***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being good and 5, being epic!
Tango & Cash - 3 out of 5
80's buddy/cop action film at its cheesiest.
Believe it or not, I've actually never seen this movie before and I must say, it sums up the 80's action genre to perfection. Snappy, unfunny one-liners? Check. Clumsy action with lots of explosions and muscle-stacked greasy dudes in tank-tops? Check. Slightly homoerotic penis references? Check. Story that really doesn't do anything? Double check.
After watching this, I realized that there was some semblance of a story somewhere in the mix but for the life of me, I really don't remember the details of it. I know that Tango and Cash are falsely accused of a crime they didn't commit and were sent to prison where they break out and clear their names. However, I can't remember why the villain, played by Jack Palance (Believe it or not!), went about this crazy scheme to begin with. The story gets even more erratic when it decides to become a cross between a bad video game and a cheap action oriented Saturday morning cartoon show. Tango and Cash, attempting to stop the evil Palance, break into his fortress (yep, that's right, he's got a fortress) using, for lack of a better name, the Tango & Cash Mobile. They use a armored truck, complete with guns on the side and rapid boosters to fight the hordes of Palance's army (I also can't figure out why he has an army) that are armed with trucks that have rocket launchers attached to them. Yep, this is the territory the film travels to in the third act.
And then you have the actors behind Tango and Cash themselves. First off, you got Sly Stallone as Tango, a clean-cut loose cannon cop who plays by his own rules but gets the job done. And then you have Kurt Russell as Cash, a relaxed bad-boy loose cannon cop who plays by his own rules...but gets the job done. Basically, these guys are the same person except one dresses better and cleaner. In his usual fashion, Sly has the delivery of a dead fish but no one ever expects him to deliver emotion. He is just suppose to slur his words and blow stuff up. And Kurt--I'm a fan of Kurt Russell (he's Captain Ron for crying out loud) but I couldn't help but cringe every time he and Sly had to share a moment where their finishing each others one-liners or making references to their manhood. I mean he was Snake Plissken--a legitimate badass--and here he is boiled down to sharing a shower scene with Rocky? Yes, there's a shower scene with these two when they enter prison--which, of course, makes it just slightly less gay than the entire Top Gun movie.
Tango & Cash is, in no way, a good movie. It's cheesy, laugh out loud silly and often just downright lame. However, it is all these qualities that make it an entertaining movies to watch and then debate with your friends on whether or not the filmmakers intended to make a really bad movie.