Thursday, April 7, 2011

Vampirella

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Vampirella - 2 out of 5

"Thirsty for Justice, she'll settle for blood."

With a tagline like that, you know you're in for a genuine piece of crap but when you have it produced by the god of craptastic movies; Roger Corman, you know this movie is going to be entertaining for all the wrong reasons!

If you're young and have become spoiled by film-adaptations of comic book properties like The Dark Knight, Iron Man and 300, you may not realize this but there was a time when comic book-themed movies weren't taken seriously and they were all just gigantic pieces of shit. Vampirella was produced during this time (1996). Now, I'll be honest, I never read a single issue of the sexy vampire's comic book--in fact, I never realized she actually had a comic book. I always thought she was just a collection of pictures of a female vampire in red lingerie with long-flowing black hair and ENORMOUS breasts (of course, 99% of all female comic book characters have ridiculous sized breasts). How wrong I was because apparently her story involves vampires being from a distant planet where blood literally flows like water as the planet has rivers of blood.

Well, the movie adaptation sees a super evil vampire named Vlad making a run for Earth and Vampirella, many centuries later, arrives to stop him as she teams up with a organization of vampire hunters. Right off the bat, with a story like this, you know this movie is going to be so bad, that it is unintentionally hilarious...and it is! The acting is just plain terrible but what do you expect from a direct-to-video movie? But the acting aside, what really makes this film REALLY funny is the comparison between the amble drawings of the comic's counterpart and the live-action manifestation of the female vamp. In the comic, Vampirella is quite buxom as she runs around in a red outfight that can only be described as "barely there" and what we received in the film is Talisa Soto (Mortal Kombat). Soto doesn't fill the costume out very well and actually looks quite silly as the filmmakers decided to put her in an outfight made of vinyl, complete with granny panties. Not very sexy. This isn't very good since the film's target audience is a bunch of horny dudes out for some T with aside of A. Come on, be honest Vampirella fanboys, you don't read her comic for the story.

What's truly heartbreaking about this movie, however, is the fact that The Who's frontman; Roger Daltrey plays the bad guy, Vlad. Why is he in this film? I'm guessing he needed some cash.

Alright, so Vampirella is a steaming pile of crap BUT it's a hilarious steaming pile of crap. The movie will reward you with a couple of glimpses at some boobage as a way to apologize for the very un-sexy female lead in the EXTREMELY unflattering costume but a couple of boobs doesn't make this movie worth hunting down and viewing. The fact it is so bad with its story, acting and just about everything else makes this a night of pure ironic joy to watch. But at least none of the vampires are sparkling here.

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