Monday, June 6, 2011

Bear

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Bear - 1 out of 5

Can your heart handle the heart-bouncing action that is Bear? Can your eyes bear (hee-hee) witness to the carnage? Can your mind comprehend the gravity of a bear dead set on revenge after its mate is gun downed by four humans?

Yes, that is the actual story--a bear out for revenge after some people kill its mate. But the story isn't the worst part. The worst part is the fact the bear they used is the best actor out of everyone in the film. He was believable as a bear but the human actors weren't convincing at all--I'm 90% sure they weren't humans. Now, I'm sure these characters had names--they had to have had them--but they were so one dimensional and poorly written, they only come off as terrible cliches. We had Young Naive Little Brother Who Wants To Be A Rock Star with his Sex Kitten Addict Of A Girlfriend. Hanging out with these two is the combination of Older Pretentious Brother and his Prim And Proper Girlfriend. When you have these terrible characters plastered on your screen and with terrible acting to boot, you quickly find yourself cheering the bear on to kill them off--and kill them off quickly.

In reality, this movie could have only been twenty minutes long as you could have the characters get their flat tire, piss off the big bad grizzly and then have they killed in a quick succession. However, you can't have that in the movie world, so the filmmakers decided to pan the film out with background story for our characters and drama for them to tackle before they become a meal for our friend the bear. However, it's clear the man who wrote the script didn't follow the old writing adage of show, don't tell. Instead, this movie decides to tell and not show as we get nearly an hour of dialogue of these people explaining their problems to each other in boring detail. Not only does this turn your supposed horror film into a soap opera, it also showcases the terrible writing like it's being glowed by a thousand spotlights. Now, a certain assumption is taken in this film when it starts and that is the viewer would assume that these characters already know each other very well because two of them are brothers--HOWEVER, they talk to each other like they've never met and it sounds like they are describing their problems to total strangers. And you have to deal with this horribly unrealistic dialogue throughout the entire film--and it's only broken up during the short sequences where the bear wanders into the scene to either kill or psychologically torture the murders of his bear lover.

When I first found this film on Netflix, I read the synopsis and it said the the movie is, and I'm quoting, "Full of convincing action scenes, this gripping survival thriller features real-life bears instead of computer-generated effects." First off, none of the action scenes are convincing but I'm sure they meant to say "laughable action scenes." You have to laugh at the action scenes because they are so bad, they can make you vomit food you haven't eaten yet. That's right, they are so unconvincing and terribly put together that they can actually open a wormhole in your stomach, pull in food you will eat at some point in the future and your body will toss this time traveling food out your word hole. But the action sequences aren't the only thing that can make you sick.

I, to be honest, actually got queasy watching this film--not because of how bad the story or acting was but rather the camera work and editing that can only be described as substandard by something that is already substandard. The camera is constantly--CONSTANTLY--shaking and not in your big budget "shaky-cam" way but in a way I started to wonder if the camera was operated by someone who was in the early stages of Parkinson's Disease or just couldn't handle the weight of the camera. And, let me offer this advice, whenever there is a pan or zoom DO NOT stand up after seeing it. Let your equilibrium balance itself out because the shaking is at its worst and I feared the cameraman had a seizure when attempting these moves.

Now I know I'm being harsh on this film but it deserves it. It's THAT bad. However, there are two things that may warrant an accidental viewing of this film. First off, watching the spectacle that the actor who plays
Young Naive Little Brother Who Wants To Be A Rock Star believe what crying sounds like is quite amusing to watch but the one thing that really makes this piece of crap worthy to sit through is the way they created their supposed "convincing action sequences." They sell the fact that there was no CGI used but rather a real bear...and a guy in a bear costume. I'm not lying, they literally used a guy in a bear costume (and at one point, you can actually see him in the background where he wasn't suppose to be and you learn he wears glasses). And these scenes where the guy in the suit is so obvious, it actually pays the rental fee for itself. However, the rest of the film is so bad that you can't even justify the one dollar it cost to get it from Redbox. If you do want to see this (for the guy in the bear suit, right?) don't rent it, don't even think of buying it and it's not worth illegally downloading it from a torrent. Instead, just come across it by accident. Wait for the unfortunate sap who bought it to toss it out of their window in a fit of rage or wait till SyFy starts showing it because this is a movie that's just not worth seeking out or paying money for. If you pay for this, you might as well pay someone to poke you in the eye--it'll actually be less painful than watching Bear.

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