Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Worst Horror Film Ever Made: The Re-Make

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

The Worst Horror Film Ever Made: The Re-Make - 1 out of 5

It's a fact that you can have a great movie and remake it into a piece of shit. We see it every year but is it possible to have an already shitty movie (a movie that could possibly be the worst thing ever committed to film and those involved should be either imprisoned or jettisoned into the sun for making it) and then remake it into something EVEN WORSE? Well, it turns out that is completely possible as a no talent director returns to remake his aptly titled The Worst Horror Film Ever Made.

Now, I'm not one to judge a book by its cover and I'll never judge a film by its title (even though once a man who calls himself a writer told me that most important part of a movie or story is its title) but this film delivers what the title claims--actually, the film should have been originally called The Worst Film Ever Made. Period. This movie is so bad, there is the real threat that this film could give you a terminal disease or, at the very least, brain damage. There isn't a person in the world that could handle the amount of illegal, mind-altering substances that can make one actually find some enjoyment from this film.

The acting is so bad, I don't have the time to fill this review with the adjectives needed to describe it. The story and plot are completely non-existence and the sheer fact this film exists is almost enough for a person to give up on society all together. This film is so bad, the filmmaker actually offers up a warning at the beginning of the film claiming that all the errors in this movie were intentional (yeah, like I believe it) and, even worse, the warning defends the use of offensive humor used in the movie. What's more offensive is calling it humor to begin with because none of the jokes were funny. In fact, when you boil it down, this movie is just two hours (YEAH, it's two hours long!) of small dick jokes, gay jokes and Muslim jokes. That's it. I have no problem with offensive humor--AS LONG AS IT'S ACTUALLY HUMOR! What is thrown up on this DVD isn't a joke. I was more offended by the fact that they claimed that the film had jokes in it. Where was your warning label for that?

Without a doubt, this film never should have been made. In fact, the original never should have been made. Actually, all those involved never should have been conceived and allowed to come to term because this film isn't only a crime and an insult to filmmakers everywhere (even to those I hate), but a slap to the face to our collective intelligence, to society as a whole and to technology itself (the computers used to edit this film and the cameras used to film it should feel raped for being forced into this). This film is so bad, I would rather spend the rest of my life watching only James Cameron's Avatar than to ever have to revisit a single second of this movie.

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