche, run-of-the-mill horror film as it focuses on a cop (played by Lance Hendriksen) who catches a serial killer that ultimately gets the chair for his crimes. After his execution, the serial killer (played by Brion James) becomes a pissed off ghost (who wouldn't?) and goes after the cop that arrested him, causing him to question his sanity before he ultimately goes for the cop's family. That's it. That's the story. And what follows is no different than any other haunted house film you've ever seen with a little bit of Freddy Krueger mixed in.

The film is boring and offers no real scares. The acting by Hendriksen and James are passable but every other actor is terrible. The characters are weak (the exception being James this time as Hendriksen is your typical obsessed cop) and topping the list of weak characters is the son in the family. He's actually a topic of amusement as he is supposedly a metal-head rocker but the music you keep hearing him listen to is far from metal and his midriff-bearing T-shirts are DEFINITELY NOT metal. And finally, this film offers up WAY TOO much shirtless Hendriksen. Any movie that has even a little shirtless Hendriksen in it is too much.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Children of the Corn (2009)

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Children of the Corn (2009) - 1 out of 5

Congratulations are in order for the Children of the Corn franchise because, unlike every other horror film series, this one didn't create a single entertaining movie...and they made freakin' 8 of them.

You know you're watching a mediocre Stephen King horror story when it ultimately comes full circle and the original big screen film is remade in an even MORE mediocre film for the smaller screen. Your usual CotC stuff is here (like bad acting and boring story) but this film goes one step further by getting some truly atrocious editing in there as well. The story (which is meant to more closely resemble the short story) features David Anders and Kandyse McClure taking over the roles of Burt and Vicki Stanton from Peter Horton and Linda Hamilton (respectively) who had the roles in the first film. Like Horton and Hamilton, neither Anders or McClure can portray their characters very well but McClure deserves an award for playing the most ANNOYING FUCKING character ever. At the drop of a hat, this woman would flip out and start screaming "rape" and ""abuse" at her husband--and don't get me started on her seemingly mild reactions towards the situations when the shit REALLY hit the fan. Yep, the story about a group of children worshiping He Who Walks Behind the Rows is, in my opinion, the worse thing to ever hit the genre of horror (even worse than that hack writer Kevin Williamson). There isn't enough mind-altering substances in the world that can make these movies entertaining to watch.

Children of the Corn 7: Revelation

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Children of the Corn 7: Revelation - 1 out of 5

The final sequel (hopefully) in the absolutely terrible franchise based on an EXTREMELY weak short story. The usual stuff is here--the same shit we've seen in all the previous films: Bad acting and boring story. Honestly, it's a complete mystery that this, the worst horror film franchise to ever exist, ever made it to number 7. I think it's time that He Who Walks Behind the Rows gives up trying because it's painfully obvious he will never accomplish his goals as weak characters with no real depth are able to take him down over and over and over again. The only real highlight of this film is that, for the first time, it actually introduces nudity to the series. Come on, CotC franchise, nudity is a staple of the horror film genre, why did you wait till number 7 to bring some hot nakedness?!? It isn't a good sign for your movie that 3 minutes of naked breasts is the only thing in an hour and half movie that is worth watching. In fact, in the total amount of time added up from ALL the Children of the Corn movies, those 3 minutes are the ONLY thing worth watching in all of it. And that's sad. Even sadder: I still have to sit through the made-for-TV remake of the original story. Epic sad face.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

It's Garry Shandling's Show Season 4

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

It's Garry Shandling's Show Season 4 - 5 out of 5

The 4th and final season of the groundbreaking comedy show that follows neurotic comedian Garry Shandling in his everyday activities with his friends and family and, the big story this season, Garry finds the girl of his dreams, gets married and even travels to the future to see the family they will start. The usual stuff is here as the show breaks the fourth wall, openly acknowledging both the studio and home audience and delivering the great humor we've seen the previous seasons. Also like the other seasons, great cameo guest stars show up like Dan Aykroyd, Charles Nelson Reilly and Ned Beatty.

There's never been a show like this on TV and there never again will be.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Social Network

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

The Social Network - 4 out of 5

Director of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Fight Club; David Fincher brings us the story of social networking douche bag Mark Zuckerberg to the screen and the birth (and trouble) of Facebook. (By the way, I fully realize that calling Zuckerberg a douche bag and being a Facebooker myself makes me a hypocrite, so don't bother pointing it out.) Fincher's unique and creative eye tells this interesting story in a very compelling and addicting way--to the point you don't want to turn away from the screen. Add in the fact that the creative genius behind Nine Inch Nails; Trent Reznor, does the music and you have yourself a very great film from both a storytelling and technical stand point.

The only real low points of the film is bringing in the poor man's Michael Cera; Jesse Eisenberg to play the D-bag Zuckerberg. Eisenberg plays the role the same way he played his character in Zombieland and he played that character the same way he played his character in Adventureland--only now, he's brought the character into Facebookland. Way to break away there, Eisenberg. Also a low point is when the OTHER internet douche bag Sean Parker (co-creator of Napster) enters the story and he's played by none other than the man who brought sexy back (despite the fact I'm still not completely sure if sexy ever truly left); Justin Timberlake. Like Eisenberg, Timberlake plays the role as we've seen him in his everyday life--a completely self-absorbed, delusional, talentless dickhead. Basically, Timberlake was playing himself.

However, these two low points are INSTANTLY eradicated thanks to the stellar performance of Andrew Garfield (The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus) who portrays Facebook co-creator (and the man who got the royal screw job by the combined powers of Team Douche Bag; Parker and Zuckerberg); Eduardo Saverin. Garfield is amazing in his performance and really steals the movie from all the other stars. By the way Garfield, I can't wait to see you as Spider-man. I already know you'll do better than that hack Tobey Maguire.

Other than the lackluster performances of the dancing queen Timberlake and the pretentious Eisenberg (I actually feel bad for Zuckerberg. I wouldn't want a bad actor to play me in a movie), the film is amazing. With talent like Fincher, Reznor and Garfield behind this movie, it's easy to ignore a former boy band member and limp-wristed zombie killer.

The Town

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

The Town - 4 out of 5

7 years ago, I would have said Ben Affleck's career was dead because of his union with Jennifer Lopez and their unholy creation that was called Gigli but the man has since seemingly got his sanity and his career back.

Affleck takes both the helm and co-stars in this amazing crime genre that follows a group of criminals in Boston, Mass who are hunted by a dedicated F.B.I. agent. What follows is a heart-pounding action crime genre that seems to balance the amount of story and bullets flying through the air perfectly. Add this together with a great visual eye from Affleck, tight editing and great music, you got yourself a fantastic film with a stellar cast.

Jeremy Renner (I'm still upset he didn't win Best Actor for The Hurt Locker) pulls his own right next to Affleck as the 2nd-in-command of this Boston gang. Renner is as good as you expect him to be and he's come a long way since his first role: National Lampoon's Senior Trip. Playing the role of the incredibly cool F.B.I. agent is the man Don Draper himself; Jon Hamm. It's nice to see Hamm's career start to take off, he deserves it. Hey Hollywood, let's have more Jon Hamm and less Sam Worthington please. But if these three weren't enough, Chris Cooper shows up playing Affleck's father and then, to top it off, one of the greatest character actors to ever exists shows up; Pete Postlewaite (Rest In Peace, good sir).

A great cast, amazing story and extremely well put together equals The Town being a must see.

The A-Team

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

The A-Team - 4 out of 5

Over-the-top, action packed and filled with a great cast! That sums up The A-Team in a nutshell. Many of the critics and my friends hate on this film (it only got a 47% on the Tomato-meter on Rotten Tomatoes) but going into the film, I kept in mind that this was just a mindless action popcorn movie and, in doing so, I had a great time watching the movie. A friend of mine even said that this film was 2010's answer to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen however, the lack of Shia LaDoucheBag, Monica Fox, robot testicles and racist robots INSTANTLY made this film 100 times better than that steaming pile from Michael Bay. Sure the film uses movie physics but with a great cast, slick action film editing, and lots of explosions, it's easy to sit back and just have a good time with the film.

Liam Neeson takes the role of Hannibal perfectly and his performance is equally matched by the rest of the team with Bradley Cooper as Face, Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson taking over for Mr. T as B.A. and the immensely talented Sharlto Copley playing Murdock absolutely perfectly. (Please, Sharlto, keep doing movies, you are so entertaining to watch.) But the great cast didn't stop at the team itself as Patrick Wilson (Watchmen) is fantastic as the film's antagonist and even the usually disappointing Jessica Biel is decent enough to not destroy the film. The movie even delivers some icing on the cake as one of my favorite 1960's ad executives makes an uncredited cameo.

Yes, this movie is over the top. No, this movie won't win any awards but that doesn't mean you can't have fun watching it. Not every film has to be The Godfather. Sometimes, it's just good to sit down with a mindless action film to forget the troubles of the day or to just have fun with and The A-Team does this quite well. Just pure fun! I love it when a movie comes together.

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole
- 4 out of 5

I loved this movie and I don't even know where to start in explaining why. Maybe it's because I'm a bit of a bird nerd and think owls are the badasses in the bird kingdom. Maybe it's because the story is great as it's your classic story of good versus evil, sibling verses sibling. A story where the wise old warrior trains the young, idealistic dreamer on finding his place in the world and unlock the noble warrior within. Maybe it's because the animation is some of the most beautiful I've ever seen in an animated movie. From beginning to end, the visuals can bring tears to your eyes. Maybe it's the awesome action sequences that I didn't think were possible when you add the fact that it's owls fighting. Maybe it's the fact that Zach Snyder directed this and I'm a big fan of his work. Or maybe because the voice acting is tremendous. (Two men sum up how awesome the voice acting is: Geoffrey Rush and Hugo "Motherfucking" Weaving.)

More realistically it's all these elements coming together that made this movie for me.

Piranha (2010)

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Piranha (2010) - 4 out of 5

Boobs, blood and pure fun! That's all this movie is.

I love bad films and when a movie is unapologetic with its cheesiness and overall badness, you have me sold in spades and that's what Piranha (a.k.a. Piranha 3-D) promised and they delivered. The movie is just fun and doesn't take itself too seriously and, if you understand that going in, you'll have a great time watching it. Even without the gimmick of 3-D, this movie is still great (considering the 3-D wasn't that good--yes, I saw it in the theater, too).

But the fun doesn't just come from the gratuitous tits from the spring breakers (some of which were known porn stars like Riley Steele and Gianna Michaels--yes, I know who they are, hater) or even the gruesome deaths. A great cast really helps make this movie entertaining as we see great cameos by the likes of Richard Dreyfuss and--GREAT SCOTT--Christopher Lloyd. But when your main cast has Ving Rhames doing his thing and Jerry O'Connell making fun of the douche bag who made Girls Gone Wild, you have yourself one damn entertaining movie. And even more surprising was the fact that the film was, from a technical standpoint, really well made. The special effects are decent and the camera work and editing is spot on.

Okay, Piranha isn't a movie that will win an Academy Award. The writing is simple and straight forward, the characters aren't complex but the film knows this and, as long as you don't expect Citizen Kane with piranhas walking in and just sit back with a tub of popcorn, you can have a lot of fun watching this gorefest. I know I did!

Children of the Corn 666: Issac's Return

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Children of the Corn 666: Issac's Return - 1 out of 5

In 1999, Children of the Corn returned for another (direct to video) installment of it's absolutely GOD AWFUL series and this time, it was so chock full of evil (and it was the 6th movie) that it deserved the title 666. Did I say deserve? Because it didn't. The only thing evil about this movie (and the series) is the fact they keep getting away with releasing EXTREMELY boring additions. And this addition is just as boring as the others--except in this one, John Franklin returns to portray Issac who, despite being possessed, stabbed and burned (and, if I remember correctly, blown up) in the first film. This is a milestone for the franchise as it introduces the only time a character returns from a previous film. That, sadly, is the only interesting thing about this movie. Other than that, it continues to be the same crap. Boring and dragging story, terrible acting and a sense of wonder that comes when you stop and think about HOW ON EARTH these movies were greenlit to be made in the first place. It's also amusing to see how late to the game this franchise was with the grudge era as every kid in the city seems to be a reject from Nirvana's "Smells like Teen Spirit" video. Also interesting is the fact that Gatlin doesn't seem to have any paved streets as every time we see people drive, it's down a dirt road going between cornfields. I seem to remember an actual city in the first one but hey, it's a crappy direct to video horror film, right?

What else can I say about this piece of crap? Oh, it seems Stacy Keach (Titus) needed a paycheck because he appears in this film and doesn't seem to be trying. But other than that, the CotC series continues to hold up the level of crap that it has with the other films.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Omen IV: The Awakening

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Omen IV: The Awakening - 1 out of 5

If you make a horror film, you have about a 75-80% chance that it will turn into a franchise and one fact about horror film franchises is that with each sequel, the quality MUST exponentially get lower. And that is certainly the case the The Omen franchise. The first was is a classic piece of work that is thrilling and exciting at the same time. Everyone after that gets weaker and weaker and Omen IV: The Awakening is about as bad as a horror film can get.

First off, this one was a made-for-TV movie that was SUPPOSE to breathe new life into the series but ultimately became the series' death moan as its lacked a decent story and it was more laughable than scary with it's terribly pacing (this movie moves ridiculously fast as Delia, the child of Damien who, of course, was the son of Satan and the Anti-Christ, ages quite rapidly in the first half hour of the movie and racks up the body count in incredibly boring ways) weak practical effects (a very obvious dummy is used in one death), flat, lifeless characters (seriously, each character was just a name and the film did nothing to develop them) and terrible, ATROCIOUS acting.

If you love the first film, don't bother with ANY of the sequels or the lackluster remake. Instead, just pop in the amazing Richard Donner original and forget that any of the other films were ever made. Now, I shall breathe a sigh of relief now that I'm finished with this franchise.

Metalocalypse Season 3

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Metalocalypse Season 3 - 5 out of 5

The most brutal cartoon to ever air on television and my favorite cartoon on Adult Swim. The greatest death metal band Dethklok returns for another season and shows why they are the seventh largest economy to ever exist (at least in the cartoon world).

Like the previous season, Season 3 continues the quality of killer music, fantastic animation, top notch voice acting and absolutely hilarious and addictive writing. Also, just like the previous two seasons, this seasons builds up from the previous episodes in both story and quality. The main story arc that involves the sinister Tribunal who's out for Dethklok's demise and continues to whet the appetites of the viewers with teases of who--and what--exactly is Mr. Selatcia and what is his new connection with the band's manager Charles Foster Offdensen which arose after the season finale from Season 2. This larger emphasis on Charles this season was, in my opinion, definitely one of the highlights this collection brought.

Like I previously mentioned, the music this season seemed to grow even more epic than it was before. One of the things that draws me to this show and cemented it as my favorite Adult Swim program was Dethklok's music. While it is slightly satirical in nature, it is still really well written and Dethklok's tunes can melt your face with their brutality. This season, co-creator of the show and writer of all the music; Brendon Small, really knocked it out of the park as the show expanded out past death metal and introduced more genres. While previous seasons saw satirical takes on other genres, this season puts more of an emphasis on this as they rip on the now dead fad of rap/rock (like Korn, Papa Roach and Linkin Park) and they even did an entire Rock Opera where Pickles the drummer goes to rehab. These two episodes alone are perfect examples of the quality you get from Metalocalypse. And just like the last two seasons, this run ends with a tremendously epic finale that gives the viewer a destructive concert AND closure that gives just enough answers but tosses you twice as many questions in order to bring you crawling back craving for more when the next season hits.

Metalocalypse is, without a doubt, one of the best programs on TV right now as it is entertaining on several levels. The stories are both addicting and funny and the music is so monstrous that it threatens to leap out of the TV and punch you in the face.

Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror - 1 out of 5

Another sequel in a terrible franchise based on a horrible short story. The level of suckage is as high as the previous films as, once again (despite his many failed attempts), He Who Walks Behind the Rows attempts to use children to unleash his demonic presence unto the world. Like the previous films, the acting sucks (by the way, this was Eva Mendes' first movie), the story is lame and weak and the special effects are what you would expect from a direct to video film. Unlike the other films however, this one attempts to bring in some dark humor elements. However, this is only done once and at the beginning of the film. It was like the director said, "Alright, let's throw in a terrible joke...wait, that just made an already crummy movie even crummier. Never mind, let's not do that again."

It's a testament to the incredible waste of money that goes towards movies that this movie even exists because not a single film in this franchise is even remotely watchable. But this revelation gets even more disturbing when you remember there are still more to come. My time reviewing the Children of the Corn series is far from over. Damn you Stephen King for writing the story that started this abortion of a film franchise.

2 Fast 2 Furious

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

2 Fast 2 Furious - 1 out of 5

Where do I start when review what was, until The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day came out, the most unnecessary sequel to EVER exist? Do I talk about the lack of story? Do I talk about how Paul Walker is extremely unconvincing and tries to act like a suburban gansta or the fact that Tyrese Gibson seems to be TRYING to outdo Walker in the bad acting department? Or how about Ludacris once again proves that rappers must NOT be allowed to act because only a certain few can do it? Or the fact that this movie introduces fictitious grappling hook weapons that somehow can deactivate cars when they impale themselves into the hood? Or how about the fact that ALL the cops in this movie are incapable of driving without crashing at even the slowest speeds? Or how about the horrible CG car race sequences? I don't know.

Whenever I watch a movie, I try to find something good in it so my reviews aren't me just straight up trashing the film. So, here I go.

This movie has a lot of hot women in it and there are cars that go really fast. That's the only redeeming qualities of this movie.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Collector

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

The Collector - 1 out of 5

I'm not a fan of gore porn. It's not that I have a weak stomach and can't deal with the blood and guts but rather because 99% of them have terrible acting and weak stories that only exist to string together the scenes of death and destruction. Occasionally, there are a few I enjoy. For example, the Saw series is a guilty pleasure of mine. The first one was solid and most of the sequels are pure, uncut crap but Jigsaw is an enjoyable character and they're so damn over the top that they are fun to watch. So, you think that I would have found a minor amount of joy watching a film that was written by some of the dudes who wrote the sequels to that franchise. However, after watching this movie, I want to erase my memory because the experience was pure torture.

Here's the synopsis: A cat burglar (played by Josh Stewart) decides to rob a family he's doing some work for in order to pay off the debts his girlfriend has with a loan shark but when he arrives at the house, he finds the family held captive by a random dude called The Collector who has set up traps around the house. First off, WTF?!? The guys who wrote Saw sequels are doing a movie with traps?!? Come on, guys, write outside your safe-zone and do something original. But the WTF's don't stop there because the question has to be asked: Why the fuck did The Collector litter the house with traps when he already had the entire family captive? But this question just opens more questions like when the hell did this guy have the time to set up these traps because they are ridiculously complicated and intricate? If the movie is to be believed, The Collector would have only had a window of 3 to 4 hours to put all these traps together and there are a lot of fucking traps. And the character of The Collector itself is a giant mystery. For example, he wears a mask. WHY? It's clear from the film he's going to kill this family so them knowing his identity isn't that important. However, there is the chance one could get away but The Collector wears this elaborate (most likely custom made) leather mask that fits perfectly to his face. Why would he spend all that money to make this mask when he could have easily gone to Wal-mart and bought a cheap ski mask? The film further asks you to push the envelope of disbelief as The Collector can take some asskicking that is capable of killing others without taking a scratch. But, then again, that is something ALL horror films ask us to ignore.

And I don't know if you caught it but nowhere do I mention the existence of a protagonist in this film. In fact, this movie gives us a whole host of victims and two antagonists. The only difference between the two antagonists is the filmmakers want us to like the cat burglar one more than The Collector. However, when you cast a poor man's Ed Norton who looks like he's suffering from some debilitating disease or possible drug addiction, it's hard to cheer him on to victory. Even the trouble the character's girlfriend and the threat of him not seeing his child again isn't enough to make me care about this dude.

In the end, this movie is a complete waste of time and never should have been made. The fact that a sequel will be coming out this year makes me weep as, despite the fact it didn't make ANY money at the box office, we are going to see a franchise to, quite possibly, the weakest horror film character to EVER EXIST.

Greenberg

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Greenberg - 3 out of 5

A recent trend in movies (and in some TV) is making the main protagonist of your piece of work completely unlikeable in nearly every way. Greenberg takes this formula and intermixes it with your cliche, run-of-the-mill indie film storyline. You know what I'm talking about...socially awkward individuals who are so unique that they are EXACTLY like all the other extremely unique people and instantly stop being unique and they kinda know, kinda don't know what they want from their life--that's is until someone just as awkward as they are comes into their life and they suddenly know what they want from their futures that were, until this point, a complete mystery to them. Oh, and we can't forget the OVER-EMPHASIS on music like EVERY FUCKING INDEPENDENT MOVIE TO EVER EXIST! (However, the emphasis on the indie rock isn't to the point it becomes annoying like other movies.) This universal indie storyline comes in the form of Ben Stiller playing Roger Greenberg. Roger moves to L.A. to housesit for his brother and he falls in love with his brother's assistant (played by Greta Gerwig). A rollercoaster of emotion follows as they try to figure out what their relationship is. There is also a B-story that involves Roger's relationship with his best friend played by the extremely underrated Rhys Ifans. However, this sidestory has a very lackluster closure.

Now, I know it sounds like I am being harsh with this film right out of the gate but I didn't really hate this movie. I wasn't blown away by it either and it did take awhile for me to truly get into it because it tends to move slow (another aspect always found in indie movies). All the actors deliver their roles well and the story is something I sure EVERYONE can relate to because, at the end of it all, relationships are fucking hard. There are even some great, very witty funny moments thrown in here and there and even though the B-story didn't have a very good resolution, the end of this film was very sweet and uplifting--a very noticeable contrast to an otherwise bleak movie.

All in all, the movie was a pretty decent film to sit through however, the heavy emotions in the story, a lackluster conclusion to one of the films' stories and a slightly dragging narrative that only gets interesting after a half and hour or so hurts this film from ever getting a second viewing from me. While I enjoyed the movie and felt it was really well made, the chances of me ever sitting through it again are very slim. And the lack of repeat viewing has stopped me from giving this a four and has me settling for a 3.

Noises Off

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Noises Off - 5 out of 5

A terrific little gem that I never knew existed until a friend of mine turned me onto it. Wonderfully writing and witty with an all star cast that consists of the likes of Carol Burnett, Michael Caine, Denholm Elliott (RIP), Julie Hagerty, Marilu Henner, Christopher Reeve (RIP), John Ritter (RIP) and Nicollette Sheridan--to name just a few. All of these actors come together, portraying unbelievably funny characters in chaotic and hectic scenes that throws the comedy at you rapid-fire. Brilliantly choreographed scenes that seem like a mixture of a wild dance or a perfected Rube Goldberg device play out before your eyes as the story of a small theater group attempt to juggle their personal lives and get the story right on the play that they are performing. These scenes are long and offer up little cuts as each actor dances around the scene hitting their marks perfectly and, in more than one occasion, caused my jaw to drop in amazement over the mastery of it all. All-in-all and flat out, this movie is just brilliant in its delivery and is one HELL of an entertaining movie.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I'm Still Here

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

I'm Still Here
- 1 out of 5

In 2008, Joaquin Phoenix decided to pull an Andy Kaufman like stunt on the world and say he was going to quit acting and become a rapper, all the while Casey Affleck filmed the whole debacle for a documentary. The problem with this is that not a single fucking person in the world believed that this act was legit. When Kaufman trolled the world and the media, he was so convincing, he fooled them all. Joaquin's act was so devoid of sincerity, we all saw through the bullshit right away.

So, what did Joaquin and Casey's two years of "hard" work earn them? An hour and forty-five minute mockumentary that will bore the piss out of you. Alright, guys, I get it. You were trying to make commentary on how the media and the public treat celebrities but instead, what you created was a ungodly boring and utter piece of crap that isn't worth the plastic disc it was put on. The mockumentary wanders aimlessly, meandering like a blind man as it fails to entertain and captivate the audience. It was so bad, I had to fight to turn off the movie--it became a chore just to see it to the end. Ever fiber of my body wanted to get out of my recliner, walk over to my computer and check out what my friends were doing on Facebook or see what's going on at Reddit. Hell, I wanted to get up and clean my bathroom just to escape the torment that was this waste of time.

After the horror was over, all I could think of was how bad I felt for Casey Affleck nearly bankrupting himself to produce this piece of shit and that he needs to stick to his skills of being an actor (he is, after all, an amazing actor). I also realized that despite how much I USE to enjoy Joaquin Phoenix, I no longer want to see him on any TV screen, movie screen or even a computer screen. This may sound harsh but after watching this, I realized I want Phoenix to lose all his money, move to the mid-west and get a job at McDonalds making french fries as his name fades away into obscurity.

Honestly, if you choose to watch this, do so at your own risk. I highly suggest you get very drunk, smoke some weed, shoot up heroin or do any other kind of viewing enhancing drug because if you don't you'll be reaching for either the remote to turn this shit off or a razor to permanently end your torture.

Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam - 5 out of 5

After the disappointment that was Superman/Batman: Apocalypse, DC returns to deliver 4 animated shorts and return themselves to the glory with incredible action, fantastic voice acting and superior animation.

The film begins with the origin of Captain Marvel as the young Billy Batson discovers he is Earth's Mightiest Mortal and teams with Superman in order to stop the power crazed Black Adam. We then get to see The Spectre tear it up as he tries to uncover the culprits behind the murder of a film executive. This is followed by a short about one of the coolest, and most underrated, members of The Justice League; Green Arrow. Our arrow slinging hero is thrown into saving a young queen from would-be assassins at an airport lead by the evil Vertigo. Finally, the film closes with a short about the dead-eye gun slinger with a face that only a mother could love; Jonah Hex.

While the shorts about Hex, Green Arrow and The Spectre have all been released on other DC animated DVD's, they are here in all extended version glory. Each of these animated shorts offer up great animation--especially in The Spectre one as they make it look like a grindhouse feature filled with scratches and burn marks on the film. Also, because of their short lengths, these shorts are filled--over flowing even--with hardcore, not for the weak of constitution action. Seriously, they do NOT shy away from the violence on this one--especially in The Spectre one. Speaking of which, why haven't we had a movie of The Spectre? Or Green Arrow for that matter? Both are awesome characters.

This DVD collection of short films is a great addition to the already stellar franchise of animated movies that DC pumps out and proves why they simply destroy Marvel in the animated film department.

Dinner for Schmucks

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Dinner for Schmucks - 4 out of 5

Funny, charming, sweet...all these adjectives come to mind when finished watching Dinner for Schmucks.

Sure the movie has a moral we've seen before but the moral's a good one. We live in a society where our interests seem to determine our wealth as a person and a movie that says that variety is the spice of life and the people we believe to be "schmucks" because they aren't financial successful or, in my case, like D&D and Star Wars are just different and that's good. But you take this moral and add in the director of Meet the Parents and the Austin Powers series (Jay Roach) and throw in some great humor from a stellar cast, you have a genuinely fun movie to spend the evening with.

Like I stated, the cast is awesome. Steve Carrell is as charming as ever and once again proves he is an epic star and seeing him playing along side Paul Rudd again was fantastic as these two play off each other very well and create some very entertaining scenes. Two other highlights come from the ALWAYS funny Zach Galifianakis (The Hangover) and the unbelievably talented Jemaine Clement (Flight of the Conchords) who plays the hysterical artist Kieran and has some of the best lines in the entire film. But the amazing cast doesn't stop at these four. Star of one of my favorite BBC sitcoms, The IT Crowd; Chris O'Dowd plays an extremely memorable character as a blind swordsman, Jeff Dunham stars as one of the schmucks as--wait for it--a ventriloquist and Flight of the Conchords alumni, Kristen Schaal, steps in with a small but humorous role. Oh, and I can't forget the great performances from the straight guys: Bruce Greenwood (Star Trek), Ron Livingston (Office Space) and Larry Wilmore (The Office). All these actors, portraying FANTASTIC characters come together to really balance out the humor in this film.

All in all, Dinner for Schmucks is a delightfully entertaining movie that offers several forms of comedy in one movie: Wit, word play, misunderstanding, blue--the list goes on and on. Just pure fun.

Max Headroom: The Complete Series

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Max Headroom: The Complete Series - 4 out of 5

It's been a long time since I've watched this ground-breaking cyberpunk show about television reporter Edison Carter who was involved in a accident that, through a series of events, put a digital copy of his memories and personality into a computer and ended becoming Max Headroom. After revisiting it after all these years, I was shocked to discover how truly ahead of its time it really was. The commentary made about the media, obsession over television, advertising, and even religion was nearly dead-on as many of the comments it made on these subjects have come true in one way, shape or form.

The acting is great, the stories are interesting and despite the fact that the special effects were limited due to the time period, the future they showcase is something that I have no doubt could possibly come true. The future, if you can look past that it was the 80's prediction of what the future was, you'll notice that a lot of the stuff going on in the show is happening now. For example, the show has a heavy emphasis on society's obsession with television that, in one episode, a housing complex collapses and people are scrounging to save their TV's. Tell me that wouldn't happen nowadays with people's obsessions with HDTV's and plasma screens. Hell, I don't even own a nice TV but if I did, I would be tempted to save it from a house fire.

The show also discusses censorship and a network's control over society as, in the series, elections are handled by television networks and the network executives control what they want their viewers to see and/or believe. Sounds a bit like Fox, eh? Like I said, the show's predictions of the future were disturbingly accurate.

I've always been a fan of the character of Max Headroom and, more importantly, the character actor Matt Frewer who pulls double duty playing both Headroom and Carter. So, I was slightly disappointed that Frewer was mysteriously absent from the special features on the DVD. I would have loved to hear what he had to say about the iconic character of Max. But despite his absence, this DVD set still has all the episodes from the two seasons this show ran (and was, unfortunately, canceled due to idiots watching crap like Dallas and Miami Vice) so lackluster special features aren't really that detrimental. If you were a product of the 80's, know who Max Headroom is or really enjoy futuristic dystopia fiction, check this show out.

Fringe Season 1

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Fringe Season 1 - 3 out of 5

I think congratulations are in order for J.J. Abrams for creating yet another mediocre television show. However, unlike his previous shows, this one doesn't start out fantastic and crash lands quickly into the land of mediocrity, instead it starts out mediocre and continues on that track for the entire first season.

The story is, at its core, an X-Files rip off. It deals with fringe science and the paranormal. Mad Scientist Dr. Walter Bishop was involved in some serious screwed up shit and it's up to him, his son Peter Bishop (who, not shockingly at all, has a tough relationship with) and an F.B.I. agent, Olivia Dunham, to solve the problems his research has caused. Nearly every episodes follows the same formula as each episode contains (mostly) a close ended story that does little to expand on the overall story arc of Walter and Peter's relationship or Walter's mysterious past and the connection they seemingly have to Olivia. Now, I know it sounds like I'm being hard on the show but the self-contained stories are just entertaining enough that the show is interesting and the fact that the character of Walter is FUCKING EPIC enough that the fact the show's overall mythology is poorly written is forgivable. Even trying to watch the show and forget that Joshua Jackson was on Dawson Creek and a Tiger Beat alumni and the fact his character is one of those generic TV bad boys who seemingly trims his face so he has a permanent five o'clock shadow and he talks in slang and lingo that NO ONE else in the world uses (which I guess is suppose to show how cool he is) is something I can forgive. Even though he is basically a carbon copy of Sawyer from J.J. Abrams other mediocre show, Lost.

However, the one sin this show delivers that I cannot forgive and hurts the score I gave it, was the fact that Anna Torv, who plays Agent Olivia Dunham, is such a god awful actress that she instantly takes me out of the show whenever she's in a scene. Her performance is wooden and the only emotions she EVER shows is complete disinterest (which she uses when thoughtful and happy) and a look of dismay that is so intense, you would think her face would crack in two (she also uses this face when mad, so her emotions make no sense). Her inability to be convincing in her face is so bad, it seems the writers intentionally put in dialogue from the supporting cast that flat out TELL the audience what she is feeling. Her acting is so bad, that every time she is on screen, I find myself asking, "Was she the best audition for this role? I would hate to see those who didn't make the cut."

Other than terrible acting, some lackluster writing and the fact the show steals a lot of its stories from The X-Files, Fringe is an entertaining enough show with enough promise that I will continue to watch.