Sunday, May 29, 2011

House by the Cemetery

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

House by the Cemetery - 1 out of 5

Lucio Fulci's final film in his unofficial Gates of Hell trilogy and, hopefully, the last Fulci film I ever subject myself to. Only one word can describe this film about a house (by a cemetery--hence the creative title) that has some, in typical horror film fashion, dark shit going on and that word is "boring."

Nothing really happens that could keep my interest other than the usual calamities that haunt Fulci's films. That being a weak story and a non-existence plot, lifeless characters with no depth, horrible acting, terrible editing and sound and bad make-up effects. The problem is that all these problems are bad on a level that it couldn't be funny, unlike that last film in this trilogy-that's-not-really-a-trilogy; The Beyond. However, one thing was amusing about this film and that was the fact that the movie is about a man who needs fresh human bodies in order to keep his unholy self alive and kicking (despite the fact he doesn't seem to leave the cellar of the house--which is something you think the relator would have noticed when she put the house on the market and sold it to the boring couple who bought it). The funny thing is (and funny because it shows the writers' lack of creativity) that they named this character Dr. Freudstein. That's about as subtle as naming a difficulty obtained mineral "unobtainium." Only an idiot would so blatantly show their lack of creativity. (Please note the sarcasm because James Cameron was stupid enough to not only call the mineral unobtanium but he also stole his story from not one, but three movies!).

Finally, if I was forced to come up with one other thing about this movie that is a positive is that it actually had something mildly frightening in it--unlike Fulci's other films. And that aspect would be a child who I could only describe as the Aryan Nation's answer to Chucky. Other than that, House by the Cemetery proved to me that it was no different than the other cult films that Lucio Fulci made: complete and utterly boring crap that focuses too much on gore (that doesn't even look real) rather than setting, narrative and character. But then again, horror film fanboys don't really look for that--at least that's the only reason I can come up with that will explain why shit films like Paranormal Activity actual make money and, even more mysteriously, scare people.

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