Sunday, January 30, 2011

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III - 1 out of 5

In the fictional world where the Texas Chainsaw Massacre takes place, it seems that 65% of the residents of the state have desires to become cannibals, 15% are the possibly food for the cannibals, another 15% are innocent people we really don't get to see in the movies and the final 5% are the law enforcement officers that seem to be extremely ignorant and unable to catch string of killings that all center around a certain building (in this film, they all start at a gas station) and all start on the same stretch of highway.

The beginning of this completely unwarranted sequel informs us that the original family is dead and that the facade of Leatherface is actually an alternate personality. Now, it seems, the spirit or whatever the filmmakers is trying to tell us that Leatherface is, has now taken over another family and draped his dead skin mask upon another mentally retarded gorilla who can expertly wield a chainsaw. Which, of course, led me to believe that nearly everyone in the state of Texas wants to be a cannibal.

The film sticks true to every horror film cliche you can think of. A young couple on a road trip finds themselves running for their lives from some homicidal group of people and, of course, the unwitting hero also shows up--you know, the guy who had other plans but is now forced to do the right thing. Now, I don't know if it's because the cliches are just so predictable or the fact the film is a genuine piece of shit but nothing in this film works. Every attempt at horror, story, and acting fail. They even fail at making children scary. And let's face it, kids are FUCKING scary in horror movies. Have a kid in a dress sing "la la la la la laaaa" and let the nightmares begin. However, as the child makes its appearance and attempts to be scary, her line of dialogue is "Yakkity Yak, don't talk back." Really, film? That is what you went with. You took a promise of having a scary kid moment and turned it into a joke.

The only real thing this film offers is seeing a young Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) and showing us how even the most pretty and talented actors have to pay their dues in utter pieces of dog shit. (Yes, I said Viggo is pretty. I'm heterosexual but secure in it enough to admit when a man is good looking and Viggo is a good looking man.)

Overall, the original film, while being groundbreaking for the genre of horror films, never really deserved a franchise and, if the sequel wasn't proof enough, this sequel was definitely the concrete evidence. However, Hollywood is deaf, dumb and blind as this evidence was further proven in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, the remake and then the prequel to the remake (which, in reality, seemed more like a remake of a remake). In the end, this film fails to entertain--even on an ironic level as the bar it sets is so low, I actually found myself unable to make fun of it because the movie was just THAT pathetic.

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