***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!
Machete - 2 out of 5
This film promises boobs, blood and action but delivers a surprisingly boring film. But is that really a surprise when it was made by Robert Rodriguez? Let's face it, the guy is not a good filmmaker and this movie only serves as further proof that he is incapable of making an entertaining film without Quentin Tarantino there to hold his hand and show him how to make a proper movie.
This film, from beginning to end, is just plain sloppy. The editing is some of the worst I've ever seen (this would be forgivable if it was Grindhouse but it's not, show some effort) and the acting is just downright painful. How painful? Two words: Lindsay Lohan. Need more proof the cast and acting stinks? Well, Robert calls on Michelle Rodriguez to play the same character she plays in every movie she's in. Oh and the acting gets even worse as Rodriguez pulls out-of-work actors Don Johnson and Steven Seagal and gives them one single direction: "Ham it up, boys." Even the extras are unconvincing in this film. Mr. Rodriguez, if you're making a movie, it's best not to use your friends, family and people you owe favors to for the extras who have lines. It only ends up hurting your film even more. And the final spit in your face that Rodriguez delivers is the film's complete lack of plot. Instead, we just get a bunch of scenes haphazardly put together (I mentioned the bad editing, right?) with no real direction and it barely moves the story along.
In the end, this film offers very little and barely deserves the score of two I gave it. Danny Trejo is cool but he was cooler before soccer moms knew who he was. Robert De Niro is great in his role but he's pretty much always good, so there's no surprise there and Jeff Fahey is pretty entertaining in his role. It's even nice to see a small part played by Tom Savini but these few aspects (and some decent music) is not enough to make a good film. The reality is this: Machete was far more charming as a phony trailer than it was as a feature length film.