Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Wanna get a pizza and make fun of David Hasselhoff?



Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. – 2 out of 5


I’ve never been a big fan of the character of Nick Fury—that is, to say, I’ve never been a fan of him until the Ultimates series came out and Nick Fury went from a generic gruff white old dude in white gloves and a white belt to a bad-ass drawn to look like Samuel L. Jackson. Old Nick Fury always seemed pointless to me and overdone in such a way I almost always expected the writer of the comics he was in to suddenly materialize in the panel and say, “Get it? He’s a no non-sense leader from New York. He’s got a tough exterior, shoots out obvious quips and LOOK AT THE STUBBLE ON HIS FACE AND CIGAR IN HIS MOUTH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! He has to be tough—just ignore the white belt.” And yes, writer, I got it. Fury was the tough, “I don’t do things by the book” boss who makes his own rules…but that doesn’t make him interesting.



And nowadays, the only people who wear white belts
are emos and douche bags.  Fury was a trendsetter for archetypes
we all hate.



Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. was a made-for-TV movie that aired on Fox in 1998 and, due to the fact it looked like utter crap and I didn’t think Fury was an interesting character enough to warrant a movie (and due also to the fact the driver of KITT was in it), I never actually watched this until recently. If you follow my blog and my reviews, you may have noticed I’ve been on a kick of really shitty Marvel movies lately (and they made a lot of them—many of which are on Batman & Robin level of crap)—I’ve watched Captain America and his surfer incarnation from the 70s, a Dr. Strange film that eliminated all the cool things about Strange and replaced them with a main star who looks like he was too high on drugs to know what he was doing and possibly came wandering on set from his porno shoot next door and The Punisher movie that had Dolph Lundgren being Dolph Lundgren if Dolph Lundgren was The Punisher and not Frank Castle. Well, since I’ve been on this kick, I decided to check out the David Hasselhoff-containing Nick Fury film that I passed all those years ago.



Is his head trying to swallow his face?



After the infamous terrorist organization HYDRA gets their hands on a deadly virus and threatens to use it on the city of New York, S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Col. Nick Fury is brought out of retirement to try and stop them. I wish there was more to the film than that but, realistically, that sums up the entire movie.




Shown:  The most convincing acting in the entire film.




"What does it do?  We don't know.  It's just cheap set
design."

 Watching this film, it seemed like Marvel sat down and said, “You know how we draw Nick Fury with those white gloves and white belt and do so without irony or acknowledging how lame it is? Well, I think it’s time we acknowledge how lame he truly is. Put a call into Hasselhoff; only his overbearing and extremely hammy acting can really point out how generic our character is and, in making this movie, stop all future attempts of Fox making made-for-TV movies and using our properties for them—let’s not forget the Generation X fiasco, people. Now, let’s make some crap.”



Sandra Hess plays the villain Viper.  She was also in Baywatch Nights...
I have to wonder if Hasselhoff wasn't secretly funding this entire project.



Now while I admit I don't like the old incarnation of Nick Fury, it's not the reason I didn't like the film.  This movie has a lot going on in it that makes it's pure crap.  First off, the movie looks cheap—but that really shouldn’t be a surprise since it was made-for-TV and, as SyFy shows us on a weekly basis, the budget isn’t really something they worry about and just getting the product out there is all that matters. So, can we forgive this one for having production levels LOWER than some YouTube videos nowadays?  Maybe because there is something far worse in this film…



Here's a hint about what I'm talking about.




 …and that would be David Hasselhoff as Nick Fury. Don’t get me wrong, the entire cast sucks. Whether it be Sandra Hess overacting the fuck out of her role as Viper—the HYDRA daughter of Fury’s nemesis Baron Wolfgang von Strucker or Lisa Rinna giving a painfully flat performance as Fury’s estranged lover Contessa Val de Allegro Fontain. Pretty much every actor in this film is giving either flat and lifeless performances or eating the fuck out of the scenery around them…but none can compare to the level of scenery consumption that Hasselhoff is bringing with his performance as Fury.




That's the helicarrier?  Man, the exposed helicopter blades seen
in the comic books would have delivered more dignity.


It was like Hasselhoff found the cheesiest, most generic and wannabe General Patton scene he could find in any of the numerous comics he could get his hands on and then decided to play on that level the entire film. And it doesn’t help things that the script in this film is already laughably bad and filmed with facepalming retorts and one-liners that can barely be called pithy quips that could make every action star from the 80s give up on life and are completely devoid of any real wit or intelligence. In fact, most lines are on the borderline of Fury just saying, “Yeah, well…you’re a turd,” before running away to get a new white belt and apply more stubble on his chin to prove he’s tough.



Honestly, Lisa Rinna lifeless performance had more convincing bravado
than Hasselhoff.



And I won’t get started on how Hasselhoff (I won’t call him The Hoff) walks like he has a rash forming on his inner thighs due to the leather uniform he was given.



Here's a behind-the-scenes looks of the med team hauling Hasselhoff away
to treat his chaffing thighs...



Believe it or not, Hasselhoff’s god-awful performance is the film’s only saving grace. It’s obvious there was barely a budget or script and, in reality, the film’s story barely covers an 41 minute television show but it’s Hasselhoff’s truly shitty and delightfully delusional performance that makes the film fun to watch and why I gave it a 2 out of 5 rather than a more deserving 1. It’s clear he believes he’s giving the performance of a lifetime and that he is actually a badass as Nick Fury—although, the fight scenes he's barely looked conscious through says otherwise. It’s this dynamic that makes Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. watchable…the only problem was that, after it came out; we had to wait 10 years before an actually talented actor would come along and make the character of Nick Fury a badass.

Dark Skies

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! I have to admit, though, I found it strange that they made an entire film about the color of someones skies.  They could have at least prefaced it on whether they were the water or snow variety.



Dark Skies – 3 out of 5

When is Hollywood going to make an alien film that focuses entirely on them abducting hillbillies, anally probing them and then releasing them back on the world where they can entertain us with their stories? Or one where dudes with freaky haircuts that they clearly did themselves talk about how all wonders that mankind has triumphantly achieved throughout history was done totally by aliens? Never, I guess.

The look of horror from someone who just saw the size of the probe.

"You wanna kill me, aliens?  Over my dead body--wait."

Dark Skies is the story about a small suburban family that is dealing with some hard financial times as the husband has no job (but the movie shows us that he goes to job interviews with a 5 o’clock shadow’s 5 o’clock shadow, so it’s no real surprise why the companies aren’t falling over themselves to hire him) and the wife is a realtor (and we already know how awful the housing market is…like it’s…um…really bad—sorry, I rent and have no real understanding of owning a house and, therefore, incapable of making a housing market joke). While all these troubles piled up, mysteries start to occur in their home as their kitchen is vandalized, their family photos stolen, flocks of birds kamikaze-ing their feathery asses into the house and the wife, Lacy (Keri Russell), spotting a shadowy figure in one of her sons’ rooms in the night. As Lacy and her husband Daniel (Josh Hamilton) try to figure out what is going on, the events happening to themselves and their children; Jesse (Dakota Goyo) and Sam (Kadan Rockett), start to become more frightening as they experience time loss and bouts where they are incapable of controlling their bodies.

It's like some kind of birdemic.  Quick, grab a coat hanger!

Lacy becomes increasingly more frightened (while their neighbors become more paranoid) as whatever is tormenting them has set their sights on the youngest son; Sam—who refers to these intruders as “The Sandman.” Doing what any of us would do when unexplainable shit goes down, she hits the internet and comes across a man who seems to know exactly what they are going through. Lacy and Daniel seek out the wisdom of the quiet recluse; Edwin Pollard (J.K. Simmons), where he informs them that they have been chosen by a species not of this Earth…and they are coming to take them away.

"You know we have some time before the aliens get us..."

I saw this trailer when it was coming to the theaters and was really sold on the idea of seeing it. I 100% believe in the existence of other life in the universe (but don’t believe they have been here) and I love films about aliens—no matter the genre—although, sometimes they can get pretty freaking bad. The thing, however, that really sold me on this was the horror aspect—yes, a lot of movies about aliens are horror based but this one looked like it took the aspect of a ghost-infused scary movie but did it with aliens. From the trailer, it looked like it was going to have all the subtle (yet urine-soaked pants) horror of Signs without all the talks about God, M. Night’s ego trying to invade pointless scenes with himself in it and Mel Gibson’s rant about how Jews are taking over the government (I might have made that last one up…but it’s Mel, so who knows?).

"I can't hear anything, my hair has grown into my ears."

For the most part, I enjoyed Dark Skies but it did lack in a single department that kept me from enjoying it more. First off, I really dug the story because it was a scary alien abduction film without getting too crazy (however, I still think Fire in the Sky remains one of the best—and probably the most frighteningly realistic looking alien abduction films). The acting is all great with Keri Russell and Josh Hamilton really carrying the film well as the two parents who are trying to figure out exactly what the fuck is going on in their home without shrieking and running for the hills like I would and also trying to maintain a balance of dealing with their personal issues (like money and no job) and keeping up appearances so the neighbors don’t think the Manson family redux just moved in next door. I also really enjoyed Simmons role as the abduction expert that deals the bad news to the husband and wife. Simmons role is small but memorable thanks to his quiet and eerie delivery—and Simmons is just an all-around awesome actor so getting to see him in a movie, even for a few minutes, is like watching a rainbow rain hundred dollar bills.

I think he knows how awesome he is.

Some little boys find no joy when a bikini clad young
woman is around them.

The movie has some great scares littered throughout the film and does a fantastic job at building tension—hell, there was even a single scene that made me leap out of my seat into a perfectly executed karate stance ready to kick the little green butts of any aliens that may have made the jump from my television screen to the immediate area around me. The only problem was that most of the scenes that are building tension are building to a suspenseful final climax and not an immediate gratifying scare. While, in theory, this isn’t a bad thing as it makes the ending that much more intense (not to mention they provided a decent twist in the story there that I wasn’t expecting) but for an immediate scare that the music suggests is going to take place, it can be slightly disappointing.

Unlike the other times, this time the alien was just tucking the kid in.

For some reason, the blood soul-patch never caught on.

Finally, most of the scary sequences—the kind that literally make you feel like you are going to vomit with sheer terror and not the kind of scary where you go, “Hmm, that’s fucked up and really creepy…let me pause this film so I can get something deep fried and injected with cheese into my belly before I continue my enjoyment of the film”—but most of these sequences are two few in number. While the end of the film culminates into something spectacular and creepy (albeit, it gets a little weird to the point in nearly ruined the ending for me) the vast majority of the “HOLY CRAP, THERE IS SOMETHING BEHIND YOU AND/OR IN THE SHADOWS” moments number far too little. I really, really wanted more sequences of the invaders being seen—or barely seen, to truly cement the unleashing of my fear tears—and was greatly disappointed that you don’t really seen much of them. That was actually one of the aspects I found most frightening about Signs; the fact you constantly caught glimpses of the aliens. The other thing I found frightening in that film was M. Night’s performance and his absolutely unnecessary monologue he gives.

This is one of those HOLY CRAP moments.

Dark Skies is a pretty decent alien-themed horror film that does offer your spine some courteous chilling and the story is pretty solid in its construction with the support beams being some strong performances from a small cast—not entirely sure why I broke into a construction metaphor there when I should have went with a U.F.O. metaphor or another anal probe joke. The only real downside I had for the movie was the fact the deep scares this movie could have created wasn’t fully utilized—however, a nice use of misdirection and a twist in the film’s ending helps make this complaint minor and ultimately makes the film a pretty decent one.

Dr. Strange (1978)

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Or gaze into the Eye of Agamotto! 




Dr. Strange (1978) – 1 out of 5

Dr. Strange is one of those Marvel properties that seems to be able to make a decent movie all by itself—meaning, the comic character could possibly, and even literally, yank himself free of the pages and direct and star in his own film. The character is interesting and it involves magic and mysticism—so you can get an audience from the comic nerds (me) and possibly wiccans (they're into magic, right?). However, until Marvel brings in Strange into their new movieverse (and the rumors say he’s not far behind Ant-Man), we have to settle for a really great animated movie they made a few years back and a abso-fucking-lutely terrible live-action film from the 70s.



"Is that more 70s over there?"



Strange, in the comics, is a talented (but egotistical and narcissistic) all-star surgeon who could scalpel the fuck out of anyone and does so with style. But after an accident claims the use of his hands, he spends his time fighting depression and finding a way to make his hands work the way they once had. Eventually, he ends up learning the ways of mysticism and becomes the Sorcerer Supreme; the new protector of the world from evil might and magic.



There's literally nothing creepy or unsettling about an old white man with a
Asian manservent.



The 1978 film ignores all these awesome details and settles for crap.



You also get a penis-monster that wasn't nearly as threatening as it should have been.



Meant to be a pilot for a television show, Dr. Strange tells the story of the evil sorceress Morgan le Fay (played by Lucille Bluth herself; Jessica Walter) who takes control of an innocent young girl in order to take out the Sorcerer Supreme (John Mills) and his assistant Wong (Clyde Kusatsu). Along the way, the young woman finds herself in the care of Dr. Stephen Strange; a womanizing, unprofessional psychiatrist. Strange quickly learns that within him burns the ancient mystic arts and that he is next in line to become the Sorcerer Supreme…but first he must save the girl and stop Morgan.



I feel extra dirty staring at Lucille Bluth's 70's cleavage.



Do you like your comic book adaptations with action? Excitement? How about a little humor thrown in to keep it from becoming monotonous? And if it’s a magic-based comic book adaptation, do you want great special effects that help create the realism required for the story and help transport you, the viewer, into a world of supernatural wonder? Well, guess what? They don’t give you any of that shit in this film! Instead, you get a story that feels like a drunk staggering down the street, acting done by people who seem to be angry at the director and are intentionally not trying out of spite, sets that looks less creative than a kindergarten's presentation of the Thanksgiving story on acid and a lead actor who, when not looking completely lost in front of the camera, looks like he’s either a retired porn star or the bass player of a funk/rock fusion band.



It's all the mustache's fault.



Made during the long era where Marvel didn’t care about the dignity of their characters, Dr. Strange is one of those awful comic book adaptations that was made by people who clearly thought that those who read comics are borderline retarded and will accept any piece of crap given to them, as long as it has the name of the comic thrown in there somewhere. It’s almost heartbreaking to learn that Stan Lee was a consultant on this project—but I’m assuming that when they said consultant, they really meant, “Here’s some cash. Now stand quietly in the corner while we viciously rape your intellectual property.”



Strange is already bent over and ready for what he's about to receive.





Rev. Ron horny, Michael.

 This was actually my first time watching this horrorshow and while it was cool to see Jessica Walter in a non-Arrested Development role (and you realize that she was a fox in her day) the only other aspect it gives the viewer to enjoy is the fact it is so easy to laugh at. If you can get beyond the fact that they took everything that makes Strange interesting and compelling and threw it out the window (seriously, in the comics Strange had to go through hell to learn how to be a hero before he ultimately received the mantle of Sorcerer Supreme but in this one, he’s basically born into it and does nothing short of sexually harass women—and his patients—and be an all-around sex offender to get the illustrious title and powers)—if you’re able to quell your nerd rage enough to accept that this awful adaptation won’t be one that will make Strange look good and see it for just the train wreck piece of crap it is, you can make fun of it with ease and make it an entertaining film to experience. (Note: copious amounts of marijuana and tasty snacks aplenty will help make the experience more enjoyable.)



At some point you might want a drug with more kick.





"I am now one of the most powerful mystics in the universe...
look at the excitement in my face."

 There’s no getting around it; Dr. Strange is just plain terrible. It misses its mark by a length so great that I think they were aiming at a target that was behind them and in another country. Liberties with any adaptation is a given but, like the Captain America movie that would come out a year later, taking all that is ethical, moral and good about your hero and taking it away and making your hero less about a guy who, through deep personal conviction and perseverance, sees the right in the wrong and aims to help.  Instead, this movie makes him a hero who just stumbles down some stairs and wins the lottery by gaining new powers; it is just insulting. It would be like if Batman’s parents didn’t die and on his fifteenth birthday they gave Bruce all the gadgets and said, “Go fight some crime kid, for funsies.” The only consolation is that when we get a Dr. Strange movie done right in the next few years, it won’t be ANYTHING like this one. Even if it sucks, it’s still going to be light-years better than this.




He still looks lost.  Did he even know he was in a movie?



The Punisher (1989)

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Or we can deal out justice...with bullets.





The Punisher (1989) – 1 out of 5

You would think it would be easy to make a Punisher film. Frank Castle’s back story is filled with trauma and drama (hey, that rhymes!) and the rest of it is just him seeking revenge with his only rule being kill those fuckers in such a way that the very concept of “extreme prejudice” shits its pants and cuts its own throat so it doesn’t share the same fate. However, with the exception of War Zone (I admit, I enjoyed that one), The Punisher’s venture into the world of movies have been extremely disappointing and it often ends up in a manner that you wonder if the writers, producers and even the star took the time to read a single issue or even browse the Wikipedia on the subject. 

Say what you will about the film but he did Duck Face before it became a fad.

After a mob boss kills police officer Frank Castle’s family, the man becomes The Punisher (Dolph Lundgren); a vigilante who deals out justice in a storm of bullets. However, the man he wants to see at the other end of his shotgun the most now has to become his alley as the Yakuza has come to town and grabbed the mob by the metaphoric balls when they kidnapped their children and hold them for ransom in order to take control of the city. Meanwhile, The Punisher is being hunted by his former partner and friend (played by Louis Gossett Jr.)—so the movie pretty much hits all its 80s Bingo requirements (and yes, there is some bad synthesizer music polluting the soundtrack).

If you're Bingo card had Gosset Jr. in a yellow raincoat in the sewer, I think you
just won 80s Movie Bingo.

I covered in my review of the Captain America movie from the 70s that there was a time period when Marvel comics clearly didn’t give a fuck about the treatment their properties received when they got a movie adaptation. This time period went on for a long time and was still slightly in existence when X3 came out. Most people know The Punisher from the awful Tom Jane/John Travolta film that came out awhile back but, I assure you, this one is just slightly less worse than that one.

Not entirely sure why showing Lundren-ass is essential to the story.

The biggest problem with the one with Tom Jane in a bad dye job (not that Dolph's dye job is any better in this one) was the fact the writers clearly didn’t understand the spirit of Frank Castle—of course, that film had many, many problems including the presence of John Travolta, a scene that had a Johnny Cash wannabe for some reason, Kevin Nash as a gay sailor and that one of the bad guys was clearly filming the movie in between practices with his boy band. That film spent nearly its entire running length seeing Frank Castle pit his enemies against each other in such lame ways as candid photos and putting a fake fire hydrant in front of a car so they get a ticket. In the comics, Castle just puts as many bullets as he could into his enemy. War Zone redeemed the franchise slightly by casting a better actor (and more fitting one, too) as The Punisher and focused on how Castle really, REALLY likes pulling the trigger on many, many guns.

Wait...I think he's checking out his own ass from the previous pic.

This 1989 adaptation did get Castle’s love of embedding bullets into bodies right but it didn’t help the rest of the movie thanks to the fact it’s filled with bad acting, a weak story, poor editing and sets that make the film look like it’s a cheap syndicated television show—and I didn’t even mention how a majority of the kids The Punisher saves all have their audio re-dubbed and re-dubbed poorly. I’m 90% sure that the kids were dubbed over by adults pretending to be kids; it’s actually quite amusing to hear.

I think that mobster's wife made that suit out of her tablecloth.

And that’s the real heart of this movie; the fact it’s easy to laugh at. While a little more faithful to the comics than the one with Travolta, the very obvious low-budget and terrible action—except Lundgren, who is doing his best to try and give a Shakespearean performance (and in doing so, makes things even more amusing)—makes this film something that is best left forgotten by Marvel fans but you can’t help but find some joy in watching the travesty take place.

In case you're wondering; yes, that is henchmen shooting guns as they go
down a slide on their knees.

The movie gets points for having a pair of balls attached to it that the 2004 film refused to take (sure that one was rated R and you got to hear some tits and see some swears--wait, reverse that--but it still lacked any real guts) as some of the violence gets pretty hardcore but, for the most part, the action is “meh” in its presentation and offers nothing really memorable. According to the internet, a lot of the fight scenes involved the actors really connecting with their punches in order to achieve realism but when they edit in silly punch and kick sound effects, all realism is gone—realism is also obliterated when Castle’s bullets hit anything that isn’t soft, spongy and composed of flesh as they rip into a sea of sparks…like an 80s heavy metal video (they sure loved the sparks in those things…which is a little dangerous when you think about it and remember how much hair spray those guys used).

"I would break you but...I'm just not feeling it."

The Punisher is as about as good as any Marvel product of the time. While the movie had some guts and went with an R-rating in order to at least look like it is keeping with the spirit of comic but awful acting, a story that feels more like a low-budget, early 90s The Punisher television show on Fox, and action that is just paltry and lackluster, the only redeeming factor this film has is to serve as a bitter reminder that we have it really good with the Marvel movieverse now and it’s a pretty damn good movie to watch and laugh at.

The Last Stand

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Or we can make a cake...but the cake is a lie.



The Last Stand – 4 out of 5

When I first saw the trailer for this film, I thought it was composed of deleted scenes and/or abandoned script ideas for an Expendables movie. The gist I got from the trailer was that Arnold Schwarzenegger is too old for this shit but, despite his age, arthritic knees and bad back, he could still kick the ass of any young upstart bringing trouble to his town. I completely expect this movie to be a full-on, out-right embarrassing piece of crap but, shockingly, I really enjoyed it.



Hmmm...it kinda looks like the small town in Thor...



Wait, that's Sif...it is the town from Thor.





"Come on, did he really have to moon us as he's
escaping?"

 After a drug crime-lord escapes the clutches of FBI agent John Bannister (Forest Whitaker), the man makes a mad dash to get to a small town on the border where his men (one of them played by the too cool Peter Stormare) have constructed a bridge for his escape into Mexico. However, one thing stands in his way after the FBI’s several attempts to stop him fail…Sheriff Ray Owens (Schwarzenegger) and his ragtag team of inexperienced deputies…and one crazy gun nut (Johnny Knoxville).



Then Harry Dean Stanton arrives and classes that shit up.



While The Last Stand may not be a perfect action film, it still was pretty damn fun to watch. Arnold (or should I type that as “Auhnold” in order to portray his accent in text form?) has shown that his acting skills have not improved over time and, in some cases in the film, have actually regressed to a worse state but is anyone really watching this film for the acting? When I sat down to watch this, I wasn’t thinking, “Boy, I sure hope I get to see Arnold show his caring and friendly side to the folks that make up the population of the town he’s protecting.”



I'm taking bets that he's wearing Crocs in this scene.





"Then he said, 'the Aristocrats.'  Yeah, I don't get it
either."

 In fact, for the most part, the acting all around is passable at best. Even Peter Stormare, one of my top character actors on my "list of top character actors I have a list on," was giving a weak performance—but not so bad that it would have an impact on his standing on my list. Other players in the film pretty much do what they can with what the script gives them. For example, Luis Guzmán (another actor on my "top character actors list that I have made a list about to express how much I enjoy their acting list") is a terrific comedic actor who could have done a little more with the humorous side of the film but was all but wasted in this—besides, most of the humor in the film was supplied by Johnny Knoxville who was very entertaining as the gun nut Lewis Dinkum (and that last name sounds like a sex act that is illegal in 48 states).



"Are those two people Dinkuming?"



Weak and passable acting aside, the true meat of the film is the action—there’s no point in playing coy here, that is the ONLY reason to watch this film. Believe it or not, the film doesn’t disappoint in this arena as the action is fast and fun. The bullets fly like every character entered the cheat code for unlimited ammo and the movie was a little bloodier than I have anticipated it to be—but that’s all a good thing because once the last stand shoot-out hits the small town and it’s drug gunners versus small town peace keepers, the movie doesn’t stop delivering entertaining action that is just blood-busting, slug-shooting fun.



Knoxville is dressed how most Anti-Gun Advocates picture gun nuts...
sadly, that's not entirely off with some cases.



There’s no doubt The Last Stand has its issues. I won’t deny it is pretty much a generic action film that’s entire story is built around a massive shootout in the center of a small desert town—hell, the town’s placement even justifies the amount of car chases as the escaping drug boss races down the expanding, sand-banked highways in a car that is in constant danger of traveling through time (thankfully there’s no flux capacitor in the sports car but there’s plenty of overcompensation installed on the damn thing). Arnold also simultaneously proved that he is past his prime but yet, somehow, is still able to sneak a great action film out. That being said, though, he did make the action look fitting for his age and there wasn’t any editing or stunt doubles to make him look in better shape than he was—unlike Stallone’s embarrassing run down the pier in The Expendables…if he wasn’t embarrassed by the fact they had to use editing to make sure he got on that runaway plane in time because his ancient, broken kneecaps can’t propel his body to run anymore, than I will be embarrassed for him.



I had the same look of despair after watching The Expendables.



Yes, Arnold is too old for this shit and, for the most part, they don’t lose track of that. Yes, there were a few instances where you would say, “Shouldn’t that old guy be dead after that?” but they usually come at a point where you are fully invested in the story and are able to suspend disbelief. Sure, the first half of the film had Arnold giving off a performance that made it seem like he never truly understood what acting was but once we get him into the realm that made him the icon we know him to be (here’s a hint, that realm is where bullets fly and people die), he starts to look like an older version of the guy we once saw promise to kill a dude last but it turned out he was only fibbing about that one.



"Make sure you lick ever bullet going into the gun, Johnny."





"Pew pew, I got you."
"No, you didn't."

 The Last Stand isn’t a perfect film and it’s not deep or introspective in anyway. It’s just balls out, popcorn action and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not going to tell an emotionally powerful tale and the drama in the film is of the variety that "someone will pay for what they’ve done" but that’s what makes this film good. There’s was no denying that the action was just a blast to sit through and, maybe—just maybe—the film isn’t worthy of a 4 out of 5 and most likely is a 3 or even a 2 but the movie is never boring and, even ignoring some bad acting, it was pretty fucking entertaining.

Stand Up Guys

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. I am just sharing my opinions and perspective. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 1-5. 1, of course, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Or we can...I don't know, do whatever you wanna do. 




Stand Up Guys – 2 out of 5

Let’s not waste time arguing whether or not Al Pacino, Christopher Walken and Alan Arkin are great actors or not because we all know they are (and if we did argue, it would just be embarrassing for the both of us). Sure they have done their fair share of crappy films but how can one argue with Arkin’s amazing sense of comedic timing, Pacino’s intensity and Walken’s voice and dance moves? Putting these three men together, even with the shittiest script a person can throw together, should be a no-brainer journey to a mildly amusing, possibly amazing, movie—sadly, Stand Up Guys is one of those mildly amusing movies that seemed to not fully utilize the overabundance of talent they had in their cast and stops just short of being great.


I'm being 100% serious, Science...you need to figure out how to make this
man immortal because the world needs him...we'll always need him.



Val (Al Pacino) just got out of prison and his best friend and partner in crime, Doc (Christopher Walken), is ready to show him the time of his life after spending 28 years in the pen. It's all about hookers, alcohol, drugs and catching up with their old pal; Hirsch (Alan Arkin)—and by catching up, I mean they steal a car, get into a high speed chase and then find more hookers. The problem that is hiding behind this playful romp is the fact Doc is hired by a man named Claphands (Mark Margolis); a crime boss with a vendetta, to kill Val before morning or he’ll be put six feet under as well.


"I want him dead!!!"
"Sir, this is Domino's."
"I know...send him one of your pizzas."



For the most part, Stand Up Guys isn’t a terrible film but it doesn’t do much to shine. With all the talent that is bursting within it, you think it could do a lot but the script feels like it’s just on cruise control and having a relaxing drive along the back roads of America…and that’s not a commentary on the age of the actors in this film and the fact that older people are slow drivers and have an affinity for Sunday drives that have no real destination in mind.


All he needs is a fedora, an iPhone and a PBR and his transformation into
an aging hipster is complete.






Pacino looks like your typical crazy Uncle who sends you
the conspiracy emails that explains how Obama is the
Antichrist and is going to take away our guns and talks
at lengths about the "gay agenda"...

 Each performer in this film is fantastic—and that really shouldn’t be a surprise (Granted, Pacino is picking out pieces of scenery from his teeth in the second half of the film after a very hammy opening performance)—but Walken, more than anyone else, really steals the movie and commands attention. While his performance is subdued and a little more natural than we usually see from the man who has become almost mythological in our pop culture, it didn’t stop Walken from making the movie more about him than Pacino, Arkin or even the story itself. His character of Doc really finds himself in a dilemma where he is caught between a rock and a place where he’s forced to kill his friend (who hasn’t been there, right?) and Walken’s performance really reflects the split loyalties he is kicked into having.



"Crank up the Tommy James and the Shondells, boys...let's roll!"



I’m not going to say that Stand Up Guys is boring because it’s not—it’s entertaining enough that it will keep your interest but it just didn’t feel like it was really giving much effort in its output. The story is interesting enough and has the potential for some great drama and humor but it just gave out the bare minimum in both these cases--in fact, Walken actually saves a lot of the humor since most of it was pretty standard, already-told-over-and-over again jokes (there's even a boner pill/4 hour erection joke), it can make you wonder if the humor aspect was written by your "by-the-numbers" over 40 club-jumping stand-up comedian who still thinks jokes about women working in office settings still qualifies as relevant material.  Whenever these horribly unfunny, and overdone gags would rear its Jeff Foxworthy-looking head, Walken would say something or provide something as simple as a glance or a shrug to make that stinker actually funny. Overall, the movie is decent but far from memorable…even though it ends on a great shot and a promise of something awesome.



All this shot needs is a hard rocking soundtrack, slow-motion and an
explosion behind them...unless they're going to a funeral...and they
sort of look like they are.