Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Tekken

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Tekken - 1 out of 5

I've never been a fan of fighting games. I'm am plain just not good at them. I always found myself just button mashing and hoping that I will somehow pull off a "GET OVER HERE!" So, needless to say, I never really played the game Tekken or its sequels but when I heard it was made into a movie, my mind raced back to the hilarity I endured while watching Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Street Fighter and D.O.A.: Dead or Alive and I instantly realized I had to watch this movie. However, by the time the credits ran, I heard the voice of Shang Tsung telling me to "Finish Him!" I assume Tsung was talking about the DVD but since I rented it from Redbox, I wasn't about to destroy it and have to pay for the damages.

"High Five."

In the not too distant future, all governments are gone and the world is run by corporations (is that really in the not too distant future?). In this wild and crazy future, the unwashed masses are addicted to a television show called Iron Fist (No, not the character from Marvel comics). Well, this little show is a tournament when oily dudes battle it out in an arena--not unlike the Octagon in the UFC, only there's less rednecks in the crowd. Among the madness of a government-less world, a young man named Jin losses his mother when a raid occurs in the slums. Grief-stricken and angry, he works to get in the tournament and pummel out his rage with his fists.

If Uwe Boll directed Tekken, Roger Jr. would have been in it.

Being that this film was based on a video game and didn't receive national release in the States, I was hoping that this movie would be a cheese-fest for me to laugh at but it turns out, it was just boring. When the sequences of the film enter the arena, the film starts to take a Uwe Boll turn and the rotten stench of movie cheese starts to appear in the air but these sequences are so short, the curds barely has time to settle. I can't believe I'm saying this but I wished Uwe Boll directed this just so I could have enjoyed myself and laugh my ass off. And to make matters worse, the film was directed by the guy who made Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid and Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. How did this movie not end up being a stinky piece of crap to laugh at?

"Finish him--oops, wrong role."

The disappointment I suffered at the hands of Tekken is truly unique and all its own. Going into the film, I wanted a movie that looked and felt like the 2nd Mortal Kombat film. The kind of movie that is so bad that you know, through some miracle of ignorance, there were actual people involved in the making process that either thought it was great or that people would actual swallow the giant turd they just fashioned and unleashed on viewing audiences. Instead, what I got was a slow movie snore-fest that seemed to take itself too seriously but then would put crap like this into it...

"The skimpy outfits help us fight better."


I know it's strange to sit down and find out that I actually wanted a cheesy bad movie but I love bad movies and, let's face it, some video game adaptations can't become decent films even if you had a team of the most talented filmmakers working on it.

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